Depression.
Monday, January 23, 2012, 12:31 PM
where am i going?
by omori ひきこもり @Tumblr
The hard thing about depression is that no matter how long you spend thinking about it, feeling it, touching it, being hurt by it; you'll never understand it more than you did at the beginning.
There's this hurt lodged in my heart. I've said it before. I'm saying it again.
'Cause I can't hold on anymore.
I can't keep it away anymore.
The depression keeps winning and I don't know what to do.
Let's be bluntly honest here, I'm failing. Failing in school, failing in my relationships, failing to be responsible, to grow up, to learn that happiness comes from letting go of the notion that I know everything.
Depression has kept me from being honest.
I preach and preach about being honest, that being honest is healthy and well, and sometimes it is, but I've learned the best. I was so honest. Too honest. Sometimes honesty isn't good. I don't believe that even now, but I know that somewhere inside of me I do.
I keep hearing the same words over and over again. The same thing but in thousands of different words.
"You need to think about the future."
"I'm disappointed in you."
"You can't keep going like that."
"You can't keep going like this."
"You have to stop being so honest and selfish, and start being better and loving."
I can't be better. I'm not better. Depression doesn't "get better". Depression doesn't love, doesn't give me love, just takes, takes, takes.
Cripples me. Chains me. Chokes me.
I've never talked about how my depression was until I talked to Nina. I needed her to understand that she's not the only one, and that I understand and that it's okay, but she has to see there's something wrong. Only, I didn't realize I'm still there, too. Half of me still wants to be there. Wants to understand how long it's been going on. When it started. Why it started.
I can't explain it away. Not like I can with everything else.
So I hide it. Run from the feeling and pretend I'm A-okay.
It's been working so well. Everyone believes it.
Everyone but me.
I can't believe it myself. I thought I had so much, so much more. I thought I was better, stronger than this. Beautiful and eager to live. That the girl I strive to be, is only a breath away. I just had to get through this. That's wrong though.
That's a lie.
I hate being wrong and lying. I hate being the two things I hate the most.
"You wouldn't be who you are today if it weren't for what happened in your past." Then I try to cope with it, and eventually I forget because I've come to terms with it. I forget and then I look at myself and is this really all I am then? It's so unhealthy to think like this, and as much as I keep telling myself to be strong so I can be normal and happy, I can't just drop these unhealthy habits like cold turkey. Verbally tormenting yourself and emotionally damaging yourself becomes habitual, and trying to lie to myself by saying I'm greater than what I am is harder than just hurting myself.
I can't fight anymore. Life is just another distraction from the depression. It's only postponing the inevitable.
This feeling has to go somewhere. Even if that means it has to swallow me whole.