It's been years.

☆ by こたつ @Pixiv

It's been years since I last looked at myself and thought, "Oh, this is me."
It's weird. I feel awkward and beside myself.

I look at the mirror and I look at the pictures, and every time, I think, "Oh, wow, I look-"

?Prettier? Smarter?
More like the person I want to be?

I really can't tell.

I keep thinking maybe in a few years, things will be different.
Maybe in a few years, when I'm not living here, I'll find something better.
Maybe when I'm older, I'll find someone and something and everything will feel okay again.

But then I look at myself, and I think: "Where do I even begin to think I have a chance?"

It's hard having nothing.
Having nothing means you don't have responsibilities. Having nothing means you can do as you please, when you please. Having nothing means you don't have to feel anything.
And sooner or later, having nothing means you are nothing.

To anyone or anything, or even to yourself.

There is nothing.

And yes, maybe in a few years, I'll look back and think, "I can forget about that. That was nothing."

Maybe in a few years, my friends will be getting married, young and strong and lovely. I'll see my friends in wedding dresses and tuxes and we'll be happy enough. Contentment is the main goal.

I keep looking at the happier future, but I don't know how to get there.

How do I get there?
I don't know anything again.

海