somebody needs to teach me

ぶくぶく by のみや @Pixiv


Some body needs to teach me how to make the right choices in life.

I used to rely on writing. I used to try to find another way to figure out or ignore my problems until they went away, but that just can't be done now.

I'm not home alone. I realize I live in a house full of people who are used to seeing me alive and well, and I can't take that away from them.

I need to find a way to make a choice that won't leave me crippled and sad and tired. That won't leave these people wanting to watch me and understand me, only to feel the same sad and tired and broken mentality I have now.

That won't make me feel lost.

I'm in the ocean. I'm always lost at sea, watching the fish and the stars as they blur past me.
Sometimes I'm drowning in the ocean. Sometimes I'm at home in the ocean.
It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

It's so much easier for the sky. Flying never stops being exhilarating. The sky might change, but the path will always be the same. While deep down in the ocean, I can't see anything. I lose sense of where up is and where down is, and I'll try to swim for air, but it's too far away.

The panic for freedom and air is too far away. Just like a far away dream.

How do I find the right path when I'm so lost to the world?

海