It doesn't make cents.

一番奥の部屋 by スノン @Pixiv

It's been a few days since I've had this conversation with my brother, but I keep thinking about it. And it bothers me.

For the longest time, I thought I was the only one. The only one in the family who had trouble keeping myself together. Who couldn't stand up and say, "I want this."

The only one afraid to show myself. Be somebody. Make something of myself. Ask for happiness.

To be honest, I laugh while I say, "I think I have confidence issues," just so I can hide how true I honestly think it is.

When I told my brother, who I believe to have gotten all of the good genes, he said, "You know I do too."

And maybe that shook me up more than I thought.

Because now I'm thinking of when I told Emma, "There are so many times I think you're so much better than me. So many times I know others think you're better than me. When you're beside me and I know they compare us, and I make you look so much better."

And she said, "You know, there are times when I think you're prettier than me."

And that shut me up.

But then I tell Cloe, "I'm not confident in anything that I do. I feel like, if I'm not doing it for someone, and they don't ask me for it, I can't do it. I can't be confident enough to do my best."

And she says she understands.

And that made me feel weak.

Because for all those years,

My brother was smarter than me.

Emma was prettier than me.

And Cloe was weaker than me.

But now I find out,

My brother's just as idiotic as me.

Emma's just as ugly as I am.

And Cloe is stronger than me.

So what the fuck does that make me?

What should I think of myself now?

That I'm somehow surpassing my brother by making new friends, passing high school like this, and I don't know, being asexual so I don't need to care about relationships?

That I'm somehow bettering Emma by having those moments of gorgeousness, taking it easy and focusing on my friends, and - oh, what the fuck - not having any relationships at all compared to her six boyfriends in a year?

That I'm somehow becoming so selfish that I've been looking at myself, and not anyone else? That being this blind has made me weak? That being this weak has made me a rotten person? Worse than what I was?

Is my life... really based on how I can open up to people?
Is my life... really based on what I see in the reflection?
Is my life... really not all about how rotten and broken I am?

Because somehow the people I've looked up to, and envied, and hated, and wished I had been born just like that, have told me otherwise.

I think the final straw was when I realized even my brother has found something respectable in me.

Thank you.
ウミ