Eternal Invidia

Tearing At The Seams.

2012-03-02T14:57:00.007-08:00

練習
by 竹中 @Pixiv

Obviously, there are parts of me that hate being sick. I hate not being able to do anything. Not being able to feel happy eating. Not being able to taste anything. Feeling too cold. Feeling too alone. Feeling like I'll burn from the inside out.

I haven't been sick in three and a half years.

There are parts I love about being sick. Actually having a reason not to go to school. Actually having a reason why I can't go on living like a normal person. Actually having a reason why I can't get out of bed, why I can't fix my hair, or my face, or me.

Being able to see how much people care about me.

You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

I'm alone.

I'm sick.

That was then. This is now.
Now look at me.

Throw your sticks and your stones,
Throw your bombs and your blows.

High school makes you into the person you used to hate.
海

Depression.

2012-01-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

where am i going?
by omori ひきこもり @Tumblr

The hard thing about depression is that no matter how long you spend thinking about it, feeling it, touching it, being hurt by it; you'll never understand it more than you did at the beginning.

There's this hurt lodged in my heart. I've said it before. I'm saying it again.

'Cause I can't hold on anymore.

I can't keep it away anymore.

The depression keeps winning and I don't know what to do.

Let's be bluntly honest here, I'm failing. Failing in school, failing in my relationships, failing to be responsible, to grow up, to learn that happiness comes from letting go of the notion that I know everything.

Depression has kept me from being honest.

I preach and preach about being honest, that being honest is healthy and well, and sometimes it is, but I've learned the best. I was so honest. Too honest. Sometimes honesty isn't good. I don't believe that even now, but I know that somewhere inside of me I do.

I keep hearing the same words over and over again. The same thing but in thousands of different words.

"You need to think about the future."

"I'm disappointed in you."

"You can't keep going like that."

"You can't keep going like this."

"You have to stop being so honest and selfish, and start being better and loving."

I can't be better. I'm not better. Depression doesn't "get better". Depression doesn't love, doesn't give me love, just takes, takes, takes.

Cripples me. Chains me. Chokes me.

I've never talked about how my depression was until I talked to Nina. I needed her to understand that she's not the only one, and that I understand and that it's okay, but she has to see there's something wrong. Only, I didn't realize I'm still there, too. Half of me still wants to be there. Wants to understand how long it's been going on. When it started. Why it started.

I can't explain it away. Not like I can with everything else.

So I hide it. Run from the feeling and pretend I'm A-okay.

It's been working so well. Everyone believes it.

Everyone but me.

I can't believe it myself. I thought I had so much, so much more. I thought I was better, stronger than this. Beautiful and eager to live. That the girl I strive to be, is only a breath away. I just had to get through this. That's wrong though.

That's a lie.

I hate being wrong and lying. I hate being the two things I hate the most.

"You wouldn't be who you are today if it weren't for what happened in your past." Then I try to cope with it, and eventually I forget because I've come to terms with it. I forget and then I look at myself and is this really all I am then? It's so unhealthy to think like this, and as much as I keep telling myself to be strong so I can be normal and happy, I can't just drop these unhealthy habits like cold turkey. Verbally tormenting yourself and emotionally damaging yourself becomes habitual, and trying to lie to myself by saying I'm greater than what I am is harder than just hurting myself.

I can't fight anymore. Life is just another distraction from the depression. It's only postponing the inevitable.

This feeling has to go somewhere. Even if that means it has to swallow me whole.

海

bull. shit.

2012-01-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

The sad moment when you realize how alone you actually are. That no one ever messages you on facebook first or texts you first or anything. So it gets to the point where you don't want to put in the effort with people who don't put in any effort for you so you end up spending your life at home, never going anywhere.

Is there too much you can't say...?
Or too much you can't admit to?

Bullshit. I call bullshit.

You think it's everyone else's fault. You point fingers and blame everyone else. You just keep running around in circles, chasing your own tail, thinking you're so cute, so precious, so ~~fucking~~ special.

Well, let me just tell you, words mean lots of things. They show how much you care, how much you listen, how much you think. When all you have are set phrases, trust me, no one will listen after the fiftieth time. If you think "Baby Baby Baby" is something I want to hear or see every time I open up, or names of genitalia is what I want to be called, then I'll walk to the nearest vandalized wall and write those words down and visit it all the time. Better yet, make it a thousand miles away and I'll walk there every time to talk to a wall. This is what you make people feel. You don't walk all the way over here to see me be me, you don't even meet me half-way to see me, you stay there and watch me walk there breaking my feet and tying my shoes to paint my face and let you laugh.

You have everything just fine.

But just fine just isn't good enough, now is it?

The truth isn't bullshit.

The truth is making the tide come in, and holding it around you, being able to breathe in and smell the ocean on your fingertips.

You are always so scared. You're always telling lies so you don't have to think. You are always running from the tide, so scared it'll swallow you whole.

Then you turn around, realize that you've made a mistake and chase it to the edge. But it's too late then.

This isn't a game of cat and mouse. Trust doesn't work like that. Love doesn't work like that. You can't keep changing your mind and pretending the last time didn't happen, doesn't exist, won't happen again. He's not going to wait for you forever. Then again, he's not going to be the only one. You act now, or you don't act at all, but even though I'm giving you an ultimatum, there really isn't a choice.

Don't be stupid. You can't keep playing like he's playing, you can't keep lying and then deciding to tell the truth, you can't keep expecting him to change, if you don't change first. If you don't break first and tell him first, and don't think about how the tide is wide and scary.

Just think about how the tide changes.

Change isn't full of bullshit.

You keep thinking that changing will kill you. You keep thinking that changing nothing will kill you. You keep thinking, and thinking, and thinking, but you can't even express yourself with words.

How about this: it's the same. Don't tell me I don't understand, because I do and you know it, too. Don't tell me I don't know what it's like to hurt myself, to degrade myself, to feel nothing but the cycles of the days being haunted by the ghost of our past and being unable to let it go. Being scared that once that's gone, there really is nothing. Fearing that you really are nothing. Because I felt it, too, and I still feel it, and I'm scared too. The world looks bleak and cold and crippling, and crying is the only way to bring colour and light. Sometimes you don't even understand why crying doesn't work, or why you're too tired to shed light. Why can't you just say it? Why can't you just ask for help? Why are you so scared? Why do you try, why do you keep crying for help when you ruin others? What's left of you?

Everything, all the questions and words and hurt all tied to your throat and your chest, cutting like barbed wire into the scars that are already splitting at the seams.

There's a point where fear and desperation and anger and hurt become the last layer of your heart, suppressed by expectation, responsibility, and the sugar-sweet. The only thing you can hold close are those fears and hurt and burdens.

My hand is open. Change doesn't mean happiness, no, but change means being able to breathe. To start breathing. Change means honesty, and clarity, and being able to have a better grasp on what happiness is.

Being able to admit out loud, with words, that you're scared and you are crying for help.

"So I call bullshit. The truth isn't bullshit. Change isn't bullshit.
Living is bullshit, but only if you bullshit."

海

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

2011-12-25T13:56:00.001-08:00

I don't celebrate Christmas, but you know, I haven't posted in a while. xD

So Yeah.

Happy Christmas. :D

Love is a Losing Game

2011-12-14T20:47:00.000-08:00

My favourite person right now. Beautiful, voice of an angel, and dream-like. Fantastical.

Just a fantasy.

I'm not sure what love is. I don't think I'll ever be sure.

I don't think I'm broken because of this.

I just think I'm ignorant. Small. Inconvenient.

But I'm too greedy, too selfish, too vain, too conceited, to share everything that makes me happy with someone else. Only because happiness is so rare for me now.

It's getting late. I should sleep. I should wake up tomorrow. I should fix myself up. I should head to school.

I should be normal.

I shouldn't be so broken.

海

Who Am I?

2011-11-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

剣豪の背中
by HY @Pixiv

I used to be sure about who I am, about who I was. Then times changed, I lost friends, got new ones, kept some, and moved on. I tried hard to become the girl I wanna be. I want to be.

Not who I am.

I don't know a single girl who's comfortable in her own skin. Who can confidently say that she loves everything about herself, and she wouldn't change for the world. Not unless she has someone to love her. Someone who is passionate about her.

I think most girls are waiting for that one man who will love her passionately. Love her more than anything else, be most passionate about her and equally passionate about many other things.

I, on the other hand, don't wait for anything.

You know, the most confident thing I can say about myself is that I don't want anything.

Sure, I steal. Yeah, I'm risking my freedom here to get something I don't truly want. Then again, I don't think about what that means. I don't look at myself and try to read myself like a book.

Yes, I read others like a book. I analyze and guess the text. I assume and connect the character. I can't do that with myself. There isn't enough substance. Enough background to make motivation and create an inspirational character.

To make something passionate for her to truly be passionate about.

I forget myself sometimes. All the time. I never look twice at myself.

There's this broken part of me that doesn't get heart heavy seeing others in love. There's this broken part of myself that's never satisfied with herself. There's this broken part about myself that has forgotten what it's like to be myself, and not the girl I want to be.

The broken part of me that confidently says, "I don't want anything out of life."
So I don't live a life.
So I don't know if I need a man to be my other half.
So I don't know if I need to be stronger and better right now so I can be stronger and better later on in life.

There's this piece of me that simply doesn't exist in everyone else.

I've waited for it to grow, and waited for it to... to maybe be replaced and make me "fixed", but it didn't grow and I don't think it can be replaced if it was never there.

I don't know what it is, but I know it's not there and I'll never be able to live as who I am or even become who I want to be.

海

Paradise

2011-11-08T15:17:00.000-08:00

21.だれもいない/「思い出」
by 兎魚蓮 @Pixiv

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she flied

And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

La la la La
La la la

So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
This could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.

There's no one else. - Memory

ONE PIECE (again)

2011-10-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

I know you guys are probably sick of me talking about One Piece...

BUT IT'S THE NEW ARC!!!
THE FILLERS ARE OVER

AND IT'S THE NEW ARC!!!

ADKALFJSKJDLS;AKDS;LAG;LADS;JGDFKJWISA

Ugh, fuck, so fucking excited.

海

“Why don’t you just leave, huh? Get the fuck out while you still can?”

2011-10-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

エピソードゼロ
by 海老原◉ ◒ ◉ @Pixiv

“Why do you give a fuck?”

“Because someone’s got to show you what it’s like to be loved!” Sledge was past the point of caring anymore, he ignored any warnings that Snafu would throw another punch and stepped right into his personal space. Both of his hands found their way to cup around the back of Snafu’s neck just under his ears, forcing him to look straight at Sledge as he spoke. “You’ve got to know what it feels like to know that there is at least one single person out there who’s not going to give up on you, no matter what, and for two fucking seconds can you please just believe that person could be me?” He swallowed hard, feeling as though he was beginning to panic but fighting back any worries in the face of finally, finally telling Snafu the truth. “If you don’t trust the rest of the guys back at Toccoa to not let you down - and they’ve never done anything to give you reason to believe that - then can you just … trust me instead.”

There are so many moments in my life I just wished for someone to say these things to me. So many moments when I was just at the edge, and I'm not even lying when I've considered all the million ways I could die and wishing one of them would happen.

Today, tomorrow, as soon as sleep finds me in the middle of the night.

I just wished someone was there to show me.

Because Snafu, the one pushing away Sledge, doesn't have a home to go back to now. His alcoholic dad kicked him out, his mom started a new family, and all he is are the leftovers of a mistake.

There are so many points in my life where I knew I was just a "mistake".

I was just the leftovers. I was being left behind.

“I’m done. I’m done with all of it, with - with people screwing me over, with everyone getting on with their lives without me, I’m just … I’m done with it.”

I wanted to run away, and stop being this sad part of my life. Stop being this one, tiny, fucking leftover part of myself.

I was just so tired.

But it's moments like these.
Parts of novels, parts of plays, parts of literature that reminds me that things can get better. That I'm not just the leftovers and I have hope.

That one day, I can trust someone that won't just leave me behind.

That will make me stop and think as quickly as I possibly can to find another reason why I need to live.

I still haven't felt everything yet. I'm learning through reading and watching, but it's not the same as experiencing it. And I still need to do that before I die. I still need to discover new things, feel new things, find ways to express myself intelligently.

I don't mind if people leave me behind now, but I trust them not to. I learned to trust.

I still need to learn.

海

So how are you?

2011-10-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

zns
by Hage @Pixiv

Everything that's holding me together is falling apart.

I'm thinking about my death again.

Suddenly I realized the only way to prevent my own death is to stop thinking about it.

But I'm not any better than I was three years ago, and I don't feel like I've changed at all.

I should've done something different before I wasted all this time.

I shouldn't have wasted all this time.

But I can't stop.

It'll stop when it wants.

I've got this thing I consider my only art.

2011-09-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

zns
by Hage @Pixiv

The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
Straight long enough you'll end up where you were.

I had another one of those "realizations" yesterday.

A year or so back, I posted about how I dreamed about arguing with my dad and the whole post was vague and lighthearted. Almost like I was doubting myself.

Like I knew, for sure, that I would never do that.

I would never yell at my dad. Never argue with him. Never say "I hate you".

Well, it happened and sometimes, in my dreams, I still have dreams about him coming ~~home~~ here, storming up here, and yelling at me. It would escalate and I would watch it all, like I wasn't actually there. Like I'm not there.

Because I wanted to be normal, you know?

~~Sometimes~~ ~~It's true~~

I don't know how to start.

When I hear about how people's parents fight. How they bicker. How their parents shout at each other, and how they wonder why their parents don't just divorce already.

I think:

"At least they married. At least you're this far in the game.
If you really hate it, talk to them about it.
They fight because they're trying."

Me
I didn't even get that far in the game.

I wanted to be normal. I act like I'm so normal. I pretend everything and anything just doesn't hurt me. I say I don't care, and I mean it, but goddamn it if I don't try to care.

Because as soon as I stop trying to care about anything, everything, and all of this, I become nothing.

And it might seem sometimes, that I have nothing. I was never the girl who got chosen to be the main role for the play. Never the girl who was rewarded for being smart. Being athletic. Being well-liked. Being hardworking. I was never anything.

I can't even be the main character in my own life.

Both Nina and Sora tell me I'm lucky. Lola says I'm cool.

But, really, I'm nothing.

My father has disowned me. The only part of my life that gave me a chance of happiness. Of becoming something. My only chance to be something. For once.

And now, it's gone for good. And I'm too scared to take it back.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the main or supporting lead in my story. I wanted to be the wise protagonist that saves everyone, and then is saved. I wanted to be strong and free and beautiful.

But the fact is. I'm still scared.

Because I know this whole charade is an act that will never become true. I know that this battle is never-ending and I can never win, or be right. I know that I can just as easily slip into this persona, and slip back out and be that scared little girl who wanted nothing else than to die.

If I keep running, straight along, I'll end up back where I was.
And that's the thing that terrifies me the most.

海

Again.

2011-09-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

巣立ち
by コーラ @Pixiv

Recently, I watched "It's Kind Of A Funny Story".

Generally, it's about a teen who admits himself into the hospital on the tense that he feels suicidal and is potentially a danger to himself. He stays for one night, meeting all of the weird/interesting people in the psych ward, and decides that this isn't the place for him. However, he must stay for at least five days before he's allowed to leave.

I keep thinking about the movie and how much hope it gives me.

I'm scared of going back to school. I feel like a failure when the first day hasn't even begun. I feel scared that I'll have to sit at a table of strangers again, or sit alone. Maybe I'll be like that girl in Mean Girls, sitting in a bathroom cubicle and eating lunch awkwardly. Maybe not eating lunch at all.

Then I think about how Craig feels the same way as me sometimes. To the point where I want to admit myself to the hospital, because I feel like everyone else just deals with their problems... and I can't. I feel like I can't, and then I feel pathetic, and then I feel small and broken and unable to do anything. I'm trapping myself with my fears, because they just keep building.

I keep building and breaking and getting nowhere. I wish I could get over this with more strength than I have now.

I don't want to be judged.

I want to be little again and failing math, but no one judges me because they try to understand and that's all that matters.

I think of the film, and Craig, and how terrified he was of his father's expectations and how he would fail in life if he didn't get into this amazingly good summer school.

I want to break past that, too.

I want to grow up.

海

Death and... ?

2011-08-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

左手に死を右手に「　」を
by いぬこ@ついった @Pixiv

That's the big question.

What comes after death?

Peace?
Heaven?
Hell?

Honestly, my beliefs are always changing. I don't know what comes after death. I don't know what comes after this.

Sometimes, it feels like a never-ending chase for freedom.
Sometimes, it feels like a never-ending reach for something, Anything.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

Let it all go. Forgive. Forget. Escape.

Really,
Who hasn't heard of this before?

海

I am a Robot.

2011-08-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

When I Get My Ears
by coca @Pixiv

Waiting to hear the ocean
or
Feel the train take me away.

It's been a while. Always. The things that hurt me most are the things of my past.

Things I haven't done in a long time. Things I haven't seen or felt or heard since then.

Sometimes, I wish I could re-arrange the order. Maybe if "this" happened first, and "that" happened after.

Maybe if I hadn't done that, and maybe if I had done that.

Maybe I wouldn't be so hurt now. So Jaded. So Cruel. So Caring. So Soft.

Because there lies the truth. ~~I regret what I am.~~

There's no way around that.

And I wish... There are so many moments where I wish I wasn't so scared.

Where I wish I was stronger, but not lose my bravery.

Because that's what I am now. I'm strong, but I'm a coward. This strength is useless. I feel the same emotions turn in me over and over again, and I can't keep it still.

I feel so restless, but all I want is peace.

Tonight, my dad wants to take me, my brother, and obviously Nina out to eat, but I don't want to go. I don't want to hear all the stupidity again. All the ignorance. All the arrogance and haughtiness from him.

Some random stranger's rule over a part of my life I'm meant to control makes me angry.

I've already decided not to go.

Instead, I'm going to look for a recipe or ask Nina to bring home food.

