How much?

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by Pege @Pixiv

"

Sometimes.

There are moments, I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel.
Like feeling sorry for the loss of a person.
Like being grateful for what I have now.
Like being polite and friendly to my elders.

And sometimes.

It's easy for me to hold it all in. To close my lips. Hide my secrets.
There are so many things so many people still don't know.
And I'm still too scared to admit them.
And I'm still too cowardly to face them.

But I can still lie to myself and believe myself. Glue my words to my face and make sure to believe myself.

Is that what they mean by being more sure of myself?

It's weird because I'm so smart. So cunning. So malicious.
It's like I have two parts of myself.
To put it plainly.
And somehow, they're co-existing. Moving and creating my body and existence side by side.

The normal expectant one. The crazy psychological nut-case in the other.
Most times, I'm okay. I'm okay, and I know it because people believe me.
Because no one asks, "Are you okay?"
I'm fine.
At those moments.
But I'm scary when I'm not her.

There was the broken home, the abandoned mansion, the closed gates, the frightening tree, and then the boat now... now... there's the slaughterhouse."

That was two years ago, ten days before my birthday.

You know, the scary thing is that... it's so hard for me to admit, because I don't want it to be true.

The scary thing is that, I didn't even know what was happening to me then. I didn't know what I was doing. I was going through depression and I didn't even know it.

I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself, and I know people say that all the time.
Except...
Except when it's depression, you feel a million things at once.
You feel so much that you don't feel anything anymore. You can't do anything, or say anything to make it go away, and that's all you want to do.

Just make it go away.

Depression is feeling lonely.
All the time, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. There was never a moment I didn't feel lonely.
I was with family, I was with friends, I was talking to someone who told me he loved me. I told myself every single fucking day, "You should be grateful. You should be happy. You should be okay."

Depression is feeling sad.
Sad about where you are, sad about who you're with, sad with who you are, what you are, and everything about yourself to the point...
To the point you don't know who you are anymore.

Depression is feeling tired.
You don't do anything. You can't bring yourself to do anything. You get up every morning.
Except you don't really.
This weariness is just...
There.
Always tired.
Never feeling anything else, but so fucking tired.

Like holding your breath underwater and swimming for miles, on miles, on miles.
No shore in sight.

I don't know what made me decide to talk about it now.

I'm just so scared.
I'm scared I'll fall back in. I'm scared I'm climbing, and not running, and I'm going to go to that edge of the cliff, and I'm going to jump.

Only, the ocean won't be there to save me. No one will save me.

And I'm so scared.

It's not about wanting to die.
It's about not wanting to live.
It's about how I can't live for anybody, how I can't figure out where I am or who I am, about how I can't fight anymore.

How I can't run anymore.

It's a feeling I can't put into words. If you hold your breath and close your eyes and just lie there, maybe you'll get it, even just a little bit. When your lungs hurt, when the noise dulls, and all you can think about is breathing; all you want to do is take a breath, that's sort of what depression feels like. It's emotional though, inside your head, and you can't breathe when you want to or when you need to.

Like suffocating yourself.

God, I don't want to do that again. I don't want to feel so scared or so vulnerable.

I don't know what to do.

海