拝啓、父上様。

きらいですから。
今は苦しい。
あんたのせい。
全部あんたのせい。


柿子
WS的意識流 @Pixiv

Everything's your fault.
Long post ahead.


Today, while I was alone looking up at the sky.
I decided to start on my English homework, that I probably won't hand in, since it sucks.
I was just rambling, but somehow, somewhere along the way, it got me here.

I hate, despise, cannot forgive my father.

All along, all the things I've done in my life, were all because of him.
Because of his childishness, his selfishness, and his... ignorance.
I've suffered all this time, not just because of my mother, but mainly because of my father.
The root to all of my self-hatred even.

True, he might not have been there for about twelve years of my life,
but that doesn't excuse him.

From the day I was born, I was thrown into the garbage by him.
Then picked up by my mother.
Not literally, obviously.

I realize now, that everything (my fighting, my lovelessness, my loneliness, my hatred) that made me, is all because of him.

I remember once, when he came back to visit when I was in elementary,
he asked me, "What did you learn today?"
I repeated, "What did I learn today?"
He said, "Yeah."
I lied, "The usual." The truth was that I slept throughout the day. I couldn't fall asleep that night. My teacher told my mother, I didn't dare tell my father.
Now, when he comes back into my life, I'm showing him what I've learned.
That I can't cook even though he's a chef. That I suck at math, even though he was once an accountant. That I can't take care of a dog, even though he has a dog and a cat. That because I was poor, I never ask for anything. That because my mother was paranoid, I never went to birthday parties and never made friends.

I showed him everything.
He didn't appreciate any of it.
And you know why?
Because he never saw me when I was suffering.
When I was defending him.
When I was slapped across the face by my mother, because I denied he had another woman.
When I was crying because I saw the woman he left my family for, and not because I missed my mother,
When my mother told me "no" so many times, that I hold myself back in everything that I do or say.
When my mother used me to get money from him, because we were so poor.

When I told myself to die every single day.

He didn't see any of that.

He saw the part of me that accepted what he gave me.
He saw the part of me that was fighting so hard for him to accept me.
He saw the part that grew to be responsible and strong.
He saw the part of me that I knew my mother raised me to be, outspoken and honest.
He saw the part of me that was learning how to cook and clean.
He saw the part of me that screamed that I wanted him to love me, when he was so close to me.

But he turned away.

He turned away from me.
He got caught up in the woman that he 'loved'.
He pushed her away, only to wait for her to come back.
I couldn't fill her place.

I realized this as I was writing, my brow furrowing as I looked up again at the sky.
I walked straight to the bathroom then.
As I headed there, I passed Kiran.
He asked me why I wasn't at school.
I stomped out a smile.
That was one of the most painful smiles I had since I left elementary.
As soon as I got into a stall, I buried my face into my hands and breathed in deep.
I didn't mean to make it shaky, but I heard my breath trembling.
I told myself over and over again "Don't cry, not here. Someone might hear you."
But as soon as I made a decision to leave, I felt the tears rim my eyes again,
and I bit them back.
Like when I was younger and mother asked me, "Why do you keep crying?"
I'm not sure if I was lying, but I think that was one of my first lies, "I miss daddy." Did I know how to lie? I don't remember.
She told me not to miss him, not to love him any more, that he's not coming back any more. She asked me how I could miss someone like him.

I didn't understand.

Finally, I understand.

I've wasted my whole life fighting for this person I call my father.
When I met him again, I was hesitant to call him "father", like how I'm hesitant to call people's names because I'm scared I'm wrong. I'm scared to get their name wrong. I was scared this person wasn't my father, because he wasn't the person I was fighting for.

When I was wrong,
I lost everything.

I'm not fighting anymore.
I have nothing to fight for.

Haikei, chichiue-sama.

I'm no longer a child.

I'm a broken child.

With ugly, scornful eyes.
ウミ