the one I love

透命色く by つよ丸 @Pixiv


Sometimes I wonder if people really understand why I love fictional men so much.

It's not like I would like real men any less if I got to know them,
but sometimes you can know a man for months and
years,
and never learn a thing about him.

While sitting down for a whole day and watching a beautiful man
do what he does,
I can learn much more.

He can have his flaws, his imperfections, and I would still love him
because he makes up a life I can see,
I can hear,
and I can understand.
He's not a real man with his human complexities and nifty tricks.

He gives meaning to my life.

He may never speak with me.
He may never bless me with his touch.
He may never love me like real people can.

But that's all part of his charm.
He can never hurt me.


I know it may seem weird to a lot of people, how I love Ace so much, how I cry when I see him on screen, how I own a shirt capturing his last moments. He's dead in that world, I may never see him again. And yet.

He inspires me.
He keeps me thinking about him.
He keeps me believing I have a reason.
I think of him as a precious friend.

It's silly to some people. He wasn't a main character. He rarely had any episodes.
How can I know anything about him?
Because I understand. Because his last words were inspiring. Because I love Luffy, and I feel sorry for him, I feel sad just as he does.
And it's not true when I say he can't hurt me. He has hurt me. I have never cried over a character's death, never felt a pang of sadness when their name is passed, but he hurts me in those ways.

It's stupid, but I'll go out and I'll have fun with my friends.
I'll meet men who I'll look at twice and will think about, but at the end of the day
the truth is
I will always love Portgas D. Ace.
and the men I'm looking at
will always be compared to him.
They are just shadows of a much greater man.

It's stupid, but I love him and it's hard to love another when he still lives in my heart.
海