“Why don’t you just leave, huh? Get the fuck out while you still can?”

エピソードゼロ
by 海老原◉ ◒ ◉ @Pixiv

“Why do you give a fuck?”

“Because someone’s got to show you what it’s like to be loved!” Sledge was past the point of caring anymore, he ignored any warnings that Snafu would throw another punch and stepped right into his personal space. Both of his hands found their way to cup around the back of Snafu’s neck just under his ears, forcing him to look straight at Sledge as he spoke. “You’ve got to know what it feels like to know that there is at least one single person out there who’s not going to give up on you, no matter what, and for two fucking seconds can you please just believe that person could be me?” He swallowed hard, feeling as though he was beginning to panic but fighting back any worries in the face of finally, finally telling Snafu the truth. “If you don’t trust the rest of the guys back at Toccoa to not let you down - and they’ve never done anything to give you reason to believe that - then can you just … trust me instead.”

There are so many moments in my life I just wished for someone to say these things to me. So many moments when I was just at the edge, and I'm not even lying when I've considered all the million ways I could die and wishing one of them would happen.

Today, tomorrow, as soon as sleep finds me in the middle of the night.

I just wished someone was there to show me.

Because Snafu, the one pushing away Sledge, doesn't have a home to go back to now. His alcoholic dad kicked him out, his mom started a new family, and all he is are the leftovers of a mistake.

There are so many points in my life where I knew I was just a "mistake".

I was just the leftovers. I was being left behind.

“I’m done. I’m done with all of it, with - with people screwing me over, with everyone getting on with their lives without me, I’m just … I’m done with it.”

I wanted to run away, and stop being this sad part of my life. Stop being this one, tiny, fucking leftover part of myself.

I was just so tired.

But it's moments like these.
Parts of novels, parts of plays, parts of literature that reminds me that things can get better. That I'm not just the leftovers and I have hope.

That one day, I can trust someone that won't just leave me behind.

That will make me stop and think as quickly as I possibly can to find another reason why I need to live.

I still haven't felt everything yet. I'm learning through reading and watching, but it's not the same as experiencing it. And I still need to do that before I die. I still need to discover new things, feel new things, find ways to express myself intelligently.

I don't mind if people leave me behind now, but I trust them not to. I learned to trust.

I still need to learn.

海