Keep running, you're almost there.

"You look like shit."


太陽の下とは思えない程
by ぎ@通販始めました @Pixiv

Sometimes, I wonder:

Is it worth it?

Actually, I think about that a lot.

I remember talking to 空 about how much we didn't like girls who wore make-up just for her guy. I said I respected girls who wore make-up to make herself feel good. Like a rejuvenation ritual in the morning.

I remember saying how I knew how. I knew how to put on make-up, but I don't know how to make myself feel good.

And it drags on like this. My thoughts circle until I'm thinking:

Maybe if I was dating. Maybe if I liked someone. Maybe if I fell in love.

I would feel it. I would feel like I had the strength to try harder.

But then I think about what Jerome and Yano said when I said "I've never liked anyone, never dated anyone, and never kissed anyone," and they said:

That's sad.

Is it?

I mean, it's not like I haven't questioned myself before. Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken? Am I... infected or something? I don't feel anything. Not for anyone.

Obviously, at some point, I questioned my sexuality. Maybe I was just gay? I just hadn't found the right girl. Then I thought of boobs and vagina, and Riku later on, and almost gagged. Obviously, I was not gay.

Then I thought I was starting to become normal. Fan girl-ing, squealing over boys, obsessing, all that good stuff. Just... when I compared that feeling to the feeling I understood associated with "dating" and "liking", it all just felt so empty. So hollow and shallow.

And Jerome asked me:

Don't you feel lonely?

I'm not sure if I was being honest or not, but I answered:

No, of course not. Why would I be?

I felt offended, but I also felt like, for once, someone saw a part of me no one seems to recognize.

Because when I think about it, when everyone thinks about it, love is painful. It hurts. There are so many emotions tied up and wrapped in this one-track minded feeling. How do we- you- humans, put up with this overload of emotions?

I correct myself, because I have never felt that way. You might not have felt this way. So generally: humans.

The thing is, though, that because we're all humans, we feel since we were born. These emotions rub against us like sandpaper, over and over and over, until we're all smooth, soft, and pliable beings, after all that rope burn and pain, we're finally beautiful. We just can't feel that sandpaper burn anymore. We can't feel the warmth of that burn.

And because we're all humans, we always feel lonely. It's a constant feeling. We might be in a crowded room, we might be amongst our friends, we might be talking with someone one-on-one. The loneliness is always there, like our guardian angel, looking over our shoulder and making sure we find ways to keep feeling, to keep living.

The problem here, with me, is that, this burn has long since died out. The sandpaper scratching at me, went a little too fast and left me bleeding instead of rounded and beautiful. If you have sandpapered wood before, you'll know that if you sand the wood, no matter how much, if you look closely enough, there are scratch marks. Most people are like this. Tiny scratches, but overall smooth, rounded, and desired. After all that pain, they can be wanted. I don't look like that.

And because I don't look like that, I've always been hurt by words I try to forget. I forget, or pretend to at least, and act strong. This is the image people see me as. I'm not confident, no, I'm just strong. Sturdy, functional, but I can't do much. When asked a question, I answer. Jerome asked me if I was lonely, in my image of strong and sturdy and, at the time obvious-common-sense logic, I said no. Why would I be? I have friends. We had booze. I have family. I'm content.

Of course though, even though that makes sense, and they are facts.
What's the truth?

And I'll admit, I'm scared to admit this. I'm shaking like I'm having a seizure, and I can't stop shivering.
Because I want to keep pretending to be strong. I want that pretend to become my reality.
This is not who I am. It's just who I want to be.

One time, while talking to a stranger, I said:

I hate myself. Everything I am right now.
Because everything I am right now is a lie.
I'm not who I really am.

He asked:
Why?
You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.
I like you.

I'm not who I want to be.
Who I really am, is nothing like who I want to be.

He said:
Then change who you are into who you want to be.

I've been trying all my life. I just keep killing myself.

It's so hard.

All up to this point, I've tried to become interested in make-up. I've tried to be artistic, because people say I can draw. I've tried to be musical. I've tried to be smart.

None of those things are me.

They're all part of who I want to be.
All part of a life I will never have.
All part of a life I have been wishing for since I was a little girl.

So I ask myself:

"Is it worth it?"

To give myself up. To give up all I've ever striven to be.
Just to fall all back down.

To become just that simple girl who is unmotivated, un-beautiful, nothing?
The one who is actually weak, and lonely, and forgets the past hurtful words,
because I am a coward.

Because I am "sad".

I don't care if people see me like this. I don't care if people see me as "sad", "lonely", or "strong" anymore.

I'm going to keep running, keep trying to be the girl I want to be. She's not me, but I want to at least say I tried.

Even if I'm always tired.
海