Cloe recently told me, "I find things just get more and more complicated as we get older."
And I told her, "I think it's more straightforward."
Because, really, I understand what she means. If I look at it like how she does.
On the other hand, if I look at like how I am...
Things change.
"I didn't know my mom was falling into debt, even though it was pretty obvious.
I didn't know we didn't pay rent.
I didn't know my mom borrowed a lot of money from friends to feed me, my brother, and my nephew.
I didn't know my sister only worked part-time because she didn't have the education to have a full time job.
I didn't know my older sister was having an even better life than I was.
but now, I'm like, fifteen, I think
and I know all of it now
and I keep figuring it out
I keep understanding more and learning more about my past
but I'm not learning anything about my future and stuff."
I remember when Sora was having problems with her parents, I asked her, "Do you think it would have been better if it happened when you were younger, or right now?"
Divorce, I mean.
She said, "Now, because I can do something about it."
Once again, I looked at it differently.
To be honest, I was a bit angry at her for thinking that.
But then I felt angrier at myself, for not understanding her.Because it's true. I keep learning about my past.
I keep wishing for so many things to come back.
I keep wanting to go back.
To try to change something.
To understand something.
To see those miracles I missed.
To have a miracle happen.
To stop living in the past.I realized, recently, all those drives my mom took us out on.
All those times she would sleep the afternoon away.
All those times she got drunk.
All those times she held me to sleep.
Were to get away from herself.
Did she ever think of dying?
You would think, something horrible happening would make someone try harder.
My mother lived through breast cancer.
I think she died then.
I was four or five then.
There was a problem with my life. One single problem,
breaking into a million others.I realized, when I was twelve, there was something wrong.
Cloe's right, as we get older, things get more complicated.
"I think when we were kids it was more simple, we had less schoolwork, less responsibility, lower expectations, ect."
But I look at my past. I think that was complicated enough. Do I need to elaborate any more?
(To Michou, Amaya, and Nina, who might or might not read my blog, I'm sorry. I can't explain further.)
So in a way, I think my present is straightforward. I think it's simple. I don't need to question it.
It's weird and unfamiliar, but I don't need to question it.
Sora's right, having parents separated when you're at this age, would make it easier.
Although, I think I needed to hear it.
I think I needed to hear, that it would be better when I'm younger. That way, I wouldn't have to deal with it. I wouldn't understand it, until I'm older and I can't do anything about it.
From her words though, I felt I had failed. I felt like I had become a "disappointment", because I couldn't do anything.
because I didn't do anything.And in this way, not doing anything, up until I was twelve, everything hit me.
Things like...
My mom was falling into debt, even though it was pretty obvious.
We didn't pay rent, in the apartment we moved into.
My mom borrowing a lot of money from friends to feed me, my brother, and my nephew.
My sister only worked part-time because she didn't have the education to have a full time job.
My older sister was having an even better life than I was, and I hadn't seen her in eight years.My dad still wasn't there. When was the last time I saw him?
That's
normal.
I know I've told Sora the truth. It's not the whole truth, but it's the truth.
If I was to tell anyone the whole truth, it'd be like telling them the reason I wanted to die.
Even at Riku's party when I talked about moving in with my dad, and how I wanted to die when I was twelve. Those were hard times for me, consciously.
What hurts the most, is when I think of the unconscious moments.
Like those drives. The radio. Like that sleep. The dreams. Like those books. The escape.Suddenly, those things make me break down the most.
Suddenly, I'm faced with the facts of why and how it built up to that point of thinking of suicide. That point... where I wanted everything to
stop.
I hate thinking about them...
but they make me feel the most alive.
They remind me why I am, who I am right now.Suddenly, I don't feel so weak anymore.
ウミ