あなたに私の気持ちがわかりますか

あなたに私の気持ちがわかりますか
by mokuba @Pixiv

Just give me a minute.

Give me a moment, to make sure...
that this is me.

Who am I fooling?



white canvas
by あも。 @Pixiv

I want to start over. I want to erase everything.
Take back all of my mistakes. All of my misfortunes.
And delete them. Erase them. Cover them up with white.

Innocent, pure white.

But I want to have it all.
And with everything and all, every colour is put together and mixed. And mixed. And mixed.
Until it becomes black.

Faded into the world, the colour becomes gray. Dull. Boring. Null.

Ennui.

At first, at the beginning, at the start.

When I first started to become saturated with this boredom. This hatred. This hurt. This pain.
When I first started to drown and soak in the black ink of my existence.

There was fungus.

Harvesting in the pot of soup or congee or rice.

I was being suffocated by filth.

And then, suddenly. I was clean. Free. Easy-going. Carefree.

Happy.

In the end, the FIN, the fine-nal-ly, the 'The End' of The End.

That was the moment of death. The release of escape that lead to ultimate "eternal life".

There was a mango. A dog. Fake plastic looking wood floors. Carpet.

Life spurned all around me. Life I had always wanted.

I was being suffocated by invidia.

Against my own father, because he had it all. While I had nothing.

People say you aren't born guilty. You aren't born with the sins of your mother or father pigmented into the very pores of your skin. You aren't. You're free.

You are your own person.

But would anyone like to tell me, just a clue, a symbol, an ounce of mercy that would tell me:
How I ended up having to put up with their shit?

How I ended up poor, along with my mother? How I ended up with the same stupidity as my mother?

How I ended up angry, along with my father? How I ended up with the same selfishness as my father? How I have his ignorance?

We aren't born broken and ugly.

But we are soaked in our maker's filthy blood to become that way.

海