The Hardest.

The hardest memory I had was when I was just turning 12. When my depression was just starting to shake me.

I remember being so strong, so unbreakable, so young and old, and wise, and set on being that girl everyone loved. But suddenly, the goal of being that girl was hard, and painful, and it broke me. Still breaks me.

I know people thought I was weird as a child. I spent a lot of time trying not to think without even knowing it. I spent a lot of time finding words that would make me better, stronger, and happier. I wrote them all down. Every single word that would make me believe I'm better than this. I didn't have a problem. There was no problem.

Especially with me.

It's obvious it didn't do anything.

I remember my old house so clearly. I remember the demons in my room, in my mind, in my soul. I remember now the demon that haunted me in the corner of my room, hidden, black, and... terrifying.

I remember this stupid little book I adored and was too afraid to write in, but did anyway. The paper was blue, the cover a lighter blue with a glittery white moon in the center with a star shooting through it. The border of the papers were pretty and I adored it. The first page I wrote said something childish like:

I, Umi, promise to never think about killing myself.

There was a problem.

The sad thing is that I wrote that when I was in grade six. Just at the beginning. I was ten years old.

God, every time I start something now, it's something stupid and meaningless and... When I was seriously considering killing myself at 12, I found that stupid blue book and all my childish writing and my stupid vow to "not be emo."

And I didn't know what to do. I was lost and hopeless and hurting.

I was crying and flipping through the pages and making the blue paper wet and stained. Making patterns of the sea onto those words that were supposed to make me stronger, and try harder, and just, laugh and be happy. All those words swallowed by the sea.



That was the hardest memory.

The hardest part of my depression was realizing I could never be who I wanted to be. Then, and now.

Back then, I wanted to be beautiful, smart, and loved.

Now, no matter how ugly this sounds, I just want to disappear.

It's never going to happen.

海