That you never even knew you missed.

Sea of Japan by hisaya katagami @Flickr
Call Your Girlfriend - Barcelona (cover)
There's a lot I want to say.

It's been a while since I last posted, especially since no one even reads these blog posts anymore.

 It's strange how I feel so lonely saying that. Even though it's the truth.

 I just wanted to talk about how I feel empty and lonely, and sad and cold, but it's not because of the absence of romance in my life.
I don't think anyone understands, and it feels so useless and so wasteful to even try to explain it.

So I won't explain it. I'll just describe it.

It's so weird to think that Rob has made me missed something I never even knew existed. He's made me miss an emotion, a feeling, I never knew I could even feel.

 I'm in love with him, but I don't love him. I miss him, but I don't want him. And this sadness is so easily abated when I think about holding his hand, touching him, and feeling his warmth.

It's this loneliness that I had forgotten.

The loneliness that humans are wont to feel, and the physical touch of a warm body is what humans want.

 And it's so strange, because I love the touch of Rob. I fancy the thought of kissing him, and feeling his warm breath, the smell of another human being, the touch of a living thing. And yet, it's so hollow. Everything is so hollow when I think about being with him. When I think about... dating him, relying on him, hoping he'll be more than just a warm body.

 It's just so hollow.

 It's weird because I understand that as a child I fell in love with the thought of having someone replace the missing pieces. I obsessed over the thought of someone coming down and saving me from all the empty boxes and the train wreck of a life I walked into.

And now, it's just me and all I ask for is a warm body, because there's too much missing.

I realized how wrong I was about wanting to be friends with Rob. About how I wanted him to just notice me, in the smallest way possible.

 Because I met Evyn and he reminded me of someone so much infinitely closer, and farther away at the same time.

He was so accessible, and his hands were as lovely as Rob's. His personality as easily readable and easily reliable, and he was just right.

 But he wasn't.

 He wasn't Rob, but he was the warm body that I wanted. He wasn't older, he wasn't more mature, he was quiet, and lovely, and warm.

And that was all I ever asked for.

It's okay if I never get Rob, or Evyn, or anyone, really, because I just want to hold someone. I just want to know I exist through the warmth of someone else. I want to know that I'm here.

I once painted the ocean. When I finished, I signed the back. The comments from my peers were,

"I want to put a boat right in the middle of it."

But the sea doesn't stop existing when there are no more boats.

The sea continues to exist, continues to push, continues to destroy.

 And that's how I will live.
海