Sora told me something good today. I believed her and I understood her, but... she's also a bit wrong.
I'd like to believe that yes, maybe I'm stronger than Michou. I don't have the same level of low self-esteem as the dog. I don't. You're right. But I'm just as weak and stupid and... useless as a human being as he is.
You're right. I complain, I don't whine. I say talk about all of the bad things in my life, but never do anything about them. And yeah, you change the topic to help me get over it, to help me get away from it all. Unlike Michou, who never gets off that topic because it's about himself. In a way, he's stronger than me. I understand you. I think about you, Sora, as someone important to me, because I couldn't have lived without you. The difference and the line between me and Michou, is that because I treasure you so, I don't bother to bring you down with me. I go along with your change of topic. I hide my feelings the best way possible; by talking about you.
I don't think there's a reason for me... to continue to tell you about my life. To tell you about how I feel when my mother says cruel things, or how I feel when I'm with my father. Just exactly how much contempt and disdain I'm really made of. I don't want to show you the weak side of myself. I don't keep you up to date with my life. I'd rather listen to yours. Your life full of laughter and "Yano" and "Izuki" and how it's obvious you're still hung up on your last love. Why chase a man who has no interest in you? You say you don't feel that way about him anymore, but he's not really your friend anymore either. So where does he stand for you? He might not be the best love you've had. You might not think about him all the time, but you still think of him. You still take notice and tell me when you see him. Why do you think people tell you when they see Yano? Because you tell them you've seen him. I don't care of you've made eye contact with a tree. It's the same as looking at Yano. I can look at him, but what's there to tell about just looking and not talking? Oh, the tree got more branches and leaves. Oh, his teeth are more yellow. Do I really care? No, not really, I'm actually more interested in looking at a tree than I am at looking at Yano.
I know, that a lot of people see us as... not friends. Not good friends anyway. Sometimes, I do want to tell them, "You're wrong. I've known her for a really long time. We know everything about each other. We understand each other better than anyone else." But that's not necessarily true. I think you understand and know Nina better than me. I might understand you well enough, but that doesn't mean I know everything about you. And I'm glad you don't know everything about me. There's a line I want to draw, even with you, that limits what people should know about me. Like some things on this blog. This side of me is the third layer of my heart. The deeper, the darker, the crueler, and the scarier. Even I don't travel that far down.