Angry War.

Everyday, this is like an
Angry War with him.

見てんじゃねぇよ by なこ @Pixiv

I sit there at the table with him.
I sit there with my brother.

My brother comments on something, he has to say something back.
Sometimes, I wish my brother wouldn't say anything at all. Just so he wouldn't say anything back. Just so he wouldn't talk.

And yet, when I say something. To my brother.
He thinks he can just come into the conversation and start talking.
It's like he thinks he can just walk into my life again.
Take away the last thing special about me.
My words.

And he was talking trash about my mom again.
Saying, "Why doesn't she save up money?"
And yet, he's never been there to save up money for us.
Saying, "Just wait for my day off, that's the perfect time to go shopping."
And yet, he's never even been there to take care of the groceries.
To feed us.
To make the money to buy the food.

And I talk. I say some simple words.
He gets angry.
Saying, "That's disrespectful."
"That's stupid."

Well Fuck You.

I put up with SO MUCH SHIT.

I PUT UP WITH ALL OF HIS SHIT.
THAT HE HAS MADE ME INTO.

Where the fuck were you to teach me what the fuck disrespectful was?
Where the fuck were you when I was stupid and young?
Where the fuck were you when I needed someone to notice there was something wrong?

Where the fuck was he when I wanted to feel protected?

I'm grown up now.

I don't need to feel protected, safe, or secure.
I don't think about money anymore.
I don't think about how fucked up this is.
I don't think about how angry I am.
I don't think about loving you.
Just why I need to forgive you.
Just why I need to call you "Dad".

I never questioned it before.

Like he has never given me anything before.

Well what the fuck is disrespectful? You never taught me.
Well what the fuck is stupid? You never taught me what's "smart".

I learned all on my own, what those two things were.
If I'm wrong, then fine.
Whatever that says about my mom, I don't care.
Because she's the only one who notices me anymore.

海