What's The Good in Being Good?

歩く by rhyth @Pixiv


I hate it when I change.

I hate how my thoughts aren't stable, and my feelings even less so.

I hate it when suddenly, the way I think has to be changed according to what I feel, and I hate it when I don't feel the way I think I should.

I hate how dis-harmonized I am.

I don't fit in with myself.

It breaks me when I realize I don't fit in anywhere, anymore.

This place is the only place I feel like I can sit in without being pushed out.
And that's no place to call my own.

I hate how I'm alone, but everyone tells me I'm not.

I can't talk to you. I can't see you. I don't know what to say, how to talk to you, what expression I'm meant to wear when I see you. I can't tell.

I'm unhappy about that.

I used to think, "If I'm going to die soon anyway, I might as well try to be good."
Not good at everything, but rather, good to people. Hold them at an arms length so they don't get hurt. Treat them with smiles and give as much as I could.
But that's not working anymore.

Why isn't that working anymore?

I want to be happy with that because I can't be happy any other way. There's nothing left in me. I'm nothing in this world and the best I can do is be good. So why am I unhappy with this? Why am I upset about this? I can't afford to be upset, no one wants me.

I don't want to try anymore.

Nothing good comes from being good.

I want to tell everyone who knows me that I am broken, but not because of this or that, but because of my past.
I want to tell everyone who knows me that I am unhappy, but not because of them, but because of me.
I want to tell everyone that there's nothing they can do to make me happier. There's nothing they can do to fix me. There's nothing I can do to keep them happy, or to keep them up. I'm just going to drag them down, and that will make me worse.

I am the sea. I am grand, and useless, and changing, and breaking. I am polluted, and unpolished, and salty, and sometimes bitter.
And there's nothing that will ever change about me, because I'm lost at sea, and there's no saving me.