~~Fuck off.~~

海

Anything will do.

2011-07-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

When cold rain go through u body
by 涩江 @Pixiv

Not much has happened or changed.

I'm really obsessed with Tumblr. It seems to be the only thing I've been doing on the computer recently.

I see quotes on Tumblr that I can relate to way more than anything anyone has written here so far. To be honest, the one that surprised me the most was: "If you're not happy in the situation that you're in, then something has to change."

I've been thinking that my whole life, but how much longer can I keep fighting to change?

Change myself?
Change my family?
Change my friends?
Change the world?

Because what gives, in the end?

Really, at this point, anything will do. Anything changing will do.

I guess it's safe to say now, that Nina has officially started to live with me.

Sora's birthday party is coming up this week! So hectic! But it's nice to feel useful every once in a while.

海

Steal!

2011-07-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

Goals

Sexual orientation: Asexual. .___. Derp.
Do you smoke?: Nope.
Do you drink?: Only at parties.
Do you take drugs?: Only when I'm sick.
Age you get mistaken for: a little older than I am.
Have tattoos?: No.
Want any tattoos?: Uh, I think so. I would have to seriously consider it though.
Got any piercings?: One on each side.
Want any piercings?: Eight on the right.
Best friend: N/A - good answer, Nara.
Relationship status: Singles.
Biggest turn ons: depends.
Biggest turn offs: depends.
Favourite movie: don't have one of all time, but Penelope right now.
I’ll love you if: you do/buy me something I really wanted you to.
Someone you miss: no one...?
Most traumatic experience: I'd rather not talk about it.
A fact about your personality: honest.
What I hate most about myself: weight.
What I love most about myself: lips.
What I want to be when I get older: someone who is needed.
My relationship with my sibling(s): better.
My relationship with my parents: one of them is crossed, the other is entwined.
My idea of a perfect date: steady conversation.
My biggest pet peeves: (ew, Nara.) being too indecisive.
A description of the girl/boy I like: N/A
A description of the person I dislike the most: Annoying 4D personality
A reason I’ve lied to a friend: sex.
What I hate the most about school: Everything from waking up early. (will not change this answer, because I agree. Good answer Nara!)
What my last text message says: I don't know, Nara has my phone.
What words upset me the most: anything that comes out of my father's mouth.
What words make me the best about myself: what? That was horrible grammar. I don't get it.
A wish that I’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: To be better.
What I find attractive in boys: what I find. (wow, what about girls?)
Where I would like to live: Japan.
One of my insecurities: my appearance.
My childhood career choice: waitress.
My favorite ice cream: green tea.
Who I wish I could be: someone prettier.
Where I want to be right now: at WEM with my friends.
The last thing I ate: McDonald's cheese burger.
Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately: a guy with five o'clock shadow, buzz cut, and a strong jawline.
A random fact about anything: I like rainbow ice cream, too.

We are Blinded.

2011-07-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

提灯
by R&R @Pixiv

Sometimes, there are people who you wish wouldn't care for you.
Would forget about you.
Would move on.

But even if that one person forgets about you, there will always be someone else.

And sometimes, I don't understand, because I love all of these people. I love these people when I barely know them, and I love them because I see how human they are.

Sometimes, I think I'm crazy because I sometimes feel like I'm not human. I feel broken and separate from the people I know and love. I can't find the pattern in me that matches the pattern of humans.

And sometimes, I love these people so much, they don't even know how much I love them. And they feel like I wouldn't do the world to help them. And there's this part of me that wishes I didn't love them so much, because I know they're human, and they would never do the same for me.

Apparently, everyone has noticed this about me before I even noticed it.

I care about others and will help them before I help myself.

And maybe that's just sometimes, because I feel that I'm selfish. All the time, I see the world just for myself.

Put yourself first. Just yourself.

Sometimes, I lose track of that, because I don't want anything. I don't want anything, but for the people I love to be safe. I want them to be as happy as possible, as free as possible, and as honest as possible. That's all I want sometimes.

Sometimes it's hard. For me.
To let you go.
But it'll be okay in time, and I have to remember that crying doesn't change anything.

Change is what needs to happen. It's not something I want, it's something necessary.
And although I would like to just do whatever I want, I can't sometimes.
Like how I want to always be honest, but I can't.

That's just how it goes.

海

it's kind of silly.

2011-06-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

How I always want to be protected.

【腐】もっと!!冷静になれよ！！【海賊】
by らあき @Pixiv

Sometimes, I just want to be held.
Without having to be scared of what I would see.
Of what I would hear.
Of what I am.

I know it's dumb.

Dumb of me to be ignorant and pretend that I don't have a father.

I've been doing it since I was a child.

I haven't forgotten.

But whether it's smart or daft or ignorant or careless, I really don't care.

It's no longer a matter of whether he was here or not. It's no longer a matter of whether he cares or not.

He's not important to me. He is a stranger, being labeled as something one must respect and love. If I don't love or respect him, that is not for anyone to judge or criticize.

Whose right is it to tell me it's wrong to close my eyes and forget?
Whose right is it to tell me it's wrong to lie back and let someone else protect me?

Get out of my face. I don't need you.

Recently, there's a sort of secret I'm keeping with Nina. I'm not sure whether it's mine to tell everyone here or not. Nina may not want anyone to know right now. I'm not sure.

It's really kind of silly.

Even though it's no laughing matter.

海

Iron.

2011-06-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

Deep in the ocean, dead and cast away
Where innocence is burned, in flames
A million mile from home, I'm walking ahead
I'm frozen to the bones, I am...

クレナイ星
by 零.期末死期 @Pixiv

A soldier on my own, I don't know the way
I'm riding up the heights of shame
I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest
I'm ready for the fight, and fate

The sound of iron shocks is stuck in my head,
The thunder of the drums dictates
The rhythm of the falls, the number of dead's
The rising of the horns, ahead

From the dawn of time to the end of days
I will have to run, away
I want to feel the pain and the bitter taste
Of the blood on my lips, again

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands,
I'm frozen to the bones, I am
A million mile from home, I'm walking away
I can't remind your eyes, your face

海

It wouldn't change a thing.

2011-06-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

When did I become like this?

Oddly, I think if I knew the answer to this question, I could change. Something inside myself would shift and wake me up again.

But I know that's a lie I'm telling myself to feel better about this guilt.

Whatever I do, nothing is going to change the fact that I'm ugly.

That I'm a horrible person and I would rather ignore my problems than try to fix them.

Where do I stand?

Yesterday, I went to Pride. There were a lot of lesbians, a few hot gay men, and generally, a very sexual atmosphere? I didn't take pictures since nothing was really interesting, but it's crazy to see so many gay people. Technically, I was the only "straight" one who went to Pride out of our group of five. We talked a lot about relationships, sexuality, and I learned a lot about people and sexuality. It was a good day, but I felt so unfulfilled By the end of the day, I felt like I missed a big part of something.

Pride is, obviously, a very sexual event, despite all the children there. There are men walking around without shirts, women with no shirts, men in just their underwear or very short shorts, women with just bikini tops, and drag queens and their low cleavage.

One float had men in just underwear dancing to Born This Way by Lady Gaga, and another float had their men grinding.

After the parade, the whole place was jam-packed, and I felt kind of claustrophobic. Most of all, I felt even more of a minority.

I respect people who are proud to be gay. I respect that they know who they want to love, and have an idea of what they want.

At the entrance of Pride, there were lesbians, one with cat ears and the other with rainbow high-knee socks, making out. Up a few stairs, there was a man sitting in front of a monument with his boyfriend between his legs and making out.

I don't know whether this sounds rude or disrespectful, but it was weird. Not because both were of the same gender, but because I've never had that experience, and in a place packed with people who are looking for love... it's just weird.

Between going to Pride and Whyte, we sat down to eat somewhere along the way, and we got to the topic of family. We're all having family problems, and we all talked about it a little, but I didn't get into mine. Not because I don't feel comfortable telling people, I just didn't want to start. I've always had family drama, and really. Who wants to hear that I went to a foster home or that I've been disowned and poor since I was young? I would usually try to contribute, but after walking around seeing all these people in happy relationships, I just didn't feel up to it anymore. It was like a slap in the face, kind of, since I don't find that joy in being intimate with someone. I don't know what it's like to tell someone everything and know that they truly cared.

Hiding and ignoring my problems is what I do best. No one really cares about me because I play it all off. I'm strong enough to not look pitiful, but I'm not strong enough to stop hating the part of me that can be pitied.

To end on a more positive note:
Amaya went around hugging every person who had Free Hugs written somewhere on them. There were two guys with shirts that had Free Hugs on them, and there was a tanned blonde guy and a pale black haired guy. I couldn't help but stare at the black haired guy because he had blue eyes, and for the love of god, I couldn't tell if it was natural or not. I would have his babies if it was natural, even if he's gay goddamnit. I was going to ask, but that would have been awkward. :/

海

Pin-point.

2011-05-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

嫉妬する森の日没と相討ち
by 雨 @Pixiv

She has me right where she wants me.

I've been chasing her my whole life.

Every time I think I have her, it's someone else.

Every time I think I can be her, my face warps. Distorts. Becomes this ugly thing.

And suddenly, I feel like she's so close. She's right there, and the ending is right there.

I'm holding my breath, running for it, screaming for it, reaching out for it.

And suddenly, she's right there.

I have her.

And I close my eyes and she's right there.

I'm so scared. Scared of making her me. Scared of making her ugly. Just like me.

But I want to be her so bad. So fucking bad. For so fucking long.

So if I took her life, I could take her life.

I could be her.

But it's just not that simple.

No. It's not.

She has me right where she wants me. Above her, about to re-write her life with my name instead of hers.

And she's right below me, about to carve out my soul, and my heart, and scar me with her damned existence. About to write her name across my wrists.

And she still looks so beautiful.

She still looks like the girl I want to be.

Because that's who I want to be.

I want to be the girl who murders me.
Who kills this ugly monster.
Who takes the stake through her heart.

I want to be the one who changes myself.
Even if I have to kill myself.

Be mine.
海

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

2011-05-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm too scared to say this out loud.
So I'm just going to post about this.

Apparently, we're being evicted because of overdue rent. The rent was increased because somebody was working full-time in our household.

I might not have a home by tomorrow.

Apparently, my father has disowned me. I need to start saving up to go to college. To go to university. If I don't make it, at least I'll be able to get my brother in.

I need to start working harder for scholarships.

I was going to start this post by saying sorry.
I'm sorry I'm this ungrateful little brat, but nothing is enough anymore.
Nothing means anything.
Nothing matters anymore.
Success and failure don't matter anymore.

I just need people.
I just need to fight for you guys.

I had another "panic" attack again. After so long, I had another one.

It was more painful than the last one.

I kept thinking, repeating in my head over and over again,
"You're not breathing. You're not breathing."

And the girls that I left behind kept saying,
"I don't care. I don't care."

I fought so hard to keep breathing. I held my breath for maybe only a minute, but it felt like half an hour.

My head was clear and full of the sound of my harsh, quick, panicked breathing. Every time I tried to breath in deep and breath out slowly, the breath left me, and I struggled to take another one in.

I tried to calm myself. Tap, tap, tap. Calm down. Breathe. Calm down. Breathe. Tap, tap, tap.

But it wasn't going away.

When will it come back?

...I'm scared.
Oh, and I might not have a phone by the end of the month.
海

What is Beautiful?

2011-05-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

Taken by: Umi
Please do not steal, thanks.

Yesterday was tons of fun. I'm glad we had that break.

I'm glad I chose to spend it with Nina and Micho. Even though I was high on caffeine. ahahhaha

I'm glad for that.

I need another escape, but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.

I used to think pretty girls shouldn't cry. Nina's always being told she's pretty, and she really doesn't know how to be ugly.

Which is why I couldn't help her.

I used to not understand why people would call Micho cute. He's a young man, of course he can't be cute. He swears excessively and I even have a video that says he'll rape you.

Which is why he's adorable.

Yesterday really showed me that it doesn't matter if you're ugly, pretty, or a man. Everyone has their cute, innocent side that feels happiness as heavily as sadness.

I felt like, for a long time, that we've all gone numb. That there's nothing in this world worth living for anymore. We've all lost it along the way. We've lost feeling.

But that's not true.

Even if it's only fleeting moments, I feel. Anger. Sadness.

Love. Happiness.

I hate getting angry. I hate being excessively sad.

I don't know what it's like to love someone who isn't family, or even that. I don't know what it's like to be happy all the time.

But that doesn't matter. If you show every single part of you, honestly, to at least one person, that person will love you.

Will think you're beautiful.
Will honestly, truly, whole-heartedly accept you.

And I think honesty is the best thing,
And acceptance is the next.

海

The Absurdity becomes the Norm.

2011-05-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

廃墟
by ※Kome @Pixiv

Nothing means anything anymore.

You remind me of the time when I was almost happy.

You know my name, but you don't know me.

You walked away again. Farther than I ever walked from you.

Sometimes, I wish I could reach past everything and grab your hand and let you hurt me. It doesn't even matter if it's real.

Sometimes, I wish I could cut you down and leave you to die, but I created you. It doesn't even matter if I died.

Sometimes, I wish I could walk faster and fly farther, just to get past all of this and escape you. It doesn't even matter if it's all in vain or vengeance.

Just right now.

If I could have it all,
I would just want to let you know,
"I'm empty,
and alone."

It wouldn't even matter if you understood. As long as you heard me.
It wouldn't even matter if you tried to fix it. As long as you cared.
It wouldn't even matter if you loved me.

Because I understand. Because I hear you.

Because I try to fix it. Because I care.

Because I love you, like no one else in this world can love you.

We don't have to ever meet. We don't even have to kiss or hold hands.

We don't have to ever talk. We don't even have to know or understand everything.

We don't have to ever change. We don't even have to make-up for all this lost time.

Nothing surprises me anymore, just tell me. I won't judge you, you can tell me. There's no one else to tell, so trust me. Even if I don't agree, I'll try to understand, and I'll accept you no matter what.

The absurdity becomes the norm.

海

Journal entry ideas.

2011-05-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

That little phonebook/diary/calendar thingy I had as a child. It was like my iPod, but I liked that one so much more. Also, a narrative I wrote based on my year of suicide.

What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?

Recently: Blogger, Tumblr, Youtube, Pixiv, DeviantArt, and... Y!gal

Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

My Jason Todd figurine and my chibi Hatsune Miku figurine... Jason was from Nina, Miku was from my brother.

What music album would be used for a movie about your life?

I don't think there is one album, but I could be wrong.

List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.

Uh, bad habits: skipping school, eating fattening food, playing on the computer. Attempted to: motivate myself, eat less and cut off fat and skin, and find something else to do with my time.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?

I would change my weight and body type. If I changed my mind, I could always get fat again.

What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same?

Right now, it's really a jumble. If you were to honestly ask me if I believed in God, I would probably say no, since I don't follow his rules, but if you were ask me if I believed in the existence of God, I would probably say yes. They've changed. I used to believe in God when I believed everyone believed in God.

When was your last food craving, and what did you crave?

A mint candy, just now, and I just finished eating it.

Who was your first crush and what made them special?

Didn't have one. Unless you count Yamashita Shoon, because he was fucking hot when I was thirteen and he was sixteen. He's a Japanese idol though, so I don't count it because it was more of a fan girl thing than anything. If you count fan girl love, then can I just include Robin in there as well?

Name your most cherished childhood memory.

... Oddly enough, my suicide phase. It's the one I remember the most, so I guess that one. If we're talking about based on feelings, then when I first discovered the wonders of reading and books. Artemis Fowl can go down as one of my biggest fan girl crushes ever.

Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?

Well, from this blog, my very first entry did not have a date. Weirdly enough. The second entry was posted on May 21, 2010. Which is close enough to almost a year ago. I talked about Kellogg's cereal. :D My mom bought Kellogg's again recently, and I still havent' found spring. Oh and I plan more often now. xD

What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?

...Hm. Why I really moved out of my mom's house and what I went through while living with my dad. What other baggages I carry around with me. How I really feel about being a "relationship-virgin" or a "love-virgin" or something along those lines.

Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way?

A road of love and heartbreak. A road of forgotten nights, flashing strobe lights, and smell of sex-

Right.

A road of no responsibility and choices. I hope it takes me somewhere far, clean, and comforting and isn't anywhere near the outdoors or a garden. I would probably see happiness and that girl I talk about so often on here. Yeah, the girl in the ocean, and the girl on the other side.

Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it?

Touch a guy's cock. I haven't because there isn't a guy who has asked me yet. What has prevented me is 1) the guy's pants, 2) his "consent", and 3) the guy.

...I'm not joking.

LOL DID YOU BELIEVE ME?!
I'm just getting bored now. I've always wanted to date a bisexual/pansexual guy. Okay, so not always. Just recently. It's obvious as to why, but major reason is because I haven't met one yet.

Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be?

I haven't had one, can't write about it, but if I don't get it before I graduate, I'll give it out at a drunk party.

What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?

Hm... Honestly, I don't know. Nothing I regret doing now.

What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?

Rolling in the Deep. Nothing in particular, just that one line, "We could've had it all" kept repeating in my head over and over and over.

Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.

Hm. See and touch a guy's cock, fall in love at least once, write a life-changing novel, read a life-changing novel, and... feel like I don't have to be guilty about what I want to do with my life.

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?

Daniel Law. GL finding him.

Write about your greatest fear.

Going back to my suicide phase, because this time, I think I would actually do it.

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people.

Honesty.

Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds.

Suicide phase.

If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve?

Yes, my meaning in life.

Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about?

I don't have a best friend.

Describe a time you felt alone.

Last night and this morning.

Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it?

A penny, somewhere in front of my house.

What’s on your calendar for tomorrow?

School. Nothing else.

What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard?

This buzzing sound I can't replicate, nails on chalk, metal against metal and metal against glass, and water dripping.

Describe your first job.

Haven't had one yet.

What is the one thing you cannot live without?

My heart.

Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you.

"You are a beautiful, strong... (couldn't find the words to describe) girl."

Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not?

Yes, reminds me of horror movies and my suicide phase.

Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home.

Two weeks.

Write about a recent adventure or travels.

Went to Banff, ate yumz ice cream... got to refresh my mind about what Banff and the mountains there looks like.

Who did you idolize growing up?

No one.

Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date.

...No one. I don't think any one of them would be compatible with me.

Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning.

Wake up, open eyes, goes to washroom, brush teeth, rinse face, find clothes, fix hair, eat breakfast (even if I'm late).

What was the longest amount of time you have spent waiting on line for something? What
was it, and was it worth the wait?

Half an hour, for an amusement park ride.

Name one thing you have always been good at doing.

Reading? I don't know.

What is your favorite season, and why?

Don't have one. I hate changing weather. LOL

What was the title of the last book you read?

Oh god. You mean like, REAL PAPER book or ONLINE book? Real paper would probably be... Macbeth, if we're talking literally. It was for school. Willingly, Artemis Fowl, the one before the Atlantis Complex. Um, online would probably be Reflections of a Lonely Emo Cowboy: book 2.

List your biggest regrets.

-getting caught stealing
-hoping so hard to die that my mom and my brother were almost hurt
-not doing something for the danger just to feel alive

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, but I believe I've been haunted before.

Describe your note-taking style and habits.

Shortened sentences and only main points. Not really easy to understand, just written down for the hell of looking like I'm doing something.

Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be?

Yes, we just have to find the reason. That's the reason why we're here.

What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic?

I think of sparkles flying through the air. LOL

Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive?

No. I should probably add that as a regret.

What is your favorite cliché?

Don't have one. If I couldn't think of one in five seconds, I don't have one.

What are all your thoughts on god?

Nothing. I don't think about god unless I'm in religion class.

How do rainy days make you feel?

A mix of sadness and utter joy. I take that time to stop my time on the computer and think.

What is the most amount of money you have had at one time?

A thousand or so dollars. In cash, maybe two hundred.

Write a celebrity crush list.

Yamashita Shoon, Hongo Kanata, Jaejoong, Irie Jingi, Yanagi Kotaro, and Sakurada Dori.

What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced?

Movies, in that one moment when everything comes crashing into place.

Wait, no, when I almost died in that car crash.

What effect does music have on you?

Entertains me.

What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday?

I'm not sure? I don't think I learned anything today or yesterday.

What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time?

Blunt, honest, warm-hearted, trustworthy, and emotional.

Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone?

yeah, for some school project.

Democracy, communism, or socialism? Defend your choice.

None. I hate the government.

Does Never Never Land really exist?

...I Peter Pan Syndrome. If it exists, I want to go. Also, anything exists as long as you believe it does.

Where is a great place to get breakfast?

No idea. I don't usually go out for breakfast. I like making my own breakfast.

List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today.

This entry has been continued from yesterday, so today, right things: played great at flag football, didn't think my chem teacher was hot, wasn't bored to death in any of my classes and handed in my English assignment. Wrong: did horrible on chem quiz and assignment, weirded out my gr. 10 chem classmate (I don't know if that was wrong), got more mosquito bites.

Also, there's this really cool old guy who knows how to skateboard and do javelin. I've seen him twice while in my gym class. I bet he was super hot when he was younger.

What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled?

PLANE. NO SHIT. I've traveled by walking, driving, but PLANE beats them all. If I could fly to every single place, I would shoot the environment to shit, but it would be SO FUCKING COOL.

If you could tell the world just one thing, what would it be?

FUCK YOU ALL.

What were your best and worst subjects in school or college?

I'm still in school. Right now, everything. I hate school.

Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do.

No idea. I don't play truth or dare and take it seriously. I was dared to hit on the wall, like flirt (I tried actually hitting it. They didn't count it D:).

Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?

ALL OF THE ABOVE. JK. I hate strawberry. Chocolate and vanilla and cookies and creme, but not cookie dough.

What historical events happened the year you were born?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. THE GUY WHO WENT TO SPACE DIED ON MY BIRTHDAY. I don't even know WTF he did to be noted, but he died on my birthday. That's all I care.

Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail
as possible.

Uh. Nothing? I don't hold material things as important. If I was to grab one thing if there was a fire, it would be my book bag, because my wallet, phone, iPod, and stationary are in there.

Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery.

...THAT'S SO LONG AGO. HOW THE HELL WOULD I REMEMBER?!

What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet?

VEGETABLES. I don't know. I don't have a well-balanced diet. I eat whatever the hell is given.

Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it.

SKIP. I couldn't care less about Society. It's all one big POC.

If you had only one wish, what would you wish for?

Happiness. What else?

If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say?

DOUBLE QUESTION.

Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else).

Hm... I HAVE AN EIGHT INCH COCK. :D

Oh, and I want to touch a guy's cock.

Name a time when you broke a rule or law. Did you get caught, or did you get away with it?

RECENTLY. I stolez stuffz from Wal-Mart. I got away with it, but until this month is over, I'm not thinking of taking anything.

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

HELL NO.

Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing.

Enjoying life.

What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication?

OH DAMN. That is ONE hard question. Oh jeeze. Um, I don't think I have a favourite book. I pretty much loved all the books I read as a child, but I suck at following plot lines and going, "Oh this happened in this book." So if there ever is a book that I can go, "Yeah, that happened here." Then... you know.

Describe your first car.

Haven't had one, but the first car I remember being in was the black Volvo that I hated sitting in during the summer. My ass did not like the scorching leather.

Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary

Beautiful. Also, hilarious as hell when you're with a friend who is scared of them.

Rolling in the Deep

2011-05-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I don't know who the ACTUAL artist of this picture is, but it's from the comic (?) called The Ocean Breathes Salty.

To be honest, the song and the picture have nothing to do with each other. I'm not feeling anything special in particular, so... this blog doesn't have any meaning.

-twiddles thumbs-

Yeah, I just decided to blog because I'm bored. Of pretty much everything.

I like this blog, I do, but only when I have my feelings.
I like that we all started a blog to connect with each other. I'm glad about that.
I just wish I had a place where no one else is. Where I can talk all I want, and still have people read it, and appreciate my words.

Because I'm a boring person, and there's nothing really interesting about me.

I'm going to go play Sims 3 now.

BTW, I'm skipping school.

Who the fuck are you?

2011-05-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

ぬくもり
by wooga @Pixiv

Is he the one who you think will hold your hand
when things fuck up?

When you fuck up?

"I have trust issues."

Well, maybe I do, too.

Because I don't know a single other fucking person who appreciates honesty as much as I do.
Who hates lying more than I do.

I'm sorry, but did we talk about this?
Didn't we talk about this?
Oh wait, what didn't we talk about?
Oh, that's right. All the things I talk about with Nina, now.
Oh, right, what was it we talked about again?
Oh, fucking right, what lying is.

"Is not telling someone something considered lying?"

Yes.

"Why?"

Because the intention of a lie is to manipulate someone's thinking. When you don't tell the whole truth, you are lying because your intention is to manipulate this person to think what you want them to think. You're only giving the person as much information as needed to make them think what you want them to.

And, yes, just recently, I asked you,
"Do you think you can make-up for lying by telling the truth later?"
I thought I could forgive it all. I thought it wouldn't matter as long as you told the truth.

I guess it's different when you actually experience it.

Maybe, just maybe, you're justified. Were you lying to protect him? Was that it?
Lying so I wouldn't cut off all communication with him?
Lying so no one would say anything hurtful to him?
...Or maybe you were just lying to protect yourself?

You said, "Depends on how long they hold it up for."
And, "I don't think you can... because you lied in the first place."
And, "I don't think it makes you a bad person. Unless you hurt someone with your lie."

And, now I say:
You goddamn
Hypocrite.

I'm not sure how you can "make-up" or "correct" this "mistake".

I never thought you could, or would, fuck up this badly.
I never thought your stupidity could fuck this up so bad.

I'm sorry, but
Who the fuck are you?

Because I don't remember meeting you.
I don't remember how we met.
I don't remember your name.
I don't remember your face.

I just know

You spat some goddamn lies in my face
and I don't think I can trust you
as much as I did before I met you.

I just want you to know,

You used to be so honest.

海

Lie Counter?

2011-04-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

花片症
by 花えん @Pixiv

I asked:
"Do you think you can make-up for lying by telling the truth later?"

"Sometimes. It depends on the situation, like how severe the lie is."
Does it make me a bad person is I say yes? No matter what?

"Sometimes I think that certain situations call for lying. I lie to protect people, then when it's not such a bad situation anymore, I tell the truth. So no, I don't think it automatically makes you a bad person."

"That's hard... but it depends on how long you hold it up for."
Does it make me a bad person if I say yes? No matter what?

"I don't think you can make up for the lie... 'cause you lied in the first place."
But you told the truth in the end. I think it's okay as long as you're honest in the end. As long as you think it's not okay to lie. Does that make me a bad person?

"I don't think it makes you a bad person. Unless you hurt people with your lie."

Recently, I'm reading a BL manga that revolves around a boy who can see how many lies a person has told in their lives. Of course, because it's BL, he meets a boy who has a counter of zero and falls in love.

However, he judges every single person by the number beside their head.

I wondered if I would too.

But then I thought, "No, I wouldn't. Since I live by the philosophy that a lie or a mistake can always be corrected."

Meaning, can always be "made up for", but is that an immoral way of thinking?

According to those that I've asked, no, it's not.

I've been a horrible liar and I've been ruthlessly honest. I think I'm quite balanced.

I just have to find out where the line of lying has to stop and the truth has to come out.

海

Don't.

2011-04-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hurt Locker
by wooga @Pixiv

I just needed to get it out.

Everything. Anything. This. That. Her. Him.

I just had to say it.

I wanted to be honest again.

I wanted the time when honesty was a good thing again.

I wanted to burn everything down and run. Run away. Walk away.
I was never any good at running.

I believe in so much. Yet so little.
I'm learning everyday that I'm viewed as a bad person.
I'm learning everyday why no one talks to me.

Yet, I somehow feel that this is how everyone should be.
I don't care if this is the ugly side of me that's always showing, I'm always honest with the people I talk with.

I don't tell people they're pretty if they're not. I tell them they're funny, or cute, or nice, or rude, or compassionate, or a worry-wart, or a good person.

I believe people to be what they do. I believe people to be what they intend to do.
I intend to be honest before being kind or gentle, I intend to be caring before being funny or polite.

I believe things come and go. Especially people.
I also believe that parts of you come and go too.
I've had five cycles now. I believe a new one is starting soon.

And even though it seems like it's all about me. It has nothing to do with me.

I'm just saying I need to get it out. My intention is to get this person inside of me out. So I can be me again. So I can be honest again.

Yes, I'm always disappointed.
I always keep hoping that I've made you better. I've helped you. That along the way, somewhere along this fucktard of a road of fucking fucked up shit, I grabbed your hand and helped you escape and face your fears.
That I somehow helped you, whether intentionally or not.
I'm always disappointed because when it's truly put into test, you fail.
And that shows what I've done. What I've taught you. What I've done for you.
Nothing.

Apparently.

It's been put to the test. More times than you know.
How you've helped me.

How you've helped us.

How good of a friend you can be.
Because I consider you more than just my friend. I consider you my sister.
No matter how many times I walk away, no matter how many times I lash out at you,
I know I'll always be connected to you. I know I'll always find you.

No matter how much of a shit-eating bastard you are, I'll be right beside you to be "shit-eating bastard" 2.

Because you'll listen to me when I listen to you.

You're stupid. I'm not saying you're not.
You're rude. I don't think I even need to say that.
And you're unique. Which isn't always a good thing.

But even so. You're still my sister.
My little sister, considering how naive you still are.
You're still naive.
And as an older sister, I have to protect and teach you.
You need to learn.
More about yourself. More about him. More about love.

"Always put yourself first."

Just you.

But if you don't know anything about something (you don't know how it looks, feels, talks, etc.), how can you put it first?

Worry about yourself.
Isn't that your intention?

海

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?

2011-04-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

意思疎通不能
by プロフィールを是非 @Pixiv

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed, when the ocean met the sky.

You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.

When the earth folded in on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

How can I stop feeling guilty?

Today, Jem, the girl who I disliked in junior high and is now my "friend" in my new school, asked me: "What do you plan on doing after high school?"

She asked because I hadn't finished my English essay. I haven't even started.

I smiled and said, "I don't know. I'll decide when I get there."

She seemed shocked by my answer.

She asked, "Don't your parents want you to do anything? Like want you to become something?"

I said, "No, not really."

She said, "Well, that's kind of good then. You can decide on whatever you want."

I told her, "But I don't know what to decide on, so I'm just like whatever."

"But there's no pressure then. Your parents aren't pushing you to do something you don't like."

I stopped thinking about it. I knew I could've thought of a million and one things to say to her, but I stopped thinking.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.

The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.

Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

I don't care. Why do you make me pretend like I care?
I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you.
Stop talking to me.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Leave me alone.
海
I'm just an empty soul.

Achieve.

2011-04-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

Find The Inner Light
by *j-b0x @DA

Another day, another day I decided to waste away
and contemplate how everything has changed
and though we tried not to compromise
what burns inside your complex mind
that changes everyday

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know, at 22, what they wanted to do with their lives."

A month went by, a month that I can't describe,
A month I've been trying to push aside and forget in time.
And now we are inches away, but we're miles apart,
So I'll dream of the day and how we felt at the start.
But dreams don't come easy these days,
And the colors, they fade into grays.

"Some of the most interesting forty year olds I know, still don't know what to do with their lives."

The days go by. The weeks go by. The time flies. A year, two, three, and now ten.

What do I do to deserve better?

What do I do to stop feeling guilty? To stop feeling worried? To stop feeling so anxious? To stop breaking down like this?

I wanted control, but even when I have that, it gets so boring.
So tiring.
So demure.

I'm falling back into that black abyss of ennui. It's a spiral downward for a while now.

I have to get used to it. So it'll eat me alive for sure this time.

海

To Our Long Lost Sister & Friend

2011-04-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

脚
by sorethroat @Pixiv

You'd know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summery haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste

I wish nothing but the best for you, too.

~~Dear,~~ Hi ~~Hello~~

""Mina" now, is it?

I used to know you as Krizzy, but I guess things change. You change. I change. Dona changes.

Ona, Emma, Dona. By order of height.

I would say it's funny, but I guess it's not really.
We've found new friends. Some old, some new. We've all went our separate ways, and I've stayed with Dona.

I used to think we had so much in common. I used to think that because we had parents of the same nationalities that we could be close, that because we shared a language we could be close, but really, all that chained me to you and you to me, was Dona.

I'm sure Dona still sees you as the sweet, loving girl that we grew to knew all throughout junior high. All throughout elementary. All throughout our time together.

But I just want to let you know, that I grew to hate you in our last year together. I understand why. I'll never put it down.
Things will never be the same.

Which I have come to understand.

Once you said, "I'm sick of your whole hypocrite-thing."
I'll say it's funny now, because you were the one doing the most hypocrisy.
You always thought you were the best person out there, you know that?
Good grades, ~~higher grades~~. Pretty, ~~prettier~~. Popular, ~~envied~~.

You were the reason I named my blog "Eternal Invidia".

It pissed me off how much I psycho-analyzed you. How much I peeled you open, and noticed, and tried to help.

How much I cared.

And yet, you said you just wanted everything to be "casual".

You'll never fall in love like that you know? Just like your sister.

Dona didn't know you like I did.
I didn't talk about you like how she talked about her new friends.
I didn't talk about you at all, actually.

I remember I talked about black holes in the beginning of this blog.

You were kind of the black hole in my life then.

I'm sure you would know why.

Anyway, I'm glad you're happy know. Found something like love. Found someone who will stick around.

Congrats.

Someone Like You."

Every time I talk to you, it's like this.
Not much emotion, just slightly painful words.

I still care. You were a person I cared about, but I didn't know you in the end, and I don't know what to talk about other than who you were at the end.

The song really says it all.

I wish for nothing but the best for you.

海

If I wasn't me. If I was there. If I was this. If she were...

2011-03-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

rkgk
by 仮名 @Pixiv

If I wasn't here. If I wasn't this.

I'm always thinking about this. It's the same thought that flies through my mind all the time. The only thought I can't get enough of.

The only obsession I have that I just can't let go of.

No matter how much I ignore it. No matter how much I try to alter it. Change it. Fix it. Kill it.

It never changes.

If I was hot or smart...
If I was a princess locked in a castle or a peasant working like a slave...
If I could have anything I wanted or nothing at all...

"Which would be better?
To love and lose
or
to never have loved at all?"

I've thought about it before. Passingly, if I could be a boy, would I?
If I were born as a man, would my life be better?

Passingly. If I could be rich, would I?
If I were born into money, would I be any happier?

Passingly, if I could be beautiful and smart, would I?
If I were born beautiful and smart, would I feel like this?

It takes a long time for me to realize that it's okay to be me.
It's okay.

But just because it's okay, doesn't mean I like it.

I realized quite a while ago.

"Is this who you are, not who you want to be?"

Of all the perfect things Dan said to me, this is the one thing he missed.
Maybe I took that chance away from him.
Maybe he never actually noticed.
Maybe he didn't actually care.

I wonder, even now, if I was a guy and I talked to Dan in the same manner, would he have noticed? Would he have bothered to talk to me as long as he did? Would I have felt less caring towards him? Would I still have his e-mails and notes?

This is the one thought that confuses me the most. Not about Dan, but about what I could have become. What I have been completely different? Would I have liked myself better?

There's this whole other life I could have lived. Yet, I will never know anything about it. This confounds me.

I've tried so hard to leave my past behind me, but every time, I realized the new people I meet will want to know about my past. Then it follows me. Haunts me until I realize I'm nothing more but my past.

If that girl on the other side of this mirror were me...
Would she be happier?

If I were her reflection, would I be happier?

海

"You and I, we'll be young forever."

