I'm scared of a lot of things.
I'm scared about how I'm going to continue forward. I'm scared that I'm going to be abandoned. I'm scared that I won't be able to live my life because the adults in my life are supposed to be important, but ultimately incompetent. I'm scared that the way my heart quivers and shakes will never be in joy and happiness again, but rather, in that shivery, panting, gasping sort of way when you're running from death.
I'm scared that I'll have to rely on someone who can abuse and manipulate and torment me. I'm scared of the way that I rely on myself to abuse, manipulate, and torment me.
I'm scared of my mother dying. I'm scared that I'll be happy and relieved when she dies. I'm scared of the way that I'm thinking these things and planning what I would do if she does dies. I'm scared that the way that I love her now will feel the same once she does die.
I'm scared of the way that my brother and my nephew yell at me. I'm scared of the way that when they yell at me, I think of my childhood and I cry. I'm scared that the only normalcy in my life are the constants: I'm always going to be a girl, and I'll always wish to be born as a boy, and right now I'm too scared to admit that to anyone because I just want to be comfortable.
I'm scared of the way every time I hope for things, I shoot myself down because I tell myself it's useless to hope. I'm scared I'll always be telling myself no. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be romantically in love with someone because things will always be this fucked up and I'll always be fucked up.
I'm scared that people will see me as a "girl" and not a "woman" and I'm scared that if they ever do, they'll only see my breasts and my vagina, and that when I look at myself, I wish I didn't have breasts and a vagina. I'm scared that... of the way that I don't wish I had a penis, but I also wish to not have breasts. I'm scared of my sexuality, and sex, and how I'll connect to people.
I'm scared of always being poor. I'm scared I'm always going to be poor, even when I go off on my own. I'm scared that there's no 'family' to return to. I'm scared that no one will ever see me as good enough, not even employers, and I'll be stuck without a job and no money and nothing. I'm scared to get married, to have kids, and to think of a future with normalcy because I have never seen any of those things work out perfectly around me. I'm scared of commitment, and when I think of commitment to another person, only fear of abandonment, of abuse, and bad things are called to mind. And that's scary, too.
I'm scared that I'm useless. I'm scared of being lonely. I'm scared of being human and having emotions. I'm scared of everything normal, and everything right now.
Also, I'm tired of being scared.
And when I'm done being tired and I've slept long enough to calm the fear for a while, I don't know what to do.
Because I'm scared, and I'm a coward, and I'm tired.
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