I just want to be his best, best friend. Like, I want to just be his pet, like his puppy, and follow him around and watch him. I want him to be my zucchini just so I can crawl into his lap whenever I want, and just hold his pretty hands. I don't even care if he doesn't feel the same way, or even gets annoyed by me, I just really want to be with him. Except I know it'll never happen, because it's a squish and it's me, and he's just way out of my league.
So the truth is: I have a squish, and that pretty much means I'll act like I have a crush, but really, all I want is to be super best fucking friends with this guy. I don't know how I'm supposed to be seeing this. How I'm supposed to be approaching this, because it's nothing like the regular romance novels you read or see. It's complicated. So complicated that I don't even understand it.
I don't understand at all. Today, I briefly explained to 空 how I felt about him, and really, that's all there is to it. I really want to... I don't know. Today just seemed ridiculous. Yesterday even seemed ridiculous. The whole weekend seemed ridiculous. I know the whole thing, this whole fucking thing, is just a small part in my life. I'll get over it. I'll move on. I'll forget why I even felt this way about a complete stranger.
Except I kind of don't want to.
It's so selfish. So fucking selfish if I go ahead with this and make Rob realize I feel this way, or if I go out of my way to see him, or even if I go out of my way to go to Riku's or Luna's or Lola's parties just to see him. That's so fucking selfish, because I want to go because I appreciate my friends, because I want to have fun, because I want to have more life experiences. This is just supposed to be another life experience... and I'm just not ready to make it more than just a personal life experience. An emotional one that only the people I love and care about know right now.
I kind of don't want to get over it, and I kind of don't want to get on with it either.
I know if I told people about this, they would tell me to go for it, but they don't understand. I don't want to be his girlfriend, but I don't want to just be his close friend. I want to be his other half, and I want him to be my zucchini. I want to be able to hold his hand, and follow him around, and touch his hair, and all those little romantic gestures that wouldn't be romantic to me, just intimate. Maybe we would get around to kissing, maybe we would get around to falling into some kind of romantic scheme, but that's not what I want from him. It's complicated, but that's just how I am: I'm aromantic and I can't feel any other way.
Except, I'm also considerate, and I want to be a good person, and I'm pretty sure Rob isn't aromantic and he's normal and I need him to be that way. I need normality and responsibility and his loveliness, but I'm nothing like that and I wouldn't be able to be his other half. Not at all. More than hurting myself, I don't want to hurt him, and it's stupid of me to even care about him when I'm not even his friend, but I can't stop and I'll always be like this. I can't "go for it" because... I'm just too fucked up, and I don't want to bring him down. He would never feel the same way I do, and I wouldn't ever be able to feel the way he does (whether he felt anything or nothing at all).
I really don't want to let go of these feelings, they're my first, but I know I have to give up. I know I have to forget about this and I have to let them go and I need to be okay. I just don't know how to be okay, I just know how to be what I usually am: completely fucked up and empty and trying so hard to imitate feelings.
I've had depression, and because of that, I had re-learn all of the four basic emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, and love. I just don't know how to start to feel love again. I don't know if I'm even feeling things right, and no one could ever tell me that.
It's just such a waste of time for me to want this when I'm so fucking unstable. I know he wouldn't want that, who does?
I spent all of today trying to take those feelings out. These feelings that obviously tell me I want something completely out of my control. I would never be able to do those things that others have done before. Feel whole and complete and everything normally. I don't want Rob to solve that for me. I can't do that to him.
I don't want to be vague. I don't want to put this all in rhyme, and that's why I didn't replace his name, but it doesn't even matter. I'm over it, but it hurts so much, and I think I just need to be honest. I needed to write this down and let the world know, and let me remember, that I did what I had to, and even though I'm hurt and I'm probably going to hate myself for this, I just can't do this.
I'm sorry 空, for spacing out and forgetting you were there, but I just hurt so much. I had to separate myself from the place I was for a while. I needed to get away while I still could.
And you're right. I could still see him. I could still... but I can't. I can't because. I can't. He's not going to let me waste a day, or let me not wake up. He'll change me the longer I chase after this, and I can't let him do that. I should be the one to change myself.
There's no hope for me and him anyway. I'm nowhere near as pretty as Kelsey.