"...so I turn the heavy sterling"

狙い撃つぜ！
哲雄 @Pixiv

I remember when I was in gr. 7,
this is probably normal, but...
I remember I loved the thought of death.


If I were to take a few words to summarize my life as of right now,
I would say from my mouth...
Spectacular, but not enough glitter.
From Cloe's mouth...
Pretty Crappy Parents.
From Sora's mouth...
The Stronger One.

I guess from everyone else's mouths...

Decent.

Normal.

Good.

Those are the words
I hate the most.

It's normal to think that, I guess.

At one point, I came to realize my life was normal.
My parents are separated, meaning not married.
I'm a bastard, meaning my parents didn't marry when I was born, but then again, they never did.
I have siblings way older than I am, but okay.
I lived with my nephew, okay.
I was abused by my mom, but that was just discipline.
I lived with foster parents before, okay.
I lived with my dad while he was living with the woman he left my family for, okay.
I slept in the hospital when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, okay.
I slept at ten every night, ignoring the phone ringing from the credit people asking for my mom to pay them back, okay.
I thought about suicide every single day one year.

I've lived a normal life.

There are parts in between that didn't have me involved in it, but
those are the parts that caused me to think about ways to die.

Those are the parts that don't haunt me,
but make me cry every time I think of them.
Those are the parts that burned me, skimmed across my heart and left its mark.
Burning in my memory like it was yesterday. But only as a candlelight.

Now, I look at my life and what I have for what they are worth.
Nothing.

Here's one thing though, I never take people for what they are worth.
One way or another, they become like those memories. Candlelights.
I remember them well.

Once you become a candlelight, you're going to summon Bloody Mary to me.
And I'll hate you for it.

That's not my point though.
When I was thinking of... suicide isn't quite the word, but more like taking off my existence. Erasing it, killing it, slaughtering it.
Forgetting my own existence.
I only thought of myself, and this pleasured me. I took all the reasons I hated myself,
and I turned them into a reason.
I took all the times I felt hatred, and morphed them into a reason.
I took everything.
Everything
To give me a reason to just hurt this body.

But I never did.

Cowardly, I am.
Selfish, I am.
Stubborn, I am.
Foolish, I am.

But never, did I ever think
I was worth it.
L'oreal? You're selling bullshit. C:

In a sick twisted way, this blog goes out to Luna.
She made me remember why I used to think I needed to die.

One day,
I'm going to find him.
And he's going to hold the gun in my mouth and say he loves me.
Then he's going to pull the trigger.
AND I'M GOING TO LIVE.
I'm going to breathe.
I'm going to win.

I'm going to restart.
Press the Reset.
Because My life right now, is only worth this much.

ウミ
P.s. 空, I'm sorry I'm not strong.
I'm sorry that the mother you see in me,
has to let you down.
Because I'm too weak to carry you through your battles.
Because I'm too tired to keep you on my back.
But I'll hold your hand, and never let go.