Live in the moment.

"What would be your perfect guy?"
"What is your type?"

Someone serious.

But now I realize, I need someone who can make me stop thinking.
Make me stop feeling like I'm clamming up, like I'm the awkward and weird psychopath.
Someone who can make me stop feeling
like I'm disconnected.

Like there are lenses between me and my life.
To make me stop feeling like all I'm doing is documenting my life.
To make me start living it.

And I say:

I know myself. I'm not lost.

When really, I'm only looking at the reflection of my true self. Not living as her.


表と裏
by Tomiko @Pixiv
And the truth is: sometimes... most times, I find myself saying ugly things to myself. Looking at myself and being the angry, ugly child, that I grew up to know myself as.

The pain is so normal. I know just exactly what words to hurt myself with.
Because I can't break down this wall. This laminated cold surface.
Separating me from the sea and reaching her.

And every time some hopeless romantic asks me about love. Asks me about what kind of man I want. What kind of man I would love.

I change my answer every time, because every time I look through the mirror...
I see something different.

And if there is a man out there that can break this barrier holding me cold. Stopping me short.
And get the best of me.

Make me real. Make me her.

Maybe I could feel complete and safe.
And this pain wouldn't feel so normal.

海