What's Wrong?

Melancholy Dreamく by TEMARI @Pixiv


It's weird knowing what's wrong.

Usually, I have no clue what's going on. I prefer not thinking about it.

The funny thing is, when I think about my responsibilities, I don't have to think about why I want to die.

When I think about why I want to die, I think about my responsibilities, and

I'm so angry that this is the never-ending cycle.

I'm so tired, but I'm forcing myself to stay awake.

I'm taking pills to concentrate on staying awake. I'm taking pills to go to sleep.

What am I supposed to be doing?

I love when you become so close with someone that you can see parts of each other in one another and you begin to say the same things and steal lines from one another and have a similar sense of humor and can exchange an inside joke with just a glance you don’t even have to talk because you have such a strong connection with them and you can sit in comfortable silence but also talk for hours it’s really hard to find that kind of compatibility

But then you start to drift apart without noticing it. You make new friends, you see the world, and you grow older, and you grow up. And then you realize your sentences aren't being completed by them but instead being dismissed by them. And you can never finish what you're saying because you're scared that you've both changed too much. That what you're about to say isn't what they want to hear. And those old jokes you used to share aren't funny anymore and your long talks all turn into arguments. That's what happens,

And finally,
You realize you're all alone, once again.
I remember so many times when I thought, "Everything I had to give up on, I gave it up."
And "Wasn't that enough?"
And "Forgive me for not being good enough. Forgive me for not having enough. Forgive me for not being strong enough."

And Finally,
"Forgive and Forget."
I used to live by those words.

Because what was I supposed to do? And it's so messed up because I can't.
I taught myself and then I re-taught myself, and it's so hard to just give that up.
To forget all that I've taught myself.

I had no one else to believe in.
I have no one else.
I just had myself.
And I didn't learn how to cope with that.

I didn't learn how to deal with it.

So how do I deal with this?

My head is full of thorns.
海