I recently had a conversation with Lola about what I'm like when I stay over at other people's houses, and there was a lot that was revealed to me when I thought about it and when I said it out loud.
Firstly, the conversation started out with where I wanted to go after we grabbed dinner. I told Lola that I had work in the morning and it would be almost 9 by the time we finished, so Nina's place would be closer. Only, I had stayed at her place for a whole week already, and I had only been home for two days, so I decided to just go back to mine.
I told her, "I feel like I mind more than you or Nina do about me staying over all the time."
She said, "Yeah, you really do. You know I don't mind right?"
And I said, "Yeah, I know, and I like that, but there's also your parents. It's not just you at that house and I don't want to both your parents, and with Nina, it's like she has a boyfriend living with her, you know?"
And she agreed, but she also reassured me that her parents don't mind either.
The thing is, I used to not be like that at all. I used to stay over all the time at random places, couch hopping and all that. I would always go home the next day. It's not like I was running away from home or anything, I was just... so much more relieved when someone else was taking care of me. I felt safe when my friends were okay with me sleeping over, and I felt like I was being trusted. I used to never think about who else I was bothering.
But it's like, after I stopped going over to Sora's, I started to mind. I started to feel anxious and... uneasy when I stayed over too long. I didn't want to "over welcome my stay", and that was because I knew if I did, things wouldn't be the same.
I don't know why, but it felt like I had never truly realized how much of an effect Sora had on me, even though she was my best and closest friend for a long time. I never felt her presence with me so strongly until after I stopped seeing her alone, and only and always with her boyfriend.
And I find it so odd and jarring that my closest friend now is Nina, and she's helped me so much and I know I've helped her, but I've never received so much thanks in return for just being there for someone.
To add onto that, I feel like I've found another supporting foundation with Lola by my side, and I just. I don't know. I can't believe that I was able to find people like this who are able to help me so much.
I used to think I would never get better. I used to think that everything would end for me terribly because all the romance stories used to tell me that the only way I would get this much help is if I fell in love with someone. And when I realized I couldn't ever "fall in love" in the same way that they portrayed, I felt so alone and so scared and so fucking hopeless.
I felt like everything was suffocating me.
But it's so different now. It's so... it's not like I imagined it, but it's so much better than I could have imagined.
The last step, the last big step, is to move out.
To find my own ground and start over with good things and better things, and find new and happier responsibilities. I know I can do it now because I have so much love and care from all the right places.
I don't need vague notions of what a happier future is anymore, because I can reach it now.
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