The Edge of the World

砂浜
by masuo @Pixiv


I wanted to feel this way.

I wanted to feel calm and okay, even close to the ocean.

No more ledges, no more harsh edges, no more upset or crashing waves.

Just sea foam lapping at my feet, and the hot sand turned lukewarm from the ocean's cool. The waves caress and gentleness, easy and calm.

I wanted to find the place in my life where I had my words again. Where my life was emotions and drawings in the sand, semi-permanent, and my laugh and my love wasn't intangible.

And yet, I'm not.
And I feel like I'll never be.
And though I keep trying to hope,
And more than anything else in the whole world
I keep trying to be happy and free and breathe-easy,

I'm not.

The world is chaotic again.

Why can't I keep my words? Why can't I find a way to express the damage without having to hurt?
Without having to re-live the pain, why can't I pour it out with words?
Like I once did when I was young?

I wish I was something else.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish that things didn't have to be so incompetent and messed up and stupid.

I wish knowledge was easy to absorb, and picking up impalpable thoughts and emotions was possible and tasted like crushed velvet.

I just want to lie down for a moment.

Just for a moment.

So that when the sky gets dark, and the vision from the stars is blurred, I can sink.

Just drown into the heart of the ocean.

海