The Hardest Fall.

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by mokuba @Pixiv

I have no future.

And yet, I force myself to see something. To see myself. Alive. Old. Pretending. Just for a few more years.

And then it all comes crashing down.

Funny how, we spend our whole lives preparing to become something. Without reward or gratitude, we are thrown into the world from day one and told: "Work."

I lost everything. I had hit rock-bottom from day one.
And then I was told to "work".

And I did. Relentlessly. Hopefully. Determined.

And yet I feel so fucking stupid.

Is this what I built myself to become? Did all those years come down to nothing?

Funny though, how every single time I had hit the bottom of the ocean, I bounced back and float to the top.

Then down, plunk, and then up again.

Is this what they call the roller coaster of life? How tiring.

Because in my hand, I feel the grains of sand tickling my palm. My hand that reaches for the shore, digs through the bottom of the ocean, reaching and searching for something.

Something I would never achieve. Something strikingly obvious.

A reward.

I think it's too late now.

For this "reward". I've worked all my life to make up for what life stole from me.
For what my father stole from me.
And now I'm tired. Tired of working for a life I hate.
And now I'm bored. Bored of the way I understand how my life will end.
And now I'm sick. Sick to my bones with this disgusting and filthy existence.
"Make up" for what I've lost. What I've lost is something that will never never be "replaced".

Did anyone ever tell you?

Your father is who represents what one envisions God to be.
When you don't have a father in your life, there is no God.
No fear for "sinning", for becoming "tainted", or "unforgivable".

That's like loving without love. Living without hope.
Fucking for virginity.

Right?

海