Be Yourself.

思春期の肖像
by 桐沢十三 @Pixiv

I think the hardest part for me... was realizing I could never be myself. There's always this detachment to what I'm doing, what I'm saying, and what I really want. I never really feel like I'm really here. I'm just too tired to even try.

Sometimes... Sometimes, I'll ask myself, "If I died, would it change anything?" And, like, I ask myself, repeatedly and almost like an obsession, but really, I'm not thinking about the answer to that. I don't really want an answer, but I force myself to think of reasons why I should stay. Why I need to be here, alive, and present. But it's just so hard.

I talk a lot about my depression lately.

I don't know whether it's healthy or not. I think it is. It should be.

The scariest thing about people who have depression, I think, isn't that they think about dying all the time or that they might do it. I think the scariest thing is that, they're excellent liars. You can meet someone who has suffered from depression for over ten years, and never be able to tell they're feeling the way that they are. It's like they're lying to your face all the time, without you knowing any better.

I need to get over it, and I need to work on breaking these habits. I need to make sure I'm doing it right. Doing everything honestly.

It just sucks that I can't be what I want to be. I can't be who I want to be. I'll never be able to be the person I am.

You just have to be the person people want you to be.

The person I'm supposed to be.

It's not okay to be me.

The truth is, the person I am inside truly is nothing. I'm long past my due. In the end, all I really want from life is to give me up, as I have given up on everything else. I'm nothing anymore, and I'm okay with that, I need that. I can't keep hurting myself by lying.
The worst thing in the world right now, is that even if I died, I wouldn't care if anyone else cared.


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