When did I become like this?Oddly, I think if I knew the answer to this question, I could change. Something inside myself would shift and wake me up again.
But I know that's a lie I'm telling myself to feel better about this guilt.
Whatever I do, nothing is going to change the fact that I'm ugly.
That I'm a horrible person and I would rather ignore my problems than try to fix them.
Where do I stand?
Yesterday, I went to Pride. There were a lot of lesbians, a few hot gay men, and generally, a very sexual atmosphere? I didn't take pictures since nothing was really interesting, but it's crazy to see so many gay people. Technically, I was the only "straight" one who went to Pride out of our group of five. We talked a lot about relationships, sexuality, and I learned a lot about people and sexuality. It was a good day, but I felt so unfulfilled. By the end of the day, I felt like I missed a big part of something.
Pride is, obviously, a very sexual event, despite all the children there. There are men walking around without shirts, women with no shirts, men in just their underwear or very short shorts, women with just bikini tops, and drag queens and their low cleavage.
One float had men in just underwear dancing to Born This Way by Lady Gaga, and another float had their men grinding.
After the parade, the whole place was jam-packed, and I felt kind of claustrophobic. Most of all, I felt even more of a minority.
I respect people who are proud to be gay. I respect that they know who they want to love, and have an idea of what they want.
At the entrance of Pride, there were lesbians, one with cat ears and the other with rainbow high-knee socks, making out. Up a few stairs, there was a man sitting in front of a monument with his boyfriend between his legs and making out.
I don't know whether this sounds rude or disrespectful, but it was weird. Not because both were of the same gender, but because I've never had that experience, and in a place packed with people who are looking for love... it's just weird.
Between going to Pride and Whyte, we sat down to eat somewhere along the way, and we got to the topic of family. We're all having family problems, and we all talked about it a little, but I didn't get into mine. Not because I don't feel comfortable telling people, I just didn't want to start. I've always had family drama, and really. Who wants to hear that I went to a foster home or that I've been disowned and poor since I was young? I would usually try to contribute, but after walking around seeing all these people in happy relationships, I just didn't feel up to it anymore. It was like a slap in the face, kind of, since I don't find that joy in being intimate with someone. I don't know what it's like to tell someone everything and know that they truly cared.
Hiding and ignoring my problems is what I do best. No one really cares about me because I play it all off. I'm strong enough to not look pitiful, but I'm not strong enough to stop hating the part of me that can be pitied.
To end on a more positive note:
Amaya went around hugging every person who had Free Hugs written somewhere on them. There were two guys with shirts that had Free Hugs on them, and there was a tanned blonde guy and a pale black haired guy. I couldn't help but stare at the black haired guy because he had blue eyes, and for the love of god, I couldn't tell if it was natural or not. I would have his babies if it was natural, even if he's gay goddamnit. I was going to ask, but that would have been awkward. :/
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