Thinner.

I realized recently, that all of those people who didn't know me, that never saw me, and only saw how ugly I was before, told me, "You lost weight!"

Something about those words, made me wonder why.

I remember I lost weight when I moved in with my dad. His first house. The new one that was kind of a duplex, but also kind of town house. In McGrath, where the "rich" people lived. I was happy then. I can still remember the happiness I had then, and I know perfectly why I lost weight without even batting an eyelash. I knew just fine.

But now, when I'm... so empty and lost and... drowning again, where does my body find the time to seek beauty? I know I hoped to lose weight. I know I hated my body. I know I hated myself. I just wanted to be a little prettier. I just wanted to... prove to some people that I'm trying. I did wish... to be... skinny, to be thin, instead of large and always called overweight. I know I wanted this, but in between all of that, I was dealing with myself all over again.

I had to deal with school. I had to get over my dad. I had to face my ugly self and fight to keep myself sane. Or even finding ways to run away and get away from myself.

Where, tell me, in between all of that, did my body find time to take up my one wish to be just a little thinner? To have people appreciate me? For people... not to look at me with"that look", and think I've gotten prettier since I've lost all of that... weight?

But really, it wasn't my body that gave me that wish. It wasn't that at all.

Really, what was actually happening to my body was that I was emotionally exhausted. These conflicting feelings of hope and disdainful reality, made my body overwork. Recently, I even realized I had fallen ill, but I passed it off as sleeping late and sweat heavily in bed, hoping the heat would go away. I was even irritated at the rain for not cooling me down. I never believed in that, but I guess it was true.

Now onto something more light hearted.


はんぶんこ
もぅ＠DL７レポ作成中 @Pixiv

When I first saw this, I thought: "OH now I want to eat one of those!" Since I usually eat them at Sora's house... but... after a while, I kept looking at it... and now it reminds me of a used rubber, if you know what I mean.

...

I'll never eat the white ones again.