I just want to stop.

ぶくぶく by イチハラユウキ @Pixiv

Everything hurts and I wish I didn't feel anything at all.

I've been told that a million times and I've always been angry. I've always felt righteous indignation because I know what it's like to feel nothing at all. To feel overwhelmed and hurt and so... sucked into the hole in your chest with no air to breathe. I know, and trust me, that hurts and breaks something inside of you far deeper than what hurts you right now.

Except right now, I want to hurt myself. I want to break. I want to stop feeling and I want to break again.

It's always been so gross to hear myself say, "I like to hurt myself."
I don't mean I cut. I don't mean I like to whip or scratch myself. I like to emotionally damage and scar myself.

I hate thinking about when I was younger and smaller and in the biggest house I lived in.

I hate that.
But sometimes, when I'm tired and restless and feeling like nothing could get worse, I think about when I was little and things were even more fucked up.
I think about how there wasn't a point where things suddenly got fucked up. It's just always been fucked up.

I like to think that there aren't any victims in this situation.
Just people trying to live their every day lives alongside destructive people.

I used to think that's how life will always be, but when I watched other people and I realized that no. No, not everyone has to live with destructive people. That there are others like me, but they have others to make the best of what they have.

I don't have to be destroyed when I have others.
And that's what I've lived by.

Except, that doesn't help me. When I try really hard to imitate feelings, it works. But when I'm alone and swallowing my own pills, that's not true at all. It doesn't feel better.

My sister says she can find hope in the future.
I can't see it if I continue to do this. I can't continue to be messed up and shattered and expected to be well and happy and fine. Make decisions that aren't going to wreck me.

I can't. I need to find a way to make this painless and plan-less and only effecting me.
I need to be gone.

P.S. You could never understand because you've never broken into yourself to fuck yourself up.
海