You Got Brave.

Psh, please.

You know, sometimes, I think you're amazing.
Sometimes, I think you're so goddamn brave.
Sometimes, I think if it's you, you can do it.

But then again, More often than I think you're amazing, brave, or fucking you.
I think you're cruel.
I think you're a goddamn coward.
I think because it's you, I can't rely on you.

I think, you never stop to think.
Just like her.

You might have never noticed, but I tried. At one point, I was just like you. I'd fidget, I was OCD, I was always trying to make things right.

I fidgeted and I tried to control my obsessiveness. I tried to hold myself down... but being with you for so long, I couldn't stand by and see you rot like this.
So I tried to fix you.

Then she waltzes right in. Like fucking Cinderella, you became her "fairy godmother". You forget every single goddamn thing I taught you.

You can play your innocent game as long as you want. I let you. I saw right through you, but I never said a word. You can hide behind your fake ignorance, and "selective memory". You can make the world spin at whatever the fucking speed you want.

But maybe I forgot to tell you.
Maybe it's my fault, because I'm so obsessed with fixing you.
Every single fucking time.
It's not about you. It's everything about you.

Because I know all those times I thought you were amazing, was when you stood up naturally. You stood up, taller than me. All those times, I'd sit beside you while you stood up and said the right thing. Because I know all those times I thought you were brave, was when I told you I believed in you. You believed in me, who believed in you, who believed that you believed me. (LOL) Where you stood and fought head-on with what you knew was right. Because I know all those times I thought you of all people, were the one to help me through this. To listen to me cry, and hear me get angry, sad, or just downright fucking sappy. You know best how I cry when I'm frustrated, how I cry when I miss things, how I'm weak and suck at keeping secrets.
That it's you.
The one who was there to listen when no one else did.

But more often than those moments, I know I look down at you.
I know I make it seem like you disappoint me. Like you fail me.

Because you're cruel. To everyone else, you are unfair. In a way, I admit, I liked being in your favour. I liked it when you treated me better than everyone else, even if it was just an extra cookie or something. Although, I wasn't there to be liked by you. I felt like if I continued to be liked by you, I would be the one failing you. So I pushed you. I was cruel to you, so you wouldn't be cruel to everyone else. You learned well. I know because she came into your life. They came into your life.
And with them, you became a coward. From the point that your mother said, "Stop being friends with them." You became an unbelievable coward. You know, I was fine with it. You didn't say anything to defend yourself, even when I knew and you knew, what was right. Fine, you're a coward, and even if you lost them, at least you know what it's like to be kind. Everything was fine, until she digs a hole under the gate I made for you, and pops up saying, "Keep me."

To say you fucked up would be wrong. To say I fucked up by teaching you to be kind, would be wrong. To say she fucked you up, would be the understatement of the century.
And I don't blame her. No, I don't, because she can't stop it completely. She can't make everything stop. She tried to find help, and because I taught you to be kind, you helped her.

Where you fucked up, is when I realized it was you who had to help her.

If you kept it a secret, you wouldn't have to let go of my hand and walk away from me. If you shut your mouth, I wouldn't have laid my hands on your shoulders and said you can do it. If you had labeled the whole file under her as "CLASSIFIED", I wouldn't have put you down. I would carry you on my back, and never looked back to see her on yours.

Where you fucked up, is when I knew I couldn't help you or fix you, if you wouldn't fix yourself.
Where you [started to "help" her], is when I knew [I couldn't be there] with you.

Everything about you, I knew and mended was - just like that - crushed. She "re-built" you on your kindness, that you learned from me.

The Me, and The You and The Her, will never be in the same equation. You're in the middle and she's on the same side as you. I can't pass that barrier.

I found you every single time. Now you're looking for her before she loses herself.
How does that work? When I'm chasing. You're looking. She's running.

I can't rely on you to make things work. That's the only time I'll put it like that.

Figure it out. Understand it.
Figure her out. Understand her.

That's the only thing left you can do not to disappoint me.
Please, just be brave.

ウミ