Don't.

Hurt Locker
by wooga @Pixiv



I just needed to get it out.

Everything. Anything. This. That. Her. Him.

I just had to say it.

I wanted to be honest again.

I wanted the time when honesty was a good thing again.

I wanted to burn everything down and run. Run away. Walk away.
I was never any good at running.

I believe in so much. Yet so little.
I'm learning everyday that I'm viewed as a bad person.
I'm learning everyday why no one talks to me.

Yet, I somehow feel that this is how everyone should be.
I don't care if this is the ugly side of me that's always showing, I'm always honest with the people I talk with.

I don't tell people they're pretty if they're not. I tell them they're funny, or cute, or nice, or rude, or compassionate, or a worry-wart, or a good person.

I believe people to be what they do. I believe people to be what they intend to do.
I intend to be honest before being kind or gentle, I intend to be caring before being funny or polite.

I believe things come and go. Especially people.
I also believe that parts of you come and go too.
I've had five cycles now. I believe a new one is starting soon.

And even though it seems like it's all about me. It has nothing to do with me.

I'm just saying I need to get it out. My intention is to get this person inside of me out. So I can be me again. So I can be honest again.

Yes, I'm always disappointed.
I always keep hoping that I've made you better. I've helped you. That along the way, somewhere along this fucktard of a road of fucking fucked up shit, I grabbed your hand and helped you escape and face your fears.
That I somehow helped you, whether intentionally or not.
I'm always disappointed because when it's truly put into test, you fail.
And that shows what I've done. What I've taught you. What I've done for you.
Nothing.

Apparently.

It's been put to the test. More times than you know.
How you've helped me.

How you've helped us.

How good of a friend you can be.
Because I consider you more than just my friend. I consider you my sister.
No matter how many times I walk away, no matter how many times I lash out at you,
I know I'll always be connected to you. I know I'll always find you.

No matter how much of a shit-eating bastard you are, I'll be right beside you to be "shit-eating bastard" 2.

Because you'll listen to me when I listen to you.

You're stupid. I'm not saying you're not.
You're rude. I don't think I even need to say that.
And you're unique. Which isn't always a good thing.

But even so. You're still my sister.
My little sister, considering how naive you still are.
You're still naive.
And as an older sister, I have to protect and teach you.
You need to learn.
More about yourself. More about him. More about love.

"Always put yourself first."

Just you.

But if you don't know anything about something (you don't know how it looks, feels, talks, etc.), how can you put it first?

Worry about yourself.
Isn't that your intention?

海