Old Friend.

= Let-ters = by モゲラッタ!! @Pixiv

I can't explain anything, because my mind is wandering. I'm trying to distract myself. I'm trying to make myself forget about this. It's not that important, if I forget it and I don't acknowledge it, it'll pass and I can move on.

I'm hoping it will.

If not, I'll re-visit this post later.

Tuesday, February 12

Old friend come back home
Even though you always were alone
You had to push against the fates
Just to make it
Make it through the gate

I think the biggest difference between us was that I always rode along the waves and you always pushed against them. You were always trying to part the waves, while I floated on behind you being pushed to all sorts of directions from your ripples.

I was okay with that. I liked it best like that.

But now we’re getting older
And we’re growing up
So now less action in the water
And we know enough
Stood upon the roof
Top on a night so clear
That the lights
From the city just disappeared

It's strange to me.

It's strange how suddenly I'm imagining myself standing on top of rooftops, and sometimes I'm jumping and sometimes I'm looking through a sniper's lens. I'm trying to imagine a memory where we're standing under the night sky together and we know so much more. We know enough and we don't make meaningless wishes on stars that don't shine, and we know our dreams depend on the lights beneath us.

I'm trying to, but it seems so distant now.

I know you
Don’t believe me
When I believe in you
I know it could get much easier
If you want it to

I used to depend on you so much.
There was no one I trusted more than you, and no one else I thought I could tell about how much I had burdened myself with. You never judged me, you never thought I was broken, you never questioned too much or too little. You understand me when I told you my stories, and I loved that.

But I don't think you ever truly believed me when I told you that.

I know you, and I know you don't believe in me as much as I believe in you. I know how easy it is to lose faith.

Old friend come to me
Everything I was, I used to be
I went north and I went east
Follow in the footsteps of
Some beautiful beast

I've run more circles than you have. Nothing is more accurate than the line "Everything I was, I used to be", because I remember myself being the sad, broken, ugly girl of twelve with the plague of depression. And I'm not that girl anymore, but I always feel like I'm so close to being her again.

You remember me being the happy, bright, well-controlled and cool-headed girl of thirteen. How I was able to change so much in a year, even I don't know. But what matters is that I'm not that girl anymore, and she feels infinitely more distant than the girl of twelve years old still wondering if dying would be better.

No matter what direction I run in, I always end up back here, thinking about who I was and why that was. I set off chasing after some destructive dream, and there's never anyone around to stop me.

"That was then, this is now." is how I started the year I turned twelve.

But that's not right, and I don't believe in that anymore. I've followed for too long, and I've lost my way.

I know you
Don’t believe me
When I believe in you
But I know it’s getting easier
Like it’s supposed to do

海