2011-03-24T20:32:00.000-07:00

DC: Kon wins this time
by *kitten-chan @DA

I knew you got me when you let your walls come down, down

Before you met me, I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's just talk all through the night
There's no need to rush
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

Teenage Dream - Katy Perry (Boyce Avenue piano acoustic cover)

To be honest, sometimes, I think young love is so sweet.

The flirting, the shyness, the play coy and playful chase.

The adventure of finding perfect love.

It's just, sometimes, I wish I didn't have such a sweet tooth. I want to eat at that love and rip it piece by piece, because young love is so easy to break.

Like that sweet candy piece you drop, and shatters.

It feels so real at one moment. So sweet. So good. What could take this away from you?

Apparently, everything and nothing.

I'm not saying I did this on purpose. I'm not saying I told you all those things on purpose.

I just made you see it.

And I know, I say I won't touch that. I say I won't, because then what's the point? How real is it then? Although, when I'm not involved, a dream gets caught up in the web between that state of sleep and consciousness. The realm of freedom and fantasy, and the realm of reality and restrictions.

And on either side is me and her. I think it's pretty obvious which side I'm on.

When I put a restriction on how involved I'm going to get, reality stops touching you.

When she has free roam over your thoughts and consciousness, fantasy chains you.

And I know I say it's the right thing for me to let you figure it out on your own. There are limits, however, to my patience. I care enough to be patient with this kind of thing. I guess it needs to grow, take a head of it's own before I judge. Although, usually, I nick and pick at the root right from the beginning, because you'll only end up in a world of trouble. I didn't touch this one though. Thought it would be interesting enough to let it begin to bloom before I cracked it open.

The colour was ugly though, and it grew in an odd shape, so it's obvious what I did then.

Although, what one man calls trash, another calls treasure. Or something like that.

It's obvious we weren't seeing the same thing.

It's ironic though. I'm supposed to be the one protecting you. She's supposed to be the one helping you. I'm the one supposed to be pressuring you. She's the one supposed to free you.

Although, just as easily, we slipped into reverse roles, and I ended up helping this "young love" take on it's own edge and direction and letting the bud open and show its colours. While she pressured it and protected it until it twisted and gnarled and became this ugly thing. Then, just as easily, we went back and I nipped it and she dug out the dirt.

We have so much in common.

You're not afraid to grow up. So I'll show you reality and its restrictions and its responsibilities. I'll follow you into that realm.

Your superhero will be the one to free you.
Not your fantasy or your reality.

海

I can't blog.

2011-03-19T18:48:00.001-07:00

There's nothing I want to say.

I'm just blogging because I know I haven't left this yet.

じゃまたね。

海

DRAGON AGE II

2011-03-09T19:59:00.000-08:00

Dragon Age 2
by *Gobeur @DA

OMFG.

Okay, can I just say that this is the WORST, WORST, WORST, WORST, sequel I have EVER played?

Which actually isn't saying much, since this is the only sequel game I have played.

But if you know me, or have gotten to know me recently, you have to know two VERY important things about me:

1) I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE DRAGON AGE. Be ~~motherfucking~~ sure that I made my Gary Stu the first time around, bitches. I was not letting that character die by ANY means. Even if I did fuck Zevran, and then Morrigan, so she could put that demon into her child. IT WAS ALL FOR THE SAKE OF GARY STU. (That wasn't his actual name, of course, but STFU. I got my point across.)

2) I'm also madly in love with Robin. Baby, he's fine with Superboy (1 or 2), or without. That, right there, is a whole ton of love from me already. I just feed my obsession lately with Young Justice.
ANYWAY.

So, as you all know (now or before), that I was fangirling my tight ass off of this thing for months, like a fat Twilight fangirl injected with her favourite dose of Jacob chocolate (kinky eyebrows raised high enough for you?). So when it FINALLY came out (both literally, and figuratively) I was almost shooting myself in the face for not pre-ordering it. Obviously, though, I didn't have the money or the time to be thinking about Dragon Age when school is still busting my ass, so I gave up on that little obsession.

So when my brother was all like, "Check if Dragon Age II is done." I was squealing (suppressed-ly, and quite painfully) and hopping in his seat, since I can only play it on his computer. The reviews did not lie.

-sigh- The initial incident, the gameplay, everything is exactly the same.

The worst part is that the characterization doesn't allow me to make Gary Stu again. So I got stuck with some fucktard fugly and his equally fugly sister as the mage. Total fucking BS. Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel after all those months of backstabbing motherfucking excitement.

Grrrr...

Anders was one of my FAVOURITE characters (right next to Zevran, you know you're my baby) in Dragon Age, but -sigh-, they changed his voice actor. Sucked the soul right out of him. On the other hand, he admittedly IS gay, and Karl just wasn't doing him right. I think I'll re-make my character and name him Nathaniel, just to please my MxM fantasy of that adorable pairing. Hawke is close enough to Howe. Or I can just name him Mike. LOL there is too much to fill in there, so for my regular readers, ignore that.

So overall, yes, this sequel is useless, should have just made a patch on the original. -sigh-

It really is a shame to E-town. BioWare, you have shamed this city, after you made it so proud. Tsk tsk tsk.

So I guess that's the end of my rant. I originally wanted to talk about how Vindictus' controls are even better than Dragon Age's, but that can be said in one sentence. So there you have it.

If you don't know what Vindictus is, JOIN IT AND HOLLER ME. I ONLY HAVE ONE FRIEND AND THAT IS MICHO. User is: Miromtic. I'm a Fiona, but I'll probably re-make into a Lann. Fiona's not my type.

Okay, I'm off.

海

Keep running, you're almost there.

2011-03-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

"You look like shit."

太陽の下とは思えない程
by ぎ@通販始めました @Pixiv

Sometimes, I wonder:

Is it worth it?

Actually, I think about that a lot.

I remember talking to 空 about how much we didn't like girls who wore make-up just for her guy. I said I respected girls who wore make-up to make herself feel good. Like a rejuvenation ritual in the morning.

I remember saying how I knew how. I knew how to put on make-up, but I don't know how to make myself feel good.

And it drags on like this. My thoughts circle until I'm thinking:

Maybe if I was dating. Maybe if I liked someone. Maybe if I fell in love.

I would feel it. I would feel like I had the strength to try harder.

But then I think about what Jerome and Yano said when I said "I've never liked anyone, never dated anyone, and never kissed anyone," and they said:

That's sad.

Is it?

I mean, it's not like I haven't questioned myself before. Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken? Am I... infected or something? I don't feel anything. Not for anyone.

Obviously, at some point, I questioned my sexuality. Maybe I was just gay? I just hadn't found the right girl. Then I thought of boobs and vagina, and Riku later on, and almost gagged. Obviously, I was not gay.

Then I thought I was starting to become normal. Fan girl-ing, squealing over boys, obsessing, all that good stuff. Just... when I compared that feeling to the feeling I understood associated with "dating" and "liking", it all just felt so empty. So hollow and shallow.

And Jerome asked me:

Don't you feel lonely?

I'm not sure if I was being honest or not, but I answered:

No, of course not. Why would I be?

I felt offended, but I also felt like, for once, someone saw a part of me no one seems to recognize.

Because when I think about it, when everyone thinks about it, love is painful. It hurts. There are so many emotions tied up and wrapped in this one-track minded feeling. How do we- you- humans, put up with this overload of emotions?

I correct myself, because I have never felt that way. You might not have felt this way. So generally: humans.

The thing is, though, that because we're all humans, we feel since we were born. These emotions rub against us like sandpaper, over and over and over, until we're all smooth, soft, and pliable beings, after all that rope burn and pain, we're finally beautiful. We just can't feel that sandpaper burn anymore. We can't feel the warmth of that burn.

And because we're all humans, we always feel lonely. It's a constant feeling. We might be in a crowded room, we might be amongst our friends, we might be talking with someone one-on-one. The loneliness is always there, like our guardian angel, looking over our shoulder and making sure we find ways to keep feeling, to keep living.

The problem here, with me, is that, this burn has long since died out. The sandpaper scratching at me, went a little too fast and left me bleeding instead of rounded and beautiful. If you have sandpapered wood before, you'll know that if you sand the wood, no matter how much, if you look closely enough, there are scratch marks. Most people are like this. Tiny scratches, but overall smooth, rounded, and desired. After all that pain, they can be wanted. I don't look like that.

And because I don't look like that, I've always been hurt by words I try to forget. I forget, or pretend to at least, and act strong. This is the image people see me as. I'm not confident, no, I'm just strong. Sturdy, functional, but I can't do much. When asked a question, I answer. Jerome asked me if I was lonely, in my image of strong and sturdy and, at the time obvious-common-sense logic, I said no. Why would I be? I have friends. We had booze. I have family. I'm content.

Of course though, even though that makes sense, and they are facts.
What's the truth?

And I'll admit, I'm scared to admit this. I'm shaking like I'm having a seizure, and I can't stop shivering.
Because I want to keep pretending to be strong. I want that pretend to become my reality.
This is not who I am. It's just who I want to be.

One time, while talking to a stranger, I said:

I hate myself. Everything I am right now.
Because everything I am right now is a lie.
I'm not who I really am.

He asked:
Why?
You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.
~~I like you.~~

I'm not who I want to be.
Who I really am, is nothing like who I want to be.

He said:
Then change who you are into who you want to be.

I've been trying all my life. I just keep killing myself.

It's so hard.

All up to this point, I've tried to become interested in make-up. I've tried to be artistic, because people say I can draw. I've tried to be musical. I've tried to be smart.

None of those things are me.

They're all part of who I want to be.
All part of a life I will never have.
All part of a life I have been wishing for since I was a little girl.

So I ask myself:

"Is it worth it?"

To give myself up. To give up all I've ever striven to be.
Just to fall all back down.

To become just that simple girl who is unmotivated, un-beautiful, nothing?
The one who is actually weak, and lonely, and forgets the past hurtful words,
because I am a coward.

Because I am "sad".

I don't care if people see me like this. I don't care if people see me as "sad", "lonely", or "strong" anymore.

I'm going to keep running, keep trying to be the girl I want to be. She's not me, but I want to at least say I tried.

Even if I'm always tired.
海

As long as you're pretty.

2011-02-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

脚
by ャャ @Pixiv

Sometimes, I think the biggest fucking lie is that:
It doesn't matter if you're pretty, it doesn't mean you'll be happy.
I hate people who make stories that all blurt out: "She's poor and sad, and abused and beaten, but she's an angel. She's beautiful." Yet, nothing makes sense in them.
The reason why people die through suicide, thorough abuse, through bullying is because they're ugly.
Whether they really are or not.
Whether it's everyone else who thinks someone is ugly, or if it's the person herself or himself that thinks s/he is ugly.
It really wouldn't matter, because no one else thought they were pretty enough to save.

And I keep thinking like that. In that same train of thought.
Because
in the world of fiction and fantasy, ugly people don't exist.
The bullied are beautiful. The abused are beautiful. The suicidal are gorgeous.
Their "saviours" are godly.
But what's the point then? Where's the touch of reality that's supposed to give people hope?

That girl that no one talks to, is just another outcast. She's lonely. She's dying inside. No one cares.
And if I just say that, I bet we'll all imagine a very gorgeous girl, because there is nothing wrong with her personality.
There is nothing wrong with her. People just don't like her.

When reality screams that she's overweight and wears too much light pink. Even when it's not such a flattering colour on her.
When reality screams in our faces that she's not a good person. Even when she has never said a word.
When reality screams to every goddamn person she bothers to talk to, that she's a weirdo. She's a freak. She's fucking ugly.

We're always hearing about girls falling in love, getting boyfriends, living life like it's nothing. Then we're supposed to hear about how "Oh, she doesn't have a dad/mom" and "Oh her mom/dad has cancer" or "Oh her grandma/grandpa is about to die". Well, yippee fucking yay, because congratulations, you've found a reason to live.

You're not being told that you're nothing. You're not being told to fuck off. You're not being told to die.
You're not telling yourself you should die.
You're saying you can do this.
You can get over it. You can live. You can be happy.
You can love. You can be free. You can.

While that girl, over there, sitting alone.
Says to herself, "It ends today. It should end. Please let it end."
Every single day.

Another plea to take the pain away. To take the ugly away. To take the life.

To save them.

When no one does, they have proof then.

"I am ugly.

Because no one saved me."

海

It isn't because I think I don't exist. It's that I know I exist.

2011-02-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

But it's like I didn't exist, before he came back into my life.

想ってるんだ、
by 兎魚蓮 @Pixiv
I'm thinking, even now.

What happened to the girl who slept right at ten o'clock?
What happened to the girl who did her homework every night?
What happened to the girl who showed up to school every day, like clockwork?

What happened to her sense of responsibility?
What happened to her vow of self-respect?
What happened to her obligation to prove everyone wrong?
To prove someone wrong?

I realize now, that I had always been an angry child growing up.
I wasn't very bright, or very smart, nor diligent in my schoolwork.
I'm still not sure how I passed most of elementary.
I just know I was angry.
All of the time.

Either that, or I was crying. I was ugly.

Lots of people told me when I was younger, "You'll be ugly if you cry, you should smile because you'll be prettier."

I smiled all the time. All of the time.

It didn't matter whether I was crying or smiling. No one loved me.

I thought, with all my willpower and strength, that one day, when I showed the one person who hurt me the most, what I became (responsible, strong, opinionated, smart) he would regret. He would see what he missed out on. He would love me and I would continue to be that responsible, strong, opinionated, and smart little girl.

But even after that year of showing him everything, the best of me, I don't see any of what I hoped for.

The mother who didn't care, and neglected me. The mother who I threw my anger at because she didn't make anything right. The mother who was too lazy to help me and trust me, and who I cannot trust and help now, says:

"School is your responsibility. You should be working hard to grow up and get a good job and help me live comfortably."

To that, I say:
"My brother can do that."

Because she didn't say that when I cared. She didn't do that when I needed her. Why do I have to return the favour?

She doesn't ever talk about how diligent, how responsible, how smart I was. She only ever talks about now. When I'm tired of trying to prove people wrong. When I'm tired and sick, and being asked to do the impossible.

When I've already abandoned these people who've abandoned me years ago.

I didn't exist until now.
Everything I've done up to now, is nothing.

I've started at zero again. Already.

海

Would you believe me?

2011-02-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

If I said I had forgotten this feeling?
If I said that the last two years are nothing compared to this?

It's not that I'm not glad to have been able to meet Luna, Riku, or anyone else. At the time, it was amazing. I was happy. So glad that I had new friends. New people to explore, study, and understand.

But there's the familiarity. The feeling of knowing some people, while others are complete strangers.

The same feeling I had in junior high.

Sure, some people might disagree with me.
Some might say that high school is the true "time of your life", but what's the point when I'm a stranger to everyone else?

I can know your name, but you might not know mine.

Constantly, that's the feeling I had. The heavy feeling of: I know you, but you don't know me.
I could name three hundred people from HA. I could probably name another sixty-fifty people from Joe's, but ultimately, at the end of the day, no one knows me. Not even my name.

And I know. That's selfish, why would I need people to know my name? It's not like I'm aiming to be popular, or run for school president like Mr. Batman. But I think it's common decency. I think knowing someone's name, after just the second meeting, puts that person - makes that person - feel like they're worth something to you. That you're interested in what they have to say, that you want to get to know their story, that they're not just another face in the crowd.

Sure, there are some things missing. Like, really, what is the sea without the sky? But there's something here. Something I haven't felt like I've been able to find in the last two years. Something big, and important, and necessary. Even though I can't say what it is right now.

I want to keep hoping it'll get better from here. I want to keep getting better.
I want to hope.
I want to wish.
I want to try.
Because even though I've always been told "No",
I need to start saying yes.

海

Does it help me?

2011-02-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

There's a certain point in life, where there's a thick, dark, line in between who you want to be, and who you are.

Today, I'm staring straight at it.

I can't look at myself.

Because who is that?

Who is this person?

Introduce me please, and let me spend more time with her.

Actually, just tell me. Because I know I've spent enough time with her. Yet, I don't know anything.

Because I can't fix her.

It's not another one of those stories, where the teenage girl gets pregnant. No.
It's not another one of those dramas, where the child is gay and the parents are saints.
It's not another one of those tales, where the princess is beautiful, and her parents are wretches.

I'm the kid who didn't take the drugs that night. I'm the kid who fucked everything up, on my own, with my own hands.

So I'm sorry.

I apologize to myself, because I'm a big, fat, disappointment. All my life. That's what it comes down to.

All of it.

All sixteen years. Down the drain. Because at this point, no one is looking at me. Not my dad. Not my friends. Not the teachers I'm supposed to remember for the rest of my life.

Fuck that.
My mom doesn't even know what to do with me.

I wish I had been the kid who took drugs. Who got pregnant. Who was gay.

I look at them and think they've got the life. Because at least they've found a meaning in their lives.

"Even though there's nothing wrong, it still feels like there's always something wrong."
"So, you've been told no all your life, so you just don't try anymore."

We're all fuck-ups. They just try to make us feel like we're good fuck-ups.

I'm tired. Tired of being who I am. Tired of living. Tired of being this fat disappointment. Who am I kidding?

As soon as I walked into that school, I kept thinking, over and over again:
Somebody shoot me.
Stab me in the heart and shoot me.
Slam a bat across my head.
Smash my head into the glass door.

I wish I had taken those pills.

海

Gays.

2011-01-24T17:53:00.000-08:00

I know I don't seem like it at all, but secretly, I'm a fag-hag.

くぼとき
by リオカ＠ﾋｳｨｯﾋﾋｰ @Pixiv

Really. For real. I'm not joking.

I personally think all gays are super interesting.

If you're gay, it automatically makes you super interesting. You've, like, found a way to bypass humanity and love and all things great.

It's, like, super awesome.

Not being sarcastic. At all.

So here's the story behind this post.

Today, I "hung out" with 空, ニナ, and アーン. We were supposed to be studying, but I didn't learn anything past what I already know. I'll probably pass Math 20 with a low mark, which makes me depressed.

