There are so many things I want to say. So many ways I want to convince myself. So many reasons to slander and slash my self. I want to bully myself off of this. Out of this. Except this feeling is like my depression.
But you want it.
But it's wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking about it.
But it hurts so much.
If I didn't think about it, it would hurt less.
But you'll be happier.
It would only makes things worse.
But you don't care.
But I want to.
But you want this, too.
But I want this, too.
Why is everything so fragile?
I just want love. I just want happiness. I just want to be different. I just want change.
But every time my demons stop me. It's like she's watching. Right over my shoulder. And every time I think I've lost her, she comes back.
I won't... It's just a trigger. I get... Triggered. Lola, I might be aromantic and a virgin for the rest of my life, because men trigger me. I trust them, I believe in them, I hope I'll find something right in my head while finding something right in them, but then I panic and I stop and I can feel the depression sink in. Just sink me down into the ocean where I can't swim, and I can't breathe, and no one is there to support me. I tried so many things. I tried to stop. I tried to forget. I tried to let it do whatever it wants while I do what I want, but it always tricks me. It always waits until I'm vulnerable and small and the little girl again. The one who wasn't allowed to be a child, who was scared of losing my mom, who was scared I was going to be left alone and broken and with no one to give me a second chance. I was scared I was going to die and never find anything. I don't know anything, Lola. I'm broken and small, and I can't breathe. I can't find anything.
I just wanted it to stop. To let me go. I didn't want Rob to fix me. I never said that. I wanted to fix myself before I could love Rob.
Why is it so hard though.
I just want to give up. I just want to forget.
I want to be stronger. I want to stop.
I'm not a child anymore.
I don't want to be a child anymore.
I don't want to be her anymore.
I want to be myself.
シズム by MaO @Pixiv