It isn't because I think I don't exist. It's that I know I exist.

But it's like I didn't exist, before he came back into my life.


想ってるんだ、
by 兎魚 蓮 @Pixiv
I'm thinking, even now.

What happened to the girl who slept right at ten o'clock?
What happened to the girl who did her homework every night?
What happened to the girl who showed up to school every day, like clockwork?

What happened to her sense of responsibility?
What happened to her vow of self-respect?
What happened to her obligation to prove everyone wrong?
To prove someone wrong?

I realize now, that I had always been an angry child growing up.
I wasn't very bright, or very smart, nor diligent in my schoolwork.
I'm still not sure how I passed most of elementary.
I just know I was angry.
All of the time.

Either that, or I was crying. I was ugly.

Lots of people told me when I was younger, "You'll be ugly if you cry, you should smile because you'll be prettier."

I smiled all the time. All of the time.

It didn't matter whether I was crying or smiling. No one loved me.

I thought, with all my willpower and strength, that one day, when I showed the one person who hurt me the most, what I became (responsible, strong, opinionated, smart) he would regret. He would see what he missed out on. He would love me and I would continue to be that responsible, strong, opinionated, and smart little girl.

But even after that year of showing him everything, the best of me, I don't see any of what I hoped for.

The mother who didn't care, and neglected me. The mother who I threw my anger at because she didn't make anything right. The mother who was too lazy to help me and trust me, and who I cannot trust and help now, says:

"School is your responsibility. You should be working hard to grow up and get a good job and help me live comfortably."

To that, I say:
"My brother can do that."

Because she didn't say that when I cared. She didn't do that when I needed her. Why do I have to return the favour?

She doesn't ever talk about how diligent, how responsible, how smart I was. She only ever talks about now. When I'm tired of trying to prove people wrong. When I'm tired and sick, and being asked to do the impossible.

When I've already abandoned these people who've abandoned me years ago.

I didn't exist until now.
Everything I've done up to now, is nothing.

I've started at zero again. Already.

海