Anyway, later on, when we went back to SG and I was getting picked up by my mom, she asked me to get Starbucks. I went in, and saw a crowd of teenagers, like myself, around the counter and I felt automatically frightened. It's like a gag reflex on a teen. Approaching a group of unknown individuals makes any teen feel threatened, but I was thinking, "I just have to order, I just have to order."

So I did...

But the guy at the counter, was like, totally not trying to be rude here, but he was one of those... more "outgoing" gays.

Oh, goddamnit, let's just be blunt.

He was flaming, flamboyant, and every pore on his pretty little fairy face screamed homosexual.
Like, no way was he metro. He was gay. Fullstop.

So the conversation I imagined was like how it usually is:

"Hi, what can I get you?" Or some variation of that.
"Hi, can I get a venti green tea latte?"
"Sure, that'll be $4.88."
[Hands over five dollar bill]
"And your change is $0.12. Have a nice day."[hands change]
[/convo]

But he's talkative, like any stereotypical gay guy. So instead it went something like:

[me approaching slowly because of the unknown crowd and instant teen-gag-reflex]
His friend: "I'll let you get back to work."
Him: "Yeah, you should." [turns to me] "Hi, what can I get for you?"
Me[autopilot]: "Hi, can I get a venti green tea latte?"
"Sure! Great choice! It's so good."
[smiling awkwardly and thinking: that doesn't usually happen, what do I say? What am I supposed to say?]
"That'll be $4.88."
[Hands over five dollar bill]
"You have no idea how much that happens."
[still smiling awkwardly, and still thinking: What am I supposed to say?]
"Your change comes to $0.12. Have a nice day!" [hands change] "Oh! I love your nails. They're different colours, that's so cute!"
[uh, obviously, what do I do? Yeah, smile awkwardly, but what's this?!] "Thanks."

... Well, that was different.

No shit.

I probably came off as homophobic or something, but he was definitely interesting.
The best part was that he had these dangling, black giraffe earrings. LOL

I'm such an awkward person. I swear, if a guy was to ever hit on me, I'd recoil and hide into my shell faster than my gag reflex to a group of unknown teens.

Or well, if a gay guy talks to me again any time soon.
~~Michou, you don't count. You're the straightest gay I've ever read/heard/met. At least you still have a lisp.~~海

Redux.

2011-01-20T07:01:00.000-08:00

ENDLESS
by ジョージ @Pixiv

The lowest point in life is when you wish you were somebody else.
long post ahead.
Because that's the point where you think: "My life is the worst" without having to say, "I want to kill myself" out loud.
Because that's the point where you're so desperate to find something. When you feel the most lost.

And constantly,

I feel this way.

Today, well literally, today it's the last day to write all your tests, hand in all your coursework, and be done with this semester. A... little piece of high school, behind you.

And today, right now, it's 8:08 a.m., and I'm supposed to be on my way to finish this piece of high school.

But I'm not.

I realized last night, in my insomnia, that being like this at this age (read: teenager) is all about the angst. All about how we talk and talk and talk, and don't do any shit. We vent and ignore our problems. So what's the bigger problem? What's the problem with all of us?

For a lot of us, we're like warriors from centuries ago.

What's a warrior without a war?
What's a warrior without a sword?
What's a warrior without a sword and without a war to fight?
Nothing.

Because I realize how much bullshit they (read: teachers and general society) teach us. Like in social, they think showing us dying people and mass murders is going to help us realize we want to save people. Like in math, they think showing us great numbers and sometimes absolute nonsense is going to help us get through life. Like in English, they think making us read about a dead man's fake story (read: Shakespeare) will enlighten us on our ways of life, and maybe spur us to create our own masterpiece genius' to help us change the world with our concept of life. And finally, like in science, they think making us understand how the world works from a bug's perspective will make us understand:
why we're here. Why we were born. Why we exist.

And for some, yes, they find meaning and everything good and wholesome in these things.

For many of us, we don't.

I remember at one point, I was sure. I knew what I had been made for.
I wanted to become a writer.
Create worlds with my words, and slap life concepts at people's faces with the gum stuck on the bottom of my shoe.
But as I grew older, I lost that passion. I lost that fascination. I lost meaning.

I wanted to become somebody else.

And like a bitter old woman who lost her family and ended up alone:
Like a warrior without a war or a sword:
I felt lost, like something was missing.

The irony of that statement is that, I have family.
A mother, a father, a brother.
More family would include: two sisters, a niece and a nephew, a half-brother.
Familial ties not related by blood: Sora, Nina, at one point, two mothers, a grandmother, and a few brothers.

I have the tools.
A pen and paper is all I need.

But there's this gaping hole in my life.
And no matter how much I try to fill in that hole with what I did before, that empty space becomes bigger and bigger as I get older.
My life is my work. Without a life, I can't create masterpieces, can't create a soul on paper.

I don't know how to make friends. I don't know what it's like to be in a club. To knit. To start conversations.
To fall in love.
To be reckless.
To have money all the time.
To be loved.

I'm a big, empty space.

So I want to be somebody else. To find all these meanings. To find the true definition of what being loved and to love is like. To find everything and anything to fill me in.
Then write about it. Write about these souls. These emotions that make people alive.

Because really, I'm not really living.

And talking about how I'm not living (because I don't have dreams or talents, or aspirations, or even an ink of an idea of what I want to do with my life and how I feel certain I'm going to end up being nothing) isn't worth hearing, because it's not a problem I can fix, just like that.

That's just called angst.
And no one likes to read about angst, even if I know the definition of that word.

Except on my blog. That's what it's made for.
海

It's times like these.

2011-01-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

バッドエンド（着色）
by Miyu @Pixiv

When I'm all alone. When I can't be anything else.

And I'll say it again. I care for you.

I worry for you.

And you can fuck me for wanting to know about your life.
Because I wish I could do the same to you.

It's kind of silly.
I've never hated you enough.
If me still talking to you has anything to do with it.

And yeah, sometimes, I disapprove.
But that's only because I know I'll never have.

"Well, it's sort of like, whats more painful? Never having, or having and losing?"
"Well, yeah, but I wouldn't know which to choose. I've never had the option of choosing and losing."
"Exactly. In my opinion, having and losing is the most painful."
"Because you've been there and done that, but I've never had. I have nothing to compare to, so it's not a question anymore."

In a way, I see what you're doing. Because I've tried that.

Hiding.
Because it seems so much easier. Admitting you're a coward and playing it that way. Trying to make the world stop so you can "think", but you don't know where to start. You like so many things, but not enough to love it, and when you think you love something, the spark wets and dies. In the constant chase for passion, you just want to take a break, make the world stop spinning for just a few more moments.

And sometimes, it's unbelievable that we have to make decisions that people expect us to live through with. Like getting married and where to live. It's like they're asking us everyday, "What do you want to do with your life?" And you have to choose now, today, and everyday you put off answering is another day wasted.

But all I can do is smile at you. While you cut down everyone and hope you can find something. Find something you love.

And you can cut me down, too. No matter how much it hurts me, because I know I want you to be happy. Even though I've grown used to hearing everything and anything about you, I know sometimes you wish I would tell you the same. I know sometimes you think I'm not as open as you are with me. And it's true, I don't doubt you, but I don't care any less about you. I don't trust you any less than I do today. Or tomorrow. Or probably ten years down the road, when you might be marrying or having a kid with a better Mr. Kuma.

I keep secrets, like you do. Some things, I will never tell anyone else other than someone I can live my life with. A man who is my other half. A man who's connected to me by the red thread of fate. A man who aligns the stars in the skies and helps the moon pull the waves.

Like you will.

But we're hanging now, in mid-air, and yeah, we can't swing over and hold each other while we fall or fly. And we won't be able to help each other when and if one of us falls, while the other flies.

And that's reality.

But you can hold the gun to me, and shoot me out of your life, run away, and I'd smile and laugh at your antics. Wishing you freedom and happiness.

So you don't have to hide. So you don't have to run. And I hope you worry and care about me as much as I do for you, because I wish you would stop.

Find another way to tell me everything. To express yourself.

海

Lived.

2011-01-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

I've lived a life that's full
by から @Pixiv

I think I've played my part.

It's probably not surprising that the second round of Dragon Age is no fun anymore.
I mean, I loved DA the first time. Even the second half of the first part was AMAZING. I still remember how obsessed I was. How I wanted to help these people. How I wanted to be a good "Ferelden" and save the lives of all these people I don't know. Like WTF. I was an elf, whose race was treated like shit by the humans. Yet, I still saved them. Still became their hero.

But, I don't know. Maybe I'm just waiting for Dragon Age 2. I need a job. I need a better graphic card. Fuck.

And have I gone past the mark of 3,000 on how many times I've said, "I hate school"? I'm pretty sure I have because I fucking hate school. I want to drop out. Go back to school when I feel like I can do something with a high school... diploma or whatever shit.
Right now, I feel like I can't do anything. With or without a diploma. I need a life.

And yet, at the same time, I feel like I've lived it. I've lived my life and now I just want to be someone else.

And it's not as messed as it sounds.

Right?

I've lived my life.
Maybe it's not full, but it has been lived.

~~And that's all I could ever ask for.~~ 海

Like you. Like me.

2011-01-01T00:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you deserve it.
Sometimes, you ask for it.

Kill me for worrying.

てくてく
by ビアフラ @Pixiv

I'm sorry I care.
But no, you see, I'm not sorry for being this way.

I'm sorry that I show how I care

By being there for you.
By listening to you talk endlessly about meaningless things.
By listening when it means something.

By saying all the things you want to hear.

But most of all,
I'm sorry that's not enough for you.
And I'm sorry that you always disappoint me.
And I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to show you the right way to care for you.

I'm sorry, for trying to be important to you, like you were to me.

But I see that you've moved on.

"Just. Do what you want to do."
"But what if. What I want to do is wrong?"
"But it's what you want to do. How can it be wrong?"
"But isn't there a difference? Between should and want."
"Yeah, but there's an even bigger difference between being unhappy and happy."

てくてく?
by ビアフラ @Pixiv

And I'm sorry that I stopped you.
I'm sorry that all I've thought to teach you wasn't enough.
That you didn't understand me when I told you,
"You have to think about it. Clearly, but with your feelings."

I'm sorry that I couldn't teach you how to express yourself. I thought you always knew how.
Because you were bolder than me. Emotional. Sentimental.
You just had to think about how to express yourself.

Like me, you're a coward.
Like you, I'm a disappointment.

I made you into what you are.
You made me too tired to keep up.

I'm sorry.
I should have tried harder... waited longer.

海

Live in the moment.

2010-12-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

"What would be your perfect guy?"
"What is your type?"

Someone serious.

But now I realize, I need someone who can make me stop thinking.
Make me stop feeling like I'm clamming up, like I'm the awkward and weird psychopath.
Someone who can make me stop feeling
like I'm disconnected.

Like there are lenses between me and my life.
To make me stop feeling like all I'm doing is documenting my life.
To make me start living it.

And I say:

I know myself. I'm not lost.

When really, I'm only looking at the reflection of my true self. Not living as her.

表と裏
by Tomiko @Pixiv
And the truth is: sometimes... most times, I find myself saying ugly things to myself. Looking at myself and being the angry, ugly child, that I grew up to know myself as.

The pain is so normal. I know just exactly what words to hurt myself with.
Because I can't break down this wall. This laminated cold surface.
Separating me from the sea and reaching her.

And every time some hopeless romantic asks me about love. Asks me about what kind of man I want. What kind of man I would love.

I change my answer every time, because every time I look through the mirror...
I see something different.

And if there is a man out there that can break this barrier holding me cold. Stopping me short.
And get the best of me.

Make me real. Make me her.

Maybe I could feel complete and safe.
And this pain wouldn't feel so normal.

海

Grenade.

2010-12-19T01:32:00.000-08:00

"You're supposed to get over it. not forget it. You don't learn anything that way."

最初の一
by GUNROCK @Pixiv

I’d catch a grenade for ya.
Throw my hand on a blade for ya.
I’d jump in front of a train for ya.
You know I'd do anything for ya.
I would go through all this pain. Take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes, I would die for ya baby

&

&

&

&

"Ignorance is bliss."

最初の一
by モゲラッタ!!@ついったー @Pixiv

But forgetting the pain, the love, the feelings you once had~~The ones you probably still have.~~ doesn't change anything.

Instead, it not only makes you a cold, selfish, and empty person, but an unwise one. An immature one. A being incapable of understanding.
~~And that is what you've become.~~
And you can deny it all you want. Deny the truth, deny what you know is "right" and "good",
Deny yourself. Deny what you make of yourself. Deny that it is you that you are only concerned about.

That you are a selfish monstrosity. An abomination. A seeping black hole with more than a few bites out of the stars around you.

And even if you admit that, you can find all the excuses to fill in the void of why...
You can't change.
~~You can change others as selfishly as you want, but you can't change yourself.~~

&

&

&

&

You can do this, you know? You can tie everything up with a cute little pink bow.

Dab on a few polka dots.

Clean it all out with white. Add in a few splashes of colour.

But it's getting old.

You can't stay the same colour for your whole life.

Even children snap their favourite crayon colours. You should know to do the same.

Or learn it.

海

Just like everybody else.

2010-12-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

It's not that hard to be lonely. To feel lonely.
The number one emotion humans turn to first is loneliness.

And that's why we're always striving to find love.
Whether it's to love or be loved.
Whether it's to be cared for or to care.
Whether it's about to fuck ourselves or fuck others.

We always try to feel something.
Anything.
Other than that undeniable void.

You know how some people describe themselves as a big, sucking, fucking black holes that just eat everything and anything.
Then they actually realize that they're just being selfish.

Or a douchebag. Or an enema.
Whichever one floats your boat.

Anyway, that selfishness is to try to fill in that big, gaping black hole. Which obviously doesn't work, but they try it over and over again like the retards that we all are.

And just like everyone else, I'm trying to fill in that void.
Sure, maybe not through love. ~~D.L. was there when I could've chose that option.~~
Sure, maybe not by being cared for or caring for others. ~~That's pretty obvious by my lack of attendance at school.~~
Sure, not by fucking anyone over, because I know that would just fuck me over. ~~And I'm pretty fucked up as it is.~~

But I'm still that yawning, black abyss, taking everything and anything and killing stars that are bigger than me.
Stars that are glowing. Shining. Important with how they give light to this mute and suffocating world.

With how important they are. Just like everyone else.

And if I had a choice, and we went back to see how I'm just like everyone else,
I think a lot of people would see that I'm not.

Because I'm ordinary.
I'm not fat. I'm not skinny. I'm not pretty. I'm not ugly.
I don't have a strong voice. I don't have a shy personality.
I don't try, but really, I'm trying my damnedest hardest.
I don't care, but I do give a flying fuck.

I've been lonely my whole life.

And there just doesn't seem to be any hope of breaking that horrendous smudge in my life.
Sixteen years is long. I feel like it's been long enough.

Thanks for trying though.

海

Birthday.

2010-12-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

Wow. Whoot. I'm sixteen.

Happy fan-fucking-tastic Birthday
to Myself.

:troll face: -chicken bob-

Would I have been stupid?

2010-12-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

"I think ur awesome"
"thank you, but even so, I don't think I'm as amazing as you bring me to be"
"I have to sleep"
"okay, I'll talk to you some other time"

"You make sure you survie so I can
know your alive"
"I can't promise you, but I'll keep it in mind"

And this was the game we played.

"... are you never drawing again?"
"I still draw"
"poems?"
"once in a while"
"but I've been busy lately
High school isn't what it turned out to be"
"glad to hear it"

Our version of light-hearted and simple.

どうにでもなれだ！
by ナカノ @Pixiv

October 22, 2009
~~fuck.~~
Abused.
Hurt.
Weak.
Broken.
Simple.~~We made it simple.~~

And I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.

But at the same time, I'm not.
I'm sorry, because I died that day.
I died every time he tried to talk to me after that.

Greetings.
My name is Daniel Law.

Because I wasn't ready. I wasn't okay with it. I wasn't willing to admit what he felt when I felt it.

Because I'm still a child. And I was vulnerable. And he didn't have any right to pass those lines. Those gates. That door.

He wasn't close enough.
But maybe I would have gotten better. ~~Since there's no other way to put it.~~

Thank you.

~~And then fuck you.~~

And if the saying that "a person can only fall in love once" is true,
I won't say I love you,
but I'm glad I knew you.

海

knock knock.

2010-11-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

ゾロサン
by ねえ @Pixiv

Translation & romaji:

Sanji: kon kon
knock knock.
Zoro: nandeshyou?
What is it?
Sanji:ano- irittemo iidesuka?
Um... may I go in?
Zoro: douzo　(unsure of the romaji for this kanji) aiteimasuyo
Go ahead, it's empty.
Sanji: deha　shitsurei shimasu
Then, pardon me.
Zoro: ikaga deshyou?
Comfy right?
Sanji: attaka attaka
Warm, warm.

LOL.

Human.

2010-11-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

"I am just an image of something so much greater
I am just a picture frame, I am not the painter
Where do I begin...?
What is this I feel within?"
Human - Civil Twilight

I think you're asking the wrong person.

To do the impossible. To do the expected. To do what is needed. To do what is wanted.

I think you're asking the wrong question. I think you're requesting too much.

I can't do it. Let me repeat myself.

I can't do it.

You're right. It's not as hard as I make it to be. You're right. If everyone else can do it, so can you.

But you're wrong.

This is the time for self-control.

I think this is the time for you to realize, these emotions aren't going away. This will, will not die. That this lock, is now frozen in place.~~I can't move. Not on my own.~~
I'm facing reality. I see it. I understand it. But that's the present.

I'm no longer being told, living in the present is enough.
Being how I am, my existence, my life, is not enough.
I've lived like this my whole life. This is my happiness. My sanctuary.

Why are you taking it away?

Why are you hurting me?
Why?

Because I don't see how I'm wrong.

"You hate being wrong."

And I hate it even more when people say I'm wrong,
but they don't tell me why.

