I've got this thing I consider my only art.

zns
by Hage @Pixiv

The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
Straight long enough you'll end up where you were.

I had another one of those "realizations" yesterday.

A year or so back, I posted about how I dreamed about arguing with my dad and the whole post was vague and lighthearted. Almost like I was doubting myself.

Like I knew, for sure, that I would never do that.

I would never yell at my dad. Never argue with him. Never say "I hate you".

Well, it happened and sometimes, in my dreams, I still have dreams about him coming home here, storming up here, and yelling at me. It would escalate and I would watch it all, like I wasn't actually there. Like I'm not there.

Because I wanted to be normal, you know?

Sometimes It's true

I don't know how to start.

When I hear about how people's parents fight. How they bicker. How their parents shout at each other, and how they wonder why their parents don't just divorce already.

I think:

"At least they married. At least you're this far in the game.
If you really hate it, talk to them about it.
They fight because they're trying."

Me
I didn't even get that far in the game.

I wanted to be normal. I act like I'm so normal. I pretend everything and anything just doesn't hurt me. I say I don't care, and I mean it, but goddamn it if I don't try to care.

Because as soon as I stop trying to care about anything, everything, and all of this, I become nothing.

And it might seem sometimes, that I have nothing. I was never the girl who got chosen to be the main role for the play. Never the girl who was rewarded for being smart. Being athletic. Being well-liked. Being hardworking. I was never anything.

I can't even be the main character in my own life.

Both Nina and Sora tell me I'm lucky. Lola says I'm cool.

But, really, I'm nothing.

My father has disowned me. The only part of my life that gave me a chance of happiness. Of becoming something. My only chance to be something. For once.

And now, it's gone for good. And I'm too scared to take it back.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the main or supporting lead in my story. I wanted to be the wise protagonist that saves everyone, and then is saved. I wanted to be strong and free and beautiful.

But the fact is. I'm still scared.

Because I know this whole charade is an act that will never become true. I know that this battle is never-ending and I can never win, or be right. I know that I can just as easily slip into this persona, and slip back out and be that scared little girl who wanted nothing else than to die.

If I keep running, straight along, I'll end up back where I was.
And that's the thing that terrifies me the most.

海