Again.

巣立ち
by コーラ @Pixiv

Recently, I watched "It's Kind Of A Funny Story".

Generally, it's about a teen who admits himself into the hospital on the tense that he feels suicidal and is potentially a danger to himself. He stays for one night, meeting all of the weird/interesting people in the psych ward, and decides that this isn't the place for him. However, he must stay for at least five days before he's allowed to leave.

I keep thinking about the movie and how much hope it gives me.

I'm scared of going back to school. I feel like a failure when the first day hasn't even begun. I feel scared that I'll have to sit at a table of strangers again, or sit alone. Maybe I'll be like that girl in Mean Girls, sitting in a bathroom cubicle and eating lunch awkwardly. Maybe not eating lunch at all.

Then I think about how Craig feels the same way as me sometimes. To the point where I want to admit myself to the hospital, because I feel like everyone else just deals with their problems... and I can't. I feel like I can't, and then I feel pathetic, and then I feel small and broken and unable to do anything. I'm trapping myself with my fears, because they just keep building.

I keep building and breaking and getting nowhere. I wish I could get over this with more strength than I have now.

I don't want to be judged.

I want to be little again and failing math, but no one judges me because they try to understand and that's all that matters.

I think of the film, and Craig, and how terrified he was of his father's expectations and how he would fail in life if he didn't get into this amazingly good summer school.

I want to break past that, too.

I want to grow up.

海