There's a reason for everything. I don't meet people for no reason. I don't talk to people for no reason. I have to have a purpose, a goal, a fulfillment, or reward.

I've spent my whole life. Working up my side of fulfillment. Life owes me.

I played by the rules, but that isn't enough.

I'm tired. Forget this.

海

The Hardest Fall.

2010-11-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

あなたに私の気持ちがわかりますか
by mokuba @Pixiv

I have no future.

And yet, I force myself to see something. To see myself. Alive. Old. Pretending. Just for a few more years.

And then it all comes crashing down.

Funny how, we spend our whole lives preparing to become something. Without reward or gratitude, we are thrown into the world from day one and told: "Work."

I lost everything. I had hit rock-bottom from day one.
And then I was told to "work".

And I did. Relentlessly. Hopefully. Determined.

And yet I feel ~~so fucking~~ stupid.

Is this what I built myself to become? Did all those years come down to nothing?

Funny though, how every single time I had hit the bottom of the ocean, I bounced back and float to the top.

Then down, plunk, and then up again.

Is this what they call the roller coaster of life? How tiring.

Because in my hand, I feel the grains of sand tickling my palm. My hand that reaches for the shore, digs through the bottom of the ocean, reaching and searching for something.

Something I would never achieve. ~~Something strikingly obvious.~~

A reward.

I think it's too late now.

For this "reward". I've worked all my life to make up for what life stole from me.
~~For what my father stole from me.~~
And now I'm tired. Tired of working for a life I hate.
And now I'm bored. Bored of the way I understand how my life will end.
And now I'm sick. Sick to my bones with this disgusting and filthy existence.
"Make up" for what I've lost. What I've lost is something that will never never be "replaced".

Did anyone ever tell you?

Your father is who represents what one envisions God to be.
When you don't have a father in your life, there is no God.
No fear for "sinning", for becoming "tainted", or "unforgivable".

That's like loving without love. Living without hope.
Fucking for virginity.

Right?

海

あなたに私の気持ちがわかりますか

2010-11-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

あなたに私の気持ちがわかりますか
by mokuba @Pixiv

Just give me a minute.

Give me a moment, to make sure...
that this is me.

Who am I fooling?

white canvas
by あも。 @Pixiv

I want to start over. I want to erase everything.
Take back all of my mistakes. All of my misfortunes.
And delete them. Erase them. Cover them up with white.

Innocent, pure white.

But I want to have it all.
And with everything and all, every colour is put together and mixed. And mixed. And mixed.
Until it becomes black.

Faded into the world, the colour becomes gray. Dull. Boring. Null.

Ennui.

At first, at the beginning, at the start.

When I first started to become saturated with this boredom. This hatred. This hurt. This pain.
When I first started to drown and soak in the black ink of my existence.

There was fungus.

Harvesting in the pot of soup or congee or rice.

I was being suffocated by filth.

And then, suddenly. I was clean. Free. Easy-going. Carefree.

Happy.

In the end, the FIN, the fine-nal-ly, the 'The End' of The End.

That was the moment of death. The release of escape that lead to ultimate "eternal life".

There was a mango. A dog. Fake plastic looking wood floors. Carpet.

Life spurned all around me. Life I had always wanted.

I was being suffocated by invidia.

~~Against my own father, because he had it all. While I had nothing.~~

People say you aren't born guilty. You aren't born with the sins of your mother or father pigmented into the very pores of your skin. You aren't. You're free.

You are your own person.

But would anyone like to tell me, just a clue, a symbol, an ounce of mercy that would tell me:
How I ended up having to put up with their shit?

How I ended up poor, along with my mother? How I ended up with the same stupidity as my mother?

How I ended up angry, along with my father? How I ended up with the same selfishness as my father? How I have his ignorance?

We aren't born broken and ugly.

But we are soaked in our maker's filthy blood to become that way.

海

I missed a line.

2010-11-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

「水筒」 by coca @Pixiv

Calm, Cool, Collected.

Somehow, as I grew up, these words that I wished to define myself as, became:

Apathetic, Unmotivated, and Broken.

I think every day, without a doubt,
that I survived that day, because my sadistic "guardian angel"wanted to show me a year of happiness.
~~When he knew, that it would all be taken from me.~~

This year, I was supposed to be happy.

Every three years. I believed.
A miracle would happen for me.
Like every three years, I would have a miracle fall in my lap.
I'd be happy for a year, just so I can live for the next two.

Now I feel betrayed.

Where's my end of the bargain?

I think I missed a line.

Somewhere in my life, I missed a line.

A line that told everyone, "I'm underwater. Suffocating. Broken. Exploding and rotting inside. One intestine and organ at a time."

A line that screamed, "Help me."

A line that said, "The sea can erode me, take away a layer at a time, but every layer it takes off or smooths over, doesn't make me any prettier."

One simple line.

And suddenly, I find my world crashing around me. Exploding. Imploding. Burning. Screaming. Hissing.

Boom. Bang. Click.

Splash.
The lights turn on. And there I am. All around me are the objects of my past, broken, exploded, dying.

But in front of me.
In front of me, is me.
Held in a container, full of water, long since dead, and died believing I was in the sea.
Clutching what I thought was my saving grace. Holding onto all the hopes and dreams I had that year.
Beautiful.

And I take a seat. Staring into that glass. Watching her float. Euphorically. Ethereal. Godly.
As time ticks by.

I don't remember starving. I don't remember being thirsty. I remember waiting.

And then a girl.

Click. Creak. Thump. Thump. Thump.
~~"Hello," she said. "I'm the new you."~~
She cleaned up. Put everything away. Ran around the house, talking, watching me, loving, while being loved.
~~Then, one day, she broke, too.~~
She sat down beside me. She asked me questions. She looked at me. She said I was beautiful.

And then she died.

I stood up then. Brought her cold, unmoving, dry corpse to a room. One in the back. At the top.
I sat her down. In a chair towards a window, tilted her head up to see the sky, and said:
"Warm up, but don't wake up."

And then I sat back down. Only then, did I realize, she had written a lot. She had wanted to write on the walls, because the papers were too crowded, but nothing was important enough to put to stone.

Stone.
I look down.
Rattle. Cling. Click. Rattle. Cling. Click.

I had never changed.
The rusted chains are still mine.
There's no such thing as freedom.

海

それだけでいい

2010-11-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

Is there a point?

If this was all, it'd be easy.

サムネ見ると怖い by アンナ＠自称料理上手 @Pixiv

Honestly.

I'm disappointed.

This is no lie.

Maybe it was stupid for me to have hoped?

In a way, I know.
And I thought.

I thought and I know.
And yet, all this thinking
has only led me to know
that I will never have an answer.

Wrapped around a string taut tight.

Somehow I've realized.
I've been playing myself.

弱ー院 by uni @Pixiv

I've figured myself out.

And at one point, I had control. Total, complete, control over myself.
Myself.

And like a name, it has stuck with me.
I have stuck to it.
But unlike a name,

I belong to myself,
and everybody uses me without a second thought.

Fight Club, I read it for my entertainment.
The slash is evident. The portrayal of homo-eroticism is obvious.
And yet, I find myself understanding the main character.
Wanting to be reborn.
Wanting to hit rock bottom.
Thinking I'm at the point.
Thinking I'm already there.

I'm so convinced.
I need somebody to tell me I'm wrong. That I'm nowhere near rock bottom.

That I'm the sea. I'm the ocean. I'm a huge ass mass of salty water,
that can't do anything, but hold guppy fish and human feces.

And then I think:

"Is there a point?"

And then I say:

"Why do you care?"

And then I feel:

Like dying. Today. Right now.

Like every other day.

いたい by 兎魚蓮 @Pixiv

There's always this face.
The face I adore.
The one I wish I could litter with gentle kisses, and whisper soothingly, "It's alright. No more. Okay. Alright. No more. I promise."
But I can't reach that part. It's there. Behind my masks of:

"smart", "self-controlled", "emotionally stunted", "asexual", "mean",

and not necessarily in that order.
I think I'll call that face the "beautiful" one. The one I was called by, by her first, and then Daniel, and then Mrs. Lesik, my English teacher.

Even though they had never seen that face. Even though they're complete strangers to me now.

Suddenly, I realize, they saw the deepest, darkest side of me that even 空 hasn't seen.

"You're prettier than Vitch."

Yet, at the same time, I know she honestly believes that, but I don't know which mask she sees that makes her think that.

True, Vitch is outlandish. Her looks are of a gobbed up monster and boiled lard. She acts out on her fat ass, and sits down on the smallest seat just to have something shoved up her VJ.

And yet, the way she acts and the way she looks, makes me think of all of those ugly masks inside me. The ones I hide as she shows. The ones that remind me of her and how I used to be like her.

The one that knows I'm almost or just as "loveless" as she is.

And yet again, was I stupid to think that I could escape this feeling?

If all it took, was to extricate myself from 空、to go to a different school, to think that if I met new people, I'd be happy.

I'd be different.

Then I'm sure everyone would have found happiness.

But that's not true.

So, is there a point? For me to be here? To be so hopeful?
Is this all it takes to show me: "I'm a large ass mass of salty water,"
heavy and useless?
Because if it is, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. To be thankful or resentful.
Because I'm stuck here. Again.

A few scratches and bruises,
a few cuts and scars,
This is nothing.
This isn't rock bottom.

If this was all, it'd be easy.

海

People change.

2010-10-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

「Just kidding」- リク

風で膨らんだ by ャャ @Pixiv

I had to ask, "What do you mean? Of course people change."

Somewhere along that sentence, I grew quieter and quieter.

Because it's a fact. People change.

We're in a constant revolution, in constant motion, and people don't stop to think to see the change.
That's how people change.

Somewhere along there, though, I knew I was being too serious.

Because I can't joke. I'm serious.

I knew she didn't mean anything by it, but I still had to tell her. Like it was a fact she didn't know.
I thought I changed.

But on the false pretext that the wind could change me, could move me, I greedily grabbed at it with my heart.
Like the waves on the shore, I'm pulled in close, yet I'm the one who slips away.
I take back what I say, just as fast as I go back to it, and then past it, and then back again.

Constantly, I'm vying. Smoothing and taking and sucking it all in.
With no purpose or reason, I keep moving and keep doing mindless petty things.

No one sees the change in me.

海

I wish I could break easily.

2010-10-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

あんなにかわいいんだから天使に決まってる by アンナ＠ブリーフ仮面 @Pixiv
"You're so cute, I'm sure you're an angel."

"Some angels don't have wings."

Does that mean they exist on Earth?

Because if angels exist, wouldn't they break easy?
Isn't that why they die early? Because "god" wants them close to him?
Isn't that why I'm still here?

Because I'm no angel. Because I don't break easy. Because I'm not cute. Because I don't have wings.
Because I'm not Perfect.
Does that make me the devil?

To be honest, I'm tired.
To be honest, I'm sick.
To be honest, I'm broken.
To be honest, I break easily.

And yet, people tell me: Like you. that I need to be strong.
That I need to be healthy.
That I need to be put together.
That I need to be holding together.
Like some broken toy that refuses to be played with anymore.

So help me. Like you never have.
So nurse me. Like you have been doing.
So fix me. Like you don't know how.
So hold me together. When I can't even hold myself.

So teach me love. Teach me how to be strong, healthy, put together, and held together.

Teach me how not to be broken.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't.
And I'll teach you how to see that I am.

海

Like a tree, a cloud hangs over me.

2010-10-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

722 by m @Pixiv

It might rain, and it might pour.
But it's only adding to the salty blue sea above me.

海

When was the last time you cried?

2010-10-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

WHEN ACE WAS FUCKING KILLED.

WHAT IS THIS. WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SHIT?!

OTL, I think I want to die now.
The hottest, sexiest, cutest, character in the most amazing, stunning, heart-wrenching manga in the whole world, One Piece...

HAS DIED.

WTF.

-From here on, Umi is in mourning. Please do not disturb.
海

「もう。。。じたばたしね。」

2010-10-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Oda Eiichirou One Piece.
Ace's Execution.

"I'm... done fighting."

Sometimes, we make mistakes.
And usually, we pay the price.

But sometimes, others pay the price.
And usually, we're the ones feeling the guilt.
Then trying to make up for it.

But for a fighter,
like Ace,
Mistakes and Failure
mean everything.

He doesn't get a second chance.

But that's unfair.

But he's given up the fight,
And he's
Accepting and Regretting
his decisions.

Even the strongest
fall short
when it comes to death.

And yet, there are others willing to fight for him.
Others trying to save him.
Trying to protect him.

I was strong. I have fallen.
I have fallen. I gave up my fight.
But there's no one to fight for me. To save me. To protect me.

That's not fair.

But in the end,
we're both saying
I'm sorry.

海

Love?

2010-10-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm holding an ocean inside of here.

14.波/気分だけでも海に by 兎魚　蓮 @Pixiv

Whether it's full of love, or sadness, or regret, or salt.
It's there.
It's here.
It's heavy.

And you know, sometimes I wish you would take some.
Sometimes I wish I could clean it.
I wish I could purify it.
Make it pretty.
Make it what

You want it to be.

But he tells me, he wants nothing.
So I become nothing.
Why do you care?
Because you're my fucking daughter.
And you're a fucking liar.

Make me into something.
海

Tell me.

2010-09-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

Can anyone be this tired?

十五のあなたに、伝えたいことがあるのです by 優 @Pixiv

"To the ten year old me, I have something to tell you."

At one point, my life looked like that. Except the girl on the left wasn't my older self, but rather, the girl I wanted to become.

She held that paper up, and read to me all the misfortunes that would happen to me. She told me all of the dreams that didn't happen, and so many other cruel things.

I was being bullied.

There's no surprise there. I'm sure.

"Really. Look at yourself. You think you can achieve dreams like that?"

"Yes." Because aren't false hopes everything?
Because they were mine, and you can't tell me otherwise.

Because she says so. Even her pretty face doesn't lie to me.
You can.

And that's all I'll ever have.

I'm not sorry.
I'm not self-assured.
I'm not grateful.
I'm not happy, whatever that means.

I'm angry.
I'm hurt, and probably broken.
I'm spiteful and even acerbic.
I'm tired,
and anybody would know,
because I'm telling them now.

That not how it's played, though.

I'm the girl on the right.
Nothing has changed.
I'm sobbing.
Crying my eyes out.
And the girl on the left continues.
Coldly.
Mechanically.
Menacingly.
She has nothing nice left to say.

Despite her pretty face.

海

Angry War.

2010-09-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Everyday, this is like an
Angry War with him.

見てんじゃねぇよ by なこ @Pixiv

I sit there at the table with him.
I sit there with my brother.

My brother comments on something, he has to say something back.
Sometimes, I wish my brother wouldn't say anything at all. Just so he wouldn't say anything back. Just so he wouldn't talk.

And yet, when I say something. To my brother.
He thinks he can just come into the conversation and start talking.
It's like he thinks he can just walk into my life again.
Take away the last thing special about me.
My words.

And he was talking trash about my mom again.
Saying, "Why doesn't she save up money?"
And yet, he's never been there to save up money for us.
Saying, "Just wait for my day off, that's the perfect time to go shopping."
And yet, he's never even been there to take care of the groceries.
To feed us.
To make the money to buy the food.

And I talk. I say some simple words.
He gets angry.
Saying, "That's disrespectful."
"That's stupid."

Well Fuck You.

I put up with SO MUCH SHIT.

I PUT UP WITH ALL OF HIS SHIT.
THAT HE HAS MADE ME INTO.

Where the fuck were you to teach me what the fuck disrespectful was?
Where the fuck were you when I was stupid and young?
Where the fuck were you when I needed someone to notice there was something wrong?

Where the fuck was he when I wanted to feel protected?

I'm grown up now.

I don't need to feel protected, safe, or secure.
I don't think about money anymore.
I don't think about how fucked up this is.
I don't think about how angry I am.
I don't think about loving you.
Just why I need to forgive you.
Just why I need to call you "Dad".

I never questioned it before.

Like he has never given me anything before.

Well what the fuck is disrespectful? You never taught me.
Well what the fuck is stupid? You never taught me what's "smart".

I learned all on my own, what those two things were.
If I'm wrong, then fine.
Whatever that says about my mom, I don't care.
Because she's the only one who notices me anymore.

海

2010-09-20T18:51:00.001-07:00

If you're broken inside, what do you do?
If you've lost the will to live, what do you do?
If you're peeling out the splinters one by one, tearing open your skin, and watching your fingers bleed...
Is there something wrong?

Because I'd like to know.
Because I'm not broken inside, but I know I am.
Because I haven't lost the will to live, I've gained the will to die.
Because I'm peeling the splinters out of my skin. Because I'm tearing myself open. Because I'm watching myself bleed.
You know I want to know.

I dreamed. I hoped.
I want to achieve what isn't expected of me.
But it seems, everything that's expected of me, are good things.
And I can only show the bad.

I want to re-live something.
I want to have it.
I want to feel like how the book tells me to.
But alas,
I've already done that.
I've already gone there.
I've already lived that.
I'm only waiting to die again.

You wanna try to tell me otherwise?

You know, she's so... stupid.
She judges. She thinks she's so right.
Yet. She wastes. Yet. She doesn't understand people.

Her eyes aren't open.
If becoming an adult means, becoming blinded and not understanding,
If becoming strong means naivety and being non-accepting,
I don't want to be her.
That's bullshit.

海

make me real.

2010-09-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

Here's my image for today.

It's dark. I can'e see a thing. I'm panicking, because I'm not even sure if it's me touching my hands, or some stranger. I'm scared. Am I sitting? Am I hanging? What is this? What am I?

A monster?

Because I know you, but you know me.
Because you don't know me, and I know you.
Because I know you, so you don't know me.
Because I know me, and I know you, I don't know me.

Did you know?

"I am displeased," she said.
I wanted to say, "I am too. More than anyone would ever know."
But instead I said something easy, and predictable, and happy.
But I wanted to cut off my tongue.

