Who Am I?

剣豪の背中
by HY @Pixiv

I used to be sure about who I am, about who I was. Then times changed, I lost friends, got new ones, kept some, and moved on. I tried hard to become the girl I wanna be. I want to be.

Not who I am.

I don't know a single girl who's comfortable in her own skin. Who can confidently say that she loves everything about herself, and she wouldn't change for the world. Not unless she has someone to love her. Someone who is passionate about her.

I think most girls are waiting for that one man who will love her passionately. Love her more than anything else, be most passionate about her and equally passionate about many other things.

I, on the other hand, don't wait for anything.

You know, the most confident thing I can say about myself is that I don't want anything.

Sure, I steal. Yeah, I'm risking my freedom here to get something I don't truly want. Then again, I don't think about what that means. I don't look at myself and try to read myself like a book.

Yes, I read others like a book. I analyze and guess the text. I assume and connect the character. I can't do that with myself. There isn't enough substance. Enough background to make motivation and create an inspirational character.

To make something passionate for her to truly be passionate about.

I forget myself sometimes. All the time. I never look twice at myself.

There's this broken part of me that doesn't get heart heavy seeing others in love. There's this broken part of myself that's never satisfied with herself. There's this broken part about myself that has forgotten what it's like to be myself, and not the girl I want to be.

The broken part of me that confidently says, "I don't want anything out of life."
So I don't live a life.
So I don't know if I need a man to be my other half.
So I don't know if I need to be stronger and better right now so I can be stronger and better later on in life.

There's this piece of me that simply doesn't exist in everyone else.

I've waited for it to grow, and waited for it to... to maybe be replaced and make me "fixed", but it didn't grow and I don't think it can be replaced if it was never there.

I don't know what it is, but I know it's not there and I'll never be able to live as who I am or even become who I want to be.

海