uhuuhuhuu~

As you all know, I'm completely addicted to Persona 3.

Not to mention, I think my favourite pairing from the whole game is ShinjiAki. God, those two are totally soul mates. Not to mention, Akihiko keeps saying after pretty much every battle, "Did you see that Shinji?"
Akihiko-sempai, even if you're too logical and bad with girls, you still have Shinji! (well, he's dead, but still.)

And no matter how many times I see Akihiko in his swim suit... I still go all fujoshi. ESPECIALLY when I had Shinjiro in my battle team~ I mean, come on! How tempting does a uke with speedos and over-sized t-shirt sound to you?! (...Well, I guess, not very tempting if you're not a fujoshi, but we're ignoring that)
I'm pretty sure if I was Shinji, and I saw Aki in that outfit... WELL~ rofl.

So enough about my fujoshiness over Persona 3...

Okay, one last mention, I just couldn't, for the life of me, imagine the MC with Akihiko. I mean, I like the MC and I adore Akihiko, but they're both uke material! It just didn't work! Although... MCJunpei would be kind of awkward too... since Junpei is obviously crushing on Chidori... -sigh- downside to Persona 3, the MC, no matter how androgynous, cannot be paired up with anybody. Not even with the girls! I'm gonna play the girl's story later, since I'm almost done the guy's. Maybe I'll meet some super hot guy to pair the male MC with, rofl. XD

'KAY, FOR REAL NOW, NO MORE PERSONA BABBLE

I got sick this week. Probably because of the constant all-nighters and unhealthy eating habits, but yeah. x___x I'm scared to eat, because I feel all nauseous after it, but I ate cookies and asked my mom to make me some tea. I actually think it's a caffeine deficiency now... too much tea? Too much cola? I dunno anymore! I just have a bad headache and feel all icky inside like how people usually do when they're sick! Ugh.

And, once again, my brother's birthday party has been completely fucking shot down because of the rain. This is the second time in a row. So he has decided: "God hates [him]". ^^ I'm glad he realizes this now, when he's 17! Ohohohohoho~

Now, onto some strange things I've been mulling over lately.

Recently, I remembered when I had to write an autobiography, and I went over it with my teacher, Mrs. Lesik. I mean, she was a harsh teacher, man. Like she was rude to you if you were incompetent. So I had to try really hard to please her all the time. Which draws me back to thinking, when I told her all the ugly things about myself (like about growing up pretty much fatherless, pressured by my mom to hate my dad, the gambling problem my mom had, making us live in poverty... etc.), like how I thought so many things were my fault, she was the first person to say, "You're a beautiful girl. Really."

At the time, I was hesitant. She's white. White people hand out compliments like how whores hold their vagina on their sleeves. I didn't really believe her, nor did I want to talk to her about how I lived my life, so when she asked me about things (like how I felt about things), I told her, instead, how things happened. Just to make her see me differently. I wrote my autobiography badly, maybe this is an excuse, but it's because I view my past as an ugly thing.

The same thing was told to me by another white woman. This time, by my father's "girlfriend", my "auntie" as I called her. I told her things, I knew my dad hid from her. Like how my mom was being forced to pay rent while living in the condo (which was pretty much owned by my dad), how the old black Volvo that she rode in while with my dad was actually my mother's, and how I went to a foster home and had to be treated like a temporary dog.

I didn't believe those words again. How was I "beautiful" when I couldn't do anything? When I moved into my dad's house, I thought I regained some face. I was doing something for my mother. Even though I was being treated like a dog.
I realized long before, that while I lived in my dad's house, I was just another pet to them. I was fed, I was talked to once in a while, and I was told to do certain things at certain times. Like how BB was fed good food, cuddled once in a while, and told to do tricks and go to his pillow when he got in trouble. All the other times, he was left to do what he wanted. Like me. So how was I beautiful? I was just another "dog" to them. I left my mom because I didn't want to be another mouth to feed. I ran to some other "family" who I thought would ease my troubles. I was right, I lived my time there with the same worries as BB-- How do I keep making my owners love me? Do I act cute? Do I ask for attention? What is this?

I know a lot of people have been supportive of me. I know that, maybe once in a while, I should give in and believe it. Believe that, despite my past, I'm beautiful because I'm alive today to re-tell the story of my 15 years. That for many more years to come, no matter how bound I am to these people who have ruined my life, I can keep fighting and prove myself to be better than all of this.

But, reality is, beliefs like that means a person has to be strong. They mean that, you've only seen a side of the world's horrors and with this thought, you can see so many more beautiful parts of the world.

But you know, all of the people I've met, have only faced probably one or two tragedies. Like... Riku, for example. She's lesbian and her parents are in a serious religious cult. That's it. Luna: she has had to move like three billion times. That's it. The kids in all of the mangas and animes I've read and watched... their lives seem so simple! Even in Cat Street. =__=;;;

Although, I do kind of understand. I mean, if all these bad things happen to one person, everyone would get kind of pissed, but still, that's how I feel my whole life has been like. Like one big soap opera. As I get older, I'm just getting less time to deal with my problems.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure why I suddenly thought of all this. I think there's a good reason though, and it's because I don't think of myself as beautiful, or able to fight. When I was told I was beautiful, it was when I was at my strongest, but now...

I think this is where I'm at my weakest.