It's true, Sora, we're different.
I'm not jealous that you can love.
I'm not sad because I can't love.
Yes, it's true, we don't need love. But there's a difference between "can't love" and "can love".
And the difference is us. You're blue, I'm red.
I need greens. You need yellows.
I can taint the sky blood red, you can dye the sea pitch black. But in the end, we need different things.
We return to normal at the end of the day.

I had a dream. I dreamed I fell in love. I lie and say it was because I was with a white guy. The truth is, it was weird because I was in love.
He kissed me on the ear like I hoped he would. He laid his head on my lap like I wanted him to. I held him in my arms, like that was where I was supposed to be.
But that's a dream. That's what I want. That's my heart showing me my desires. Giving me happiness for a fleeting night's memory. When I wake, my mind fills in the holes in my heart, and I don't have room for love anymore. I don't have strength to love anymore. When I'm constantly trying to empty myself, how can I shove in someone else?

I don't feel human anymore.
Because I can't suffocate myself. Because I don't have strengths. Because I don't have strength. Because I don't have weaknesses to hide. Because I have no shame or pride. Because I can't breathe. Because I can't...

Because I don't have anything anymore.
I have nothing to give.
I won't receive anything in return.

If there is a god, he has forsaken me.
The bad die late. The useless waste their lives searching.
And I am one. He has probably told me, "Die."
And I have defied him. And he has robbed me.

But if there is no god. If there is only fate and destiny and superstitions.
I pray to all the forces in the universe, to give me all the luck in the world,
to find me a reason to live.
To make me real.
To make me human again.

海

息を止(や) めるの，今。

2010-09-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

For the first time in three years, I thought, "I want to die." seriously again.

My thoughts are swirling. My anger is being pushed down. My hatred is steaming, and it's burning through my skin.

My head hurts.

For the first time in three years, I don't want to go to school.
I simply don't want to go. It hurts.
Like it did three years ago.

I'm not sure why.

It hurts.

I wish I knew why.
Then maybe I could fix it.

I don't feel anything. I'm not interested in anything.
I feel broken. Like how those people on TV describe depression.
The world's spinning. And I want it to stop. And keep going. And stop. And keep going.

I want to die.

fuck.

海

The meaning of Life. Not Love.

2010-09-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

OMFG. -cry- T^T Fanfiction.net probably hates me.
Why did they take off the storymarks feature? That's so gay! I had seven stories in there to read! PUGHRIAKGNEDAKBN WHUT.

Like, woooow. Really? Really? I'm not going to bookmark a fucking story about a guy getting his ass pounded. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I NEED TO HAVE THOSE STORYMARKS.

Whatthefuckever. Fuckers.

Ugh, and this morning, my mom totally failed at making hot dogs. She doesn't know how to cook those Italian sausages, and then it was all her fault my second favourite sweater has a fucking OIL STAIN ON IT NOW. UGH, FUCK.

And yeah, I know. I'm taking FULL PSDL now and, WHOA, Physics is going to become a SLAUGHTER HOUSE. kill me now pl0x. Why is the textbook so freaking damn HEAVY?! Uhuhuhu~!
Now, I'm also taking PSDL math, and I'm going to DIIIIEEE. Why did I think taking math 20 PSDL was a good idea? Fucking shitty ass cakes.
I am QUITE stressed. Thanks for noticing.

On the other hand, I am seriously. seriously. seriously. CRYING. THERE ARE NO HOT GUYS. WHO LIED TO ME?
THEY'RE ALL DORKS. GEEKS. Fucking TWINKS (DO NOT google that.)
-headsmash-
-gurgling sound the fish in Insaniquarium make when they die-
Not even one hot, decent, guy. I'm not asking for a fucking JJ clone, although that'd be much appreciated, but at least ONE. PLEASE? ;___;

killing me softly.
AND SLOWLY.
AND PSYCHOTICALLY.

ウミ

I could really use a wish right now.

2010-09-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Cloe recently told me, "I find things just get more and more complicated as we get older."

And I told her, "I think it's more straightforward."

Because, really, I understand what she means. If I look at it like how she does.

On the other hand, if I look at like how I am...

Things change.

"I didn't know my mom was falling into debt, even though it was pretty obvious.
I didn't know we didn't pay rent.
I didn't know my mom borrowed a lot of money from friends to feed me, my brother, and my nephew.
I didn't know my sister only worked part-time because she didn't have the education to have a full time job.
I didn't know my older sister was having an even better life than I was.

but now, I'm like, fifteen, I think
and I know all of it now
and I keep figuring it out
I keep understanding more and learning more about my past
but I'm not learning anything about my future and stuff."

I remember when Sora was having problems with her parents, I asked her, "Do you think it would have been better if it happened when you were younger, or right now?"
Divorce, I mean.
She said, "Now, because I can do something about it."

Once again, I looked at it differently.
To be honest, I was a bit angry at her for thinking that.
But then I felt angrier at myself, for not understanding her.

Because it's true. I keep learning about my past.
I keep wishing for so many things to come back.
I keep wanting to go back.
To try to change something.
To understand something.
To see those miracles I missed.
To have a miracle happen.
To stop living in the past.

I realized, recently, all those drives my mom took us out on.
All those times she would sleep the afternoon away.
All those times she got drunk.
All those times she held me to sleep.
Were to get away from herself.
Did she ever think of dying?

You would think, something horrible happening would make someone try harder.
My mother lived through breast cancer.
I think she died then.

I was four or five then.

There was a problem with my life. One single problem,
breaking into a million others.
I realized, when I was twelve, there was something wrong.

Cloe's right, as we get older, things get more complicated.
"I think when we were kids it was more simple, we had less schoolwork, less responsibility, lower expectations, ect."
But I look at my past. I think that was complicated enough. Do I need to elaborate any more?
(To Michou, Amaya, and Nina, who might or might not read my blog, I'm sorry. I can't explain further.)
So in a way, I think my present is straightforward. I think it's simple. I don't need to question it.
It's weird and unfamiliar, but I don't need to question it.

Sora's right, having parents separated when you're at this age, would make it easier.
Although, I think I needed to hear it.
I think I needed to hear, that it would be better when I'm younger. That way, I wouldn't have to deal with it. I wouldn't understand it, until I'm older and I can't do anything about it.
From her words though, I felt I had failed. I felt like I had become a "disappointment", because I couldn't do anything.
because I didn't do anything.

And in this way, not doing anything, up until I was twelve, everything hit me.

Things like...
My mom was falling into debt, even though it was pretty obvious.
We didn't pay rent, in the apartment we moved into.
My mom borrowing a lot of money from friends to feed me, my brother, and my nephew.
My sister only worked part-time because she didn't have the education to have a full time job.
My older sister was having an even better life than I was, and I hadn't seen her in eight years.
My dad still wasn't there. When was the last time I saw him?

That's normal.
I know I've told Sora the truth. It's not the whole truth, but it's the truth.
If I was to tell anyone the whole truth, it'd be like telling them the reason I wanted to die.

Even at Riku's party when I talked about moving in with my dad, and how I wanted to die when I was twelve. Those were hard times for me, consciously.
What hurts the most, is when I think of the unconscious moments.
Like those drives. The radio. Like that sleep. The dreams. Like those books. The escape.

Suddenly, those things make me break down the most.
Suddenly, I'm faced with the facts of why and how it built up to that point of thinking of suicide. That point... where I wanted everything to stop.

I hate thinking about them...
but they make me feel the most alive.

They remind me why I am, who I am right now.
Suddenly, I don't feel so weak anymore.
ウミ

MAJOR Fanfiction rant.

2010-09-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so recently, I've been reading lots and lots of fanfiction. Just to keep me busy. The problem is, I'm not making much progress with them.

You don't even have to read this. I'm just venting.

Suddenly, I'm reading a... what is this, Harry Potter fanfiction?! Yeah, and it's pretty cool... but not as cool as if I had read Harry Potter from beginning to end.

I realize this applies to all of the other fanfiction I'm reading. It's ridiculous.

I'm reading a Naruto fanfic. Wanna guess what pairing?
Answer: SasukeHinata
AH-HA! You didn't expect that did you? Did you?

...Neither did I. The major problem is that I'm not into Naruto anymore. Plus, it's a hetero couple I've never believed in. I LOVED ShikamaruNeji. Those two are hot and fucking amazing and believable, but the writer also wrote in the time period I actually read and loved. Ikigai - title of the fanfiction with SasuHina - is written concentrating on bringing Sasuke back. Ughhh, fucking BS. Can everyone just GET OVER the fucking prick? He's such an ultimatum character. You either lover him or you hate him. Jesus fucking christ.
I dropped it when Naruto got older and he met Sasuke again, but he didn't bring him back. That was so stupid. So now I'm reading Ikigai, and it's based around that time. Uh hellloo~ I can't do it, I don't give a shit about Sasuke. -head smash-
Naruto should go back to being gag.

I'm also reading... a Alex Rider fanfiction.
I know, I know, Alex Rider isn't all that amazing. It's been compared to Harry Potter and Artemis Fowl (which I personally think is all because they're books named after the main character), but it's badly written. Anthony Horrowitz is just a BAD writer. He's got the ideas, but just not the SENSE to WRITE it. It's not tasteful writing. I could compare it to the horrible writing of, what the fuck is it called? Oh right, Twilight.

Yeah, it's THAT bad, but for some reason, girls are imagining him to be amazingly hot?
Uh, the guy who killed Alex's uncle, Yassen is amazingly hot.
The guy who "bullied" Alex when he was in the training camp, Wolf is amazingly hot.

Where... are they getting this?

I think by the THIRD book, I GAVE UP thinking Alex was hot. He got a BUZZ CUT. WTF.

And am I the only one thinking his character is all... ugh, I'm sorry, I'm not clicking with this boy. He's so BORING.

Artemis Fowl, I mean, he's got the contrasting blue eyes against black hair! FUCK that is so hot. Plus, he's SMART and TACTFUL and RICH. He's even got SARCASM.
ALEX, THOUGH... I'm going to cry reading this series. The guy's not even hot. Not in my head, at least. He doesn't even have the character to make up for the lack of appearance.

sigh. In this FF of Alex Rider, he's older, and I mean, it's well-written (excluding the dialogue. Why do so many people have trouble with speech verse?), but...
I don't know what's canon and what isn't!
Some character died in the FF, and as far as I know, she's still alive by the third book. When does she die?! WTF?!
And who's this BEN?! WTF. AGH, I don't know anymore.
I hate this series, but I like the FF.
Should I read it anyway?

SIGH. This is pretty stressful.

ウミ

Because everyone's writing about school...

2010-09-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

But I don't feel like writing at all.

School? Somehow, I know, I'm just fucking starting all over again.
I know I'm running away again.
But it's so fucked up.

Because I'm getting what I want.

Don't tell me it's not fucked up.

Don't tell me it's alright.

Because it's not.

Because I'm being told, by some god spitting in my face, "SURPRISE! BITCH."

And I'm not fucking happy.

What kind of fucked up prank is this?
Do you like playing with my life?
Do you like fucking around with me?
Is it so goddamn interesting?

Because I'll tell you what's happening.

My dad has come back into the family.
Emma has started to talk to me again, and we don't argue.
Sora is the same as ever, but I still feel happy when I'm with her.

And things are moving back into place, just like how I wanted.

But I don't want this anymore.
I don't want any of this anymore.
I gave up on thinking my dad would come back.
I gave up on having Emma back.
I gave up on being happy with Sora.

I gave up on myself.
I stood up and walked away from myself.

Isn't that good enough?

What kind of fucked up game am I playing?
Did I fight to the death and finally get my reward?
Did I become a heroine and save everyone?
Did I win this war?

And if I did, is this my reward?

Because if this is my reward for trying to start all over again,
I want something else.

It doesn't make cents.

2010-08-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

一番奥の部屋 by スノン @Pixiv

It's been a few days since I've had this conversation with my brother, but I keep thinking about it. And it bothers me.

For the longest time, I thought I was the only one. The only one in the family who had trouble keeping myself together. Who couldn't stand up and say, "I want this."

The only one afraid to show myself. Be somebody. Make something of myself. Ask for happiness.

To be honest, I laugh while I say, "I think I have confidence issues," just so I can hide how true I honestly think it is.

When I told my brother, who I believe to have gotten all of the good genes, he said, "You know I do too."

And maybe that shook me up more than I thought.

Because now I'm thinking of when I told Emma, "There are so many times I think you're so much better than me. So many times I know others think you're better than me. When you're beside me and I know they compare us, and I make you look so much better."

And she said, "You know, there are times when I think you're prettier than me."

And that shut me up.

But then I tell Cloe, "I'm not confident in anything that I do. I feel like, if I'm not doing it for someone, and they don't ask me for it, I can't do it. I can't be confident enough to do my best."

And she says she understands.

And that made me feel weak.

Because for all those years,

My brother was smarter than me.

Emma was prettier than me.

And Cloe was weaker than me.

But now I find out,

My brother's just as idiotic as me.

Emma's just as ugly as I am.

And Cloe is stronger than me.

So what the fuck does that make me?

What should I think of myself now?

That I'm somehow surpassing my brother by making new friends, passing high school like this, and I don't know, being asexual so I don't need to care about relationships?

That I'm somehow bettering Emma by having those moments of gorgeousness, taking it easy and focusing on my friends, and - oh, what the fuck - not having any relationships at all compared to her six boyfriends in a year?

That I'm somehow becoming so selfish that I've been looking at myself, and not anyone else? That being this blind has made me weak? That being this weak has made me a rotten person? Worse than what I was?

Is my life... really based on how I can open up to people?
Is my life... really based on what I see in the reflection?
Is my life... really not all about how rotten and broken I am?

Because somehow the people I've looked up to, and envied, and hated, and wished I had been born just like that, have told me otherwise.

I think the final straw was when I realized even my brother has found something respectable in me.

Thank you.
ウミ

Be.

2010-08-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

nothing else matters by ~jyoujo on deviant ART

Because I can exist.Because I can be strong.Because I can be calm.Because I can embrace.Because I can accept.Because I can wash away.Because I can forgive.Because I can forget.Because I can be gentle.Because I can be rough.Because I can take away.Because I can give.
But,
Because you can see through me.
Nothing else matters. Because...
I can't be anything.

ウミ

aaaaahhh~~ omg. School. omfg.

2010-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Omfg. >___<

I don't know whether to be excited or just angry.

テキンラーメンズ by ものゆう @Pixiv

Today's just another fun post. I'm really bored, and all I'm thinking about is school.

I should elaborate about my trip to Toronto, but nothing really interesting happened other than the food. ahahahaha

On the other hand, I wasn't as excited to see my new nephew than I thought I'd be. It just made me think of how old I'm going to get and how I'm going to be treated by my niece. It kind of bothers me to think that, maybe one day, she'll go up to me and ask, "Auntie, why aren't you married? Are you going to marry your boyfriend soon?"

And I'd crush all her ideals and dreams by saying, "What's the point in getting married? It costs money, and it doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna have a 'happily ever after'."

What sucks is that she's totally into the Disney princess'. Fuck.
At least she likes Dora more. Then I can just say instead, "Go play with your monkey. Better yet, go bother your cousin. You wanna be like Dora, right?"

Or something.

-sigh- I'm kind of excited for school, honestly. I'll probably be late to pretty much eeeevvveerryy class.... but it was like that for gr. 10, who cares if I do it again in a new school?

I've gotten good at relaxing myself recently. I was really nervous about taking my school I.D. photo for the yearbook, but I relaxed enough before it, so I think I turned out looking pretty cute. xD I look rreeeeaallly Asian.

I think I just hate registrations. They're all so annoying.

城之内くんと海馬くん by 青ﾄ @Pixiv
This is what I'm usually doing nowadays. I'm not really with anyone, but there's this weird awkwardness with myself. Like, I used to talk to myself in my head, but now... it's like, no matter what I say to myself, I don't have a good response.
I've become so boring. I can't learn anything about myself anymore.
I've lost interest in myself.

Recently, I've also started to really like this pairing, Katsuya Jonouchi and Seto Kaiba. xD Puppy!shipping~ because Kaiba calls Jou a mutt.
ウミ

Finally, the big "trip to Toronto" picspam

2010-08-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

These are re-sized BTW.

Has anyone ever told you
how fucking hard it is to take pictures of wild flowers?

The first "interesting" town we passed by. Really, it was all old and retro looking buildings and stuff, but there was barely anyone there. A lot of Aboriginals though.

OMFG! IT'S A UFO!
Naw, I'm just kidding. That's just a water tower. ROFL.

Ah~ Alberta's sunsets... Wait, is this Saskatchewan? Maybe Manitoba? Too much grass... Too flat... wwwww

At a rest stop. I took this picture through the window, because I was too scared to step outside. The bugs were attacking my dad's car... >__<

We just thought this was pretty much the worst name for a moving company. -sigh- I don't know, it was interesting at the moment. Now it just seems lame. -w-;;;

Yeah. More grasslands. More plains. At least the weather was nice.

A... um, Ukranian Christian church in a town called Yorkton, I believe. This building was OLD. This is the picture of the rectory, the places where the priests live.

The really awesome looking cross, that made me think of Mihawk's blade.
...I forgot the name of the sword, even though I JUST watched the episode. You'd think I'd care more since it's about Zoro. ( ___ |l')

The sign under the cross.

I think this is the actual church...

The SUPER OLD building on the other side of the church. I swear, the building was falling apart. Literally.

The row of trees across the street from the church.

I think this is America now... ROFL. It's not just fucking flatlands anymore. Thank god.

At the Mall of America, we ate at Cinnabon. It was yummy. xD The box for it makes it look like a burger. ROFL

This was the day before we ate at Cinnabon.
This is from Tiger Sushi.
Worst sushi restaurant ever. DO NOT EAT HERE.

OH! It's the Lego from the Nickelodeon! This was just as tall as me! ^^

Uh, yeah, he's missing a hand...
ROFL.

Mr. T-Rex thing. He's also missing a finger. WWWW

No joke. This thing was TALL. It was so tall, I couldn't get the whole thing into the picture.

