ahahahahha

I don't know why, but this just all seems so funny.
I don't even fucking know why I'm so goddamn happy right now. Or how the fuck I suddenly got my confidence back.

I have no idea.

Right now, my nephew is in my room... uh, playing Starcraft. He's... making sound effects while he's playing. I don't know why. It's hilarious.

Anyway, to bring back what I really wanted to talk about... I've been reading all of my friends' blogs, and I noticed how much happier they all sound.

I mean, okay this might sound a little cocky, but when I started my blog, I went right into... all the dark stuff. Whereas everyone was all happy and talking about their love lives or their friends. When I started my blog and talked about my other face, everyone else started writing about the darker side of themselves too.

Now, as I start to pick myself up again, everyone else seems to be doing the same. And I want to keep it this way. I want everyone to start being happy again. I'm sorry if showing the ugly side of me, the vulnerable and child-like part of me was sickening enough to make everyone else feel disgusted and just like me. I'm sorry.

But, I... I don't even know where to begin. Because somewhere along the way... I know I started myself up again, but I don't know when, how, or why.
I just know I did it. Right at the moment when I was about to give up on everything else.

I know I'm making myself better. I'm mending parts of myself, I didn't know had... peeled off. I'm helping myself.
This is the reason why I don't need anybody else.

I know you're all talking about love again. I know you're all hoping to find someone again. You're all so unsure about loving or not.
All while I'm alone, fighting with myself, resting myself... healing myself and simply falling all over again.

I'm more lost on how you think so much about love, more than thinking about yourselves.

I know that this is something I have no right to say, but how can you love someone else, if you don't even know yourself?
If you don't know what you like, what you're like, or why you're like this, then how can you come to love someone else for what they're like or why they're like that. How can you get to know someone else, when you don't even know yourself? How can you love someone when you can't even love yourself?

I don't know if you'll understand what I'm getting at, but for just my friends who do read my blog, I hope you really do understand what I'm saying.

Put yourself first.
and I know a lot of you will probably say, "You don't understand. You've never fallen in love or dated anyone, what would you know?" But the truth is, I don't need to be in love, or date anyone, or have sex with anyone to know to put myself first. To know that, if I can't even accept myself, how can I accept anyone else?

I've told Sora this a million times. Although, by telling her this so many times, I've also learned that she cannot live by this rule. That people can't be so focused on themselves to live happily. They will eventually forget this, because so many other things will demand their attention. Even so, that is no excuse.

I think being happy, means putting yourself first. I mean, how can you be happy if you're not there? How can happiness happen, if you're not sure what it is? How can you want happiness if you don't know what you want?

To simply forget, because you don't want to deal with yourself; because someone else seems more important at the time; because you don't think you're important at the time; because you don't think you can handle yourself; because you can wait is wrong.

To deny yourself is wrong.
To force someone to be more important than you is wrong.
To belittle yourself and think it's okay to give up on yourself is wrong.
To pretend you're invisible so no one will have to deal with you is wrong.
To lock yourself up, away from the world, and think you can stop time is wrong.

I've made all these mistakes. I've run, and run, and RAN my whole fucking life.

I've never thought I was right,
because I wish I didn't exist.
because I wish I was someone else.
because I wish I was weaker than everyone else.
because I wish I was invisible so everyone would forget me.
I wish I didn't have to exist, be someone, be stronger, and be invincible outside of this room.

But, you see, I'm far too late to be right anymore.
It's too late to say goodbye, I'm sorry, or I love you.
I'm wrong. I've never been right.

ウミ