when I think of who I was when I liked the thought of death, I want to shut it out.
Like right now, I despise and hate the girl I was, but somewhere below my pride and self-esteem, behind the "
KEEP OUT" tape,
she's there on her throne, throwing her head back and laughing.
Cackling to be more precise, because that's how my own laughter sounds.
In a sick, twisted way,
this post goes out to Luna.
To make her hurt,
just as much as I have.
Maybe a little bit less, since she "[doesn't] wanna lose [me] as a friend".
The girl from my past laughs crazily at that. She's getting the thrill of her life,
while the girl I am now, getting my frills in a knot, furrows her brow and hurls up her lunch.
I'm not sure which to believe.This has been a life-long battle, I never seem to win.
And again, I'm not going to win this battle, even though I know the truth is right in front of me.
BECAUSE I'M NOT FIGHTING.I give up. I give in.
All the time.
These wars I have inside me, never lash out,
never shows its true face.
Sometimes I feel like a slave to my own demise.
Holding out the gun, when I know
the only one I'm aiming at is myself.
How this war is checking off how many
mes it's killing off.
Most of which, are nameless.
Don't hold a place.
The only one who visits these graves, are the souls themselves.
I haven't felt a tint of happiness this year.
I realize now...
the reason why I don't bother to chase and run after the happiness
that everyone wants so badly,
isn't because there isn't any,
but because I don't know where to look
and because
I'm not looking.I'm sorry there aren't any particular happy posts since I started this blog, but
I'm not finding it.
recently I realized: I loved the thought of death,
but I'm not the same as those who cut/self-harm.
They don't wish to die, they wish to push the pain away. They find their "coping resource" to be from the cuts.
I'm different though.
I hurt on purpose.
Mentally、
driving myself over the edge,
but because I'm a coward,
I can't do it.
I wonder if normal people understand that?
ウミ