If I wasn't me. If I was there. If I was this. If she were...

rkgk
by 仮名 @Pixiv

If I wasn't here. If I wasn't this.

I'm always thinking about this. It's the same thought that flies through my mind all the time. The only thought I can't get enough of.

The only obsession I have that I just can't let go of.

No matter how much I ignore it. No matter how much I try to alter it. Change it. Fix it. Kill it.

It never changes.

If I was hot or smart...
If I was a princess locked in a castle or a peasant working like a slave...
If I could have anything I wanted or nothing at all...

"Which would be better?
To love and lose
or
to never have loved at all?"

I've thought about it before. Passingly, if I could be a boy, would I?
If I were born as a man, would my life be better?

Passingly. If I could be rich, would I?
If I were born into money, would I be any happier?

Passingly, if I could be beautiful and smart, would I?
If I were born beautiful and smart, would I feel like this?

It takes a long time for me to realize that it's okay to be me.
It's okay.

But just because it's okay, doesn't mean I like it.

I realized quite a while ago.

"Is this who you are, not who you want to be?"

Of all the perfect things Dan said to me, this is the one thing he missed.
Maybe I took that chance away from him.
Maybe he never actually noticed.
Maybe he didn't actually care.

I wonder, even now, if I was a guy and I talked to Dan in the same manner, would he have noticed? Would he have bothered to talk to me as long as he did? Would I have felt less caring towards him? Would I still have his e-mails and notes?

This is the one thought that confuses me the most. Not about Dan, but about what I could have become. What I have been completely different? Would I have liked myself better?

There's this whole other life I could have lived. Yet, I will never know anything about it. This confounds me.

I've tried so hard to leave my past behind me, but every time, I realized the new people I meet will want to know about my past. Then it follows me. Haunts me until I realize I'm nothing more but my past.

If that girl on the other side of this mirror were me...
Would she be happier?

If I were her reflection, would I be happier?

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