Unhappy

泣かない
by 40 @Pixiv

Have you ever felt like the only word to describe how you're feeling is unhappy?

Is that how you're feeling right now?

Yeah. I'm just... I wish this didn't come back. I just...hate myself so much.

Please forgive me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Let's be honest.
People know I love myself.

Why wouldn't I? I'm not a bad person.
I make it a life goal to be honest all the time.
I make it a priority to be considerate of others.
I make it a value to respect everyone and everything someone does.

I try so hard not to hurt anyone, I try to be open and honest and kind and put-together.
To be the calm, collected, and loving force of nature that people need in their lives.

I just know, though, that I'm nothing like that.

I don't know what I am.

People always tell me I know myself so well. I'm so sure of myself.
Except I'm not.
I'm really really not.

I say my name is Christina. I say I like the colour red, but I actually like all the colours, and they all deserve a place. I love all kinds of food, and I used to really love Japanese food, but I love my mom's cooking the most. I hate my own cooking.

I hate my name. I blame my name for how ugly I am. I blame my name for how people see me. I blame my name for making me normal and plain, and for making me unnoticed and neglected and and most of all, unloved and loveless.

I hate the colour red. It's always used, it's always seen, but it's never in the right place at the right time. Everyone deserves a chance, but everyone only notices red. Red is the colour of blood, the colour of alarm and emergencies, and the colour of fear and passion and love. I hate fearing anything and I don't have passion or love.

I try to love everything, and I try everything, and I used to love one thing a lot, but I loved something I couldn't have the most. I hate my own creations.

I hate myself.

I'm never happy, because I'm never happy with myself. I know myself so well, because I want to accept who I am. I want to be okay with myself.

And yet, I'm not. At all. I never was, and I don't think I ever will be.

Would you date someone with depression?

No, because you have to love the person for who they are now, not who they will be. You'll have to try really hard to help them get over what they're going through.

I wanted an honest opinion, and I got one.

I hate myself, and I'll always be alone, hating myself, and never finding hope.

That's just how it has to be. Why can't I accept that?

Because then what's the point in living?

海