Yay~ little dinosaur babies! xD

This is the mom of the dinosaur babies...Uh, is it just me, or do the babies look more like T-rexes?BTW, I am in this picture. XD

Yay~ BIG Mr. T-Rex!

Some random birds.

Uh, right. So that means I can still touch the Lego right? I think I'll just take the horn as a souvenir... yeah'kaythanks.

I'm not sure if this is the continued trip to Toronto, or if it's the trip going back to Alberta.So I'm just going to put these as thumbnails, since it's all just landscape anyway. wwwwwwww

This was supposed to be a huge ass car tire... but our car was moving too fast for me to take a picture. So it just looks fucking ass cool. LOL I'll probably use this as a texture.

OH OH OH! This was the restaurant at Toronto that charges $21 per person, for ALL YOU CAN EAT. Including desserts and drinks! But it was super busy. The restaurant is called Ten Ichi, Japanese cuisine. If you ever have a chance to go to Toronto, and you want to try this place, make sure to place a reservation. :»

THIS WAS DELICIOUS. This guy can cook~ It was fun to watch him cook, and it was fun to eat his food. wwwwww

Did I ever tell you how much fucking love green tea matcha lattes? Like, if matcha latte=love, then I'd "matcha latte" green tea matcha lattes. UNF.

But despite the awesome picture I have of my matcha latte, the background is actually like this. Which means, that was the state of the car. wwwwwww...

This is from a dim sum restaurant. The waitresses had mild maid outfits. ¬ ¬
I have no idea, but the dim sum was pretty good. :»

More landscape. Not sure from where.

WWWW~ Doesn't this look like a CAR COMMERCIAL?!

I think this just explains for itself.

OMFG I think I'm done posting the fucking pictures. I'm going to sleep now. Fuck this.
ウミ

(見て、見ないで、見て、見ないで、見て、見て、見て)

2010-08-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like blogging about my vacation anymore. You all know where I went.
Road-trip to Toronto. That's all you need to know.

(見て、見ないで、見て、見ないで、見て、見て、見て) by 兎魚　蓮 @Pixiv

Look. Don't look. Look. Don't Look. Look. Look. Look at me.
This is how I feel right now.

Actually, I've felt like this for a while.

I can't take it anymore.No, I couldn't take any of this from the start.

I just want to close my eyes. I'm so tired.
I just want to say I'm tired. I just want to stop existing.
I want to hurt myself. I want to damn myself. But no matter what.
I'm just too weak.
What was I expecting? What was I really looking for? What am I wishing for?
Why am I blaming myself... for all of the things I can't give to myself?
I can't even make myself confident.

I'm ugly.
But I want to be seen.
I don't want to be looked at.
Even if there's nothing to look at.

Even though, I'm nothing.
And I think that's better. Even when I was something.

I'm suffocating under myself. I'm dying because of myself.
It just hurts to be me now.

I'm just tired of being me
ウミ

(=___=)Zzzz ~

2010-08-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

I should seriously be working on the blog that's like, full of picture from my trip and shit... but it's been hectic.

Good news(-ish?): I got a call from Joe's~ ("!"?) I really don't know if that's a good thing.
Uhm... I think that's it? ROFL. Well, hm, I guess you could count the awesome pictures I got. They're so high quality~ yay for new phone~ ^^

Bad news: Just... stuff.
I don't know. I'm always feeling a little crazy nowadays.

Let's just say, I know I have a serious emotional problem.
I'm not going to talk a lot about this for now. I want to be happy a little longer.
Don't want to spread my... I don't know, emo issues (? haha) with everyone like a attention whore.

So yeah, I'm really tired. I want to sleep some more, my eyes feel so sore, and I don't know, life is so out of place right now.

I don't think this vacation gave me a "vacation". More like, something a little more than a little bit to think about. To torture myself with.

The new school semester is coming up. I don't know if I'll make it in time... to... fix myself.

My new teacher advisor is a woman. My confidence is shot to pieces. I'm so uncomfortable with... talking, everything feels weird. I really woke up this morning and cried after talking with my TA, knowing I need to start a new life.

So what the fuck. This day was blown to pieces from the very beginning. Let's just fucking making it implode now right?

This whole post is just fucked up. Maybe if you read a little deeper, you'd be able to see how much I'm showing right now.

I'm so fucking naked right now. ~~I'm so fucking naked right now.~~
I'm so fucking transparent right now.

I'm... I seriously thought about how "Even if I die right now, it wouldn't make a goddamn difference. I wouldn't even get the attention I probably need. I probably wouldn't have told anyone anything about how fucked I am right now. They'd probably all just think I killed myself because I'm a attention whore."

You want to see something? Here it is.

I'm really tired.

Thanks.

FUCK YEAH.

2010-08-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'm finally home!

I'm just angry and tired. Guess that makes me grumpy.

2010-08-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's really hot in Markham. I didn't get much sleep.

Everyone seems to be in a bad mood. I bought ugly shoes, just because they didn't have the Lacoste in my size, and my old shoes were hurting me.

I'm so fucking tired.

Not just because of the walking.

Because of the stares. Because of the heat. Because my dad's a fucking jerk. Because my mom's an ignorant pig. Because....

I don't give shit.

I'm just so tired.

I want to go home. I can't do anything about any of this. I'm so angry. So frustrated.

These tears are from frustration. I wish I didn't have to hear any of this. I want to just be deaf for those moments. Where those words don't build ugly words in my throat. Build words that hold no meaning or effect to the person I want to direct them to.

I wish could change this part of me. This part that cries. Looks ugly.

Mom don't criticize me. Dad don't look down on me.

I just want to make you two happy for who I am. For how I turned out.
Show you I love you and am grateful. Show you to be proud of me and what I've become.

Why won't you understand? Why is both so impossible?

I need to buy more stuff. I need new stuff.
But I can't hold out my hand and take. I can't let go of the old.
I'm just sorry.

Whatever.

ウミ

So fucking annoying.

Just Fuck It All.

2010-08-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

I know, I'm on vacation. Why am I thinking about this?

Mainly because, I'm scared to death. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back and find that I don't belong anywhere.

I don't want to be alone.

But that's what I've made myself to be.

What am I doing?

I'm going to stop thinking about that for now. Just for now.

Right now, I'm in... Minneapolis? Somewhere in the U.S.. ahahaaa I visited the Mall of America~ It's a lot nicer than WEM, but still, I kind of like WEM more. So much easier to find things. LOL Tomorrow we're actually going to BUY stuff. Today, we just ate. First at Tiger Sushi. Holy fuck, the food was fucking horrible. Bad service, too. The only thing that probably TASTED like SOMETHING RIGHT was the tako (octopus)... and the cucumbers. ROFL.

This is the dish of takos.
You see how we ate it all. Including the cucumbers. My brother, in his desperation, started to eat the cucumbers dipped in soy sauce.

Then we went to... uh... some steak place. It was actually pretty good, but... It's not Alberta beef. The steak was kind of chewy, but it tasted pretty good. ^^ The mash potatoes were made bad, but still yummy. Don't tell my dad, he dissed a lot of stuff. ahahaha, and I don't know if it's normal here, but the service here sucks... it's worse than in E-town. God... -sighs and shakes head- you know what's ridiculous? Bacon wrapped scallops is served as a main dish and costs TWENTY-FOUR dollars (AMERICAN). So fucking ridiculous.

Right now we're staying in Ramada hotel. We wanted to stay at Super 8 since it's cheaper and nicer, but... it's so far from the MoA. LOL So yeah, we just stayed here, I hope I can get up early tomorrow.

Oh and, no offense, but American people in this town are so... ugh, god. Like people just turn and look. They aren't even secretive about looking. They just gawk. I mean, maybe I looked a little silly. My hair's not in the best condition, I was probably the only girl wearing dark blue skinny jeans, and NOT short shorts. Still, people, you don't just turn and STARE. Jesus.

I'll make an AMAZING blog post about my whole trip when I get to my destination.
じゃ！またね～！
ウミ

You know better.

2010-08-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

I should know better.
>「ねえ。聴こえてる?ねえ、。俺の…」【腐】 by 兎魚　蓮 @Pixiv

The worst part is that, because I know, I keep trying.
I stopped trying for so long already.

Just leave me alone.

You can keep moving along.

I don't need to go anywhere.

ウミ

あまい

2010-08-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

【※妄想アンナ】おとーさん！【注意】 by ﾘｵｶ@友人作ﾌﾟﾛﾌ画なう @Pixiv

The text in the picture:
Child: [singing] Daddy's hair is lo-ng~
Da-ddy's really str-ong
Da-ddy I lo-ve you-

Mom: [holding back laughter] I... I'm home- PFFT.

Dad: .....

ROFL.

You Got Brave.

2010-08-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

Psh, please.

You know, sometimes, I think you're amazing.
Sometimes, I think you're so goddamn brave.
Sometimes, I think if it's you, you can do it.

But then again, More often than I think you're amazing, brave, or fucking you.
I think you're cruel.
I think you're a goddamn coward.
I think because it's you, I can't rely on you.

I think, you never stop to think.
Just like her.

You might have never noticed, but I tried. At one point, I was just like you. I'd fidget, I was OCD, I was always trying to make things right.

I fidgeted and I tried to control my obsessiveness. I tried to hold myself down... but being with you for so long, I couldn't stand by and see you rot like this.
So I tried to fix you.

Then she waltzes right in. Like fucking Cinderella, you became her "fairy godmother". You forget every single goddamn thing I taught you.

You can play your innocent game as long as you want. I let you. I saw right through you, but I never said a word. You can hide behind your fake ignorance, and "selective memory". You can make the world spin at whatever the fucking speed you want.

But maybe I forgot to tell you.
Maybe it's my fault, because I'm so obsessed with fixing you.
Every single fucking time.
It's not about you. It's everything about you.

Because I know all those times I thought you were amazing, was when you stood up naturally. You stood up, taller than me. All those times, I'd sit beside you while you stood up and said the right thing. Because I know all those times I thought you were brave, was when I told you I believed in you. You believed in me, who believed in you, who believed that you believed me. (LOL) Where you stood and fought head-on with what you knew was right. Because I know all those times I thought you of all people, were the one to help me through this. To listen to me cry, and hear me get angry, sad, or just downright fucking sappy. You know best how I cry when I'm frustrated, how I cry when I miss things, how I'm weak and suck at keeping secrets.
That it's you.
The one who was there to listen when no one else did.

But more often than those moments, I know I look down at you.
I know I make it seem like you disappoint me. Like you fail me.

Because you're cruel. To everyone else, you are unfair. In a way, I admit, I liked being in your favour. I liked it when you treated me better than everyone else, even if it was just an extra cookie or something. Although, I wasn't there to be liked by you. I felt like if I continued to be liked by you, I would be the one failing you. So I pushed you. I was cruel to you, so you wouldn't be cruel to everyone else. You learned well. I know because she came into your life. They came into your life.
And with them, you became a coward. From the point that your mother said, "Stop being friends with them." You became an unbelievable coward. You know, I was fine with it. You didn't say anything to defend yourself, even when I knew and you knew, what was right. Fine, you're a coward, and even if you lost them, at least you know what it's like to be kind. Everything was fine, until she digs a hole under the gate I made for you, and pops up saying, "Keep me."

To say you fucked up would be wrong. To say I fucked up by teaching you to be kind, would be wrong. To say she fucked you up, would be the understatement of the century.
And I don't blame her. No, I don't, because she can't stop it completely. She can't make everything stop. She tried to find help, and because I taught you to be kind, you helped her.

Where you fucked up, is when I realized it was you who had to help her.

If you kept it a secret, you wouldn't have to let go of my hand and walk away from me. If you shut your mouth, I wouldn't have laid my hands on your shoulders and said you can do it. If you had labeled the whole file under her as "CLASSIFIED", I wouldn't have put you down. I would carry you on my back, and never looked back to see her on yours.

Where you fucked up, is when I knew I couldn't help you or fix you, if you wouldn't fix yourself.
Where you [started to "help" her], is when I knew [I couldn't be there] with you.

Everything about you, I knew and mended was - just like that - crushed. She "re-built" you on your kindness, that you learned from me.

The Me, and The You and The Her, will never be in the same equation. You're in the middle and she's on the same side as you. I can't pass that barrier.

I found you every single time. Now you're looking for her before she loses herself.
How does that work? When I'm chasing. You're looking. She's running.

I can't rely on you to make things work. That's the only time I'll put it like that.

Figure it out. Understand it.
Figure her out. Understand her.

That's the only thing left you can do not to disappoint me.
Please, just be brave.

ウミ

oh my god, MOM!

2010-07-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY, HOLY FUCK. DOES SHE HAVE TO COME IN HERE FOR THE STUPIDEST SHIT?

LIKE FUCK. SERIOUSLY.

I'm reading the CLIMAX of Break to Breathe, and you know what she comes in here for? TO FUCKING TELL ME WHAT I USED TO WEAR.

We're cleaning the house this summer, BUT THIS SUMMER I'M READING MY GAY-MAN-ANGST-ANDTHENANGRYMAKEUPSEXAFTERTHAT. OKAY?

I do not need my mom coming in here, ruining the fucking beautiful image of a totally fucked up Shikamaru being straddled by a angry and viciously sexy Neji, OKAY?

oh my god, mom, PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME.
ウミ

Back from Sora's party!

2010-07-28T23:50:00.001-07:00

I had a lot of fun actually.

My throat still kind of hurts from all the talking, but it was worth every word.

I haven't talked that much in such a long time. I feel so refreshed. ahahah.

Especially to vent out loud about how angry I was about Luna's words.
How much I think about how my family's all messed up, and about dating, and my passions.

Just remembering it, makes me smile. I think I like talking to Laren. She's a good conversationalist. rofl. After the awkwardness though, ahahaha.

It was unexpected to hear some things from Michou, too. Same with Ann.
Oh and the great homo sex talk at Starbucks. ROFL. Kudos to Michou and Riku for that conversation topic.

Despite, you know, the initial awkwardness and the get-to-know everyone thing, and not sure what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

I had a lot of fun. It was an awesome night. ^^

ウミ

HOLY FUCKING GOD.

2010-07-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'M WATCHING THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY ONE PIECE MOVIE.

I can die happy as soon as I finish this! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

Edit:OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY GOD. OMYSHIT.

I'm... kind of dazed. That movie... was... too fast. I think I missed a lot. Uh, yeah. Update... later.......

@________@

ウミ

just a little update on the fandoms I'm currently reading~

2010-07-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

OHOHOHOHOHOHO~ !!

Ms. Morbid-Nutcase-FFcrazed-fangirl IS BACK IN THE HOOD.

...Oh and the shy virgin girl reading extremely, uhm, -clears throat- graphichotmansecksthatreallyshouldn'thavebeenwritteninthefirstplace.

Yeah.

Anyway. Currently, I'm throat deep in a Naruto FF (Break to Breathe), which I posted about last time. The coupling is obviously ShikamaruNeji, which is sooo hot because I've never heard of this couple, but they should be a million times more popular than SasukeNaruto. No joke.

Then, I'm hip/waist deep into another Naruto FF, but I'm not going to name the FF and I'm not going to say anymore than the pairing is KakashiGenma. USUALLY I prefer KakashiIruka, but Iruka's so fucking... uke, and sometimes pisses me off at how easily Kakashi "sweeps him off his feet". So, KakashiGenma it is! Although, this one's... so graphic, tsk tsk tsk. I never thought I'd imagine Shikamaru doing that with his shadow jutsu... -shiver- ugh, I'm never going to watch Naruto again. -sigh-

LASTLY, I'm knee deep in a Bleach FF (I Come To You In Pieces). -rolls around on bed like an excited fangirl- Hehehe~ ! >///< Okay, so there's, like, ONE scene that's a little... but really, it's soooooo... GAH heart-warmingly cute and devastating all at once! I always thought Shuuhei was hot, but... -sigh- when they have their little love triangle with Renji and Ichigo, plus ex-love Kira... heheehe scandalous~ !! tsk tsk tsk, crazy hormones. rofl.

I know, I know. What am I doing, reading so many fan fics? I mean, Break to Breathe is 44 chapters long. FORTY-FOUR. I'm on chapter, what, like, 36?

The other... pretty much smut FF is around ten.
The Bleach one is 22.

Not to mention, I think another 3-5, pretty long ongoing FFs for One Piece, Digimon, and some other Naruto fan fics drifting on the border of ongoing and hiatus.

... I don't want to move anywhere without my laptop or my ipod. I'll DIE.

Sora, if I'm late tomorrow, just go ahead and go shopping.
I might be up late to catch up on Break to Breathe & MAYBE the Bleach FF...
but I'll try to sleep early.... and wake up early... >A<;;;;

ウミ

Ugh, goddamnit.

2010-07-21T04:17:00.000-07:00

Once again, I'm a morbid BL fangirl.

There's something definitely wrong with me.

As of late, Break To Breathe is my favourite fan fiction in the world.

@___@ It's mind-boggling. It's... heart-wrenching and deep and sensual and holy shit, I can't sleep if I don't finish it. Like with Memories.

God, I know this is bad for my health. Dude, I'm sleeping at like, the crack of dawn and even later! Sometimes even mid-morning! But I can't stop! I mean, it was worse with Memories, because it was during school, but THIS. Shit!

My OTP might, and I repeat might, just go from ZoroSanji to ShikamaruNeji.
Who even fucking cares?
They're both so hot.

Like jesus, ZoSan has some good, and I'm being dead serious, hot, and passionate love scenes.

But I just can't get over the obvious break in control Shikamaru gives to Neji. The insanity of their love grinding both of their facades to dust. The feral, instinctive, and carnal feel they both have when around each other, is just... god, way too hot.

The way they lose control, despite their geniuses, shows real first love like nothing else.

With Memories, it was like falling in love all over again. Re-discovering what was lost and with even more passion the second time than the first. Gorgeous.

With Break To Breathe, it's like... I don't even know how to describe it. Like yanking on the chain of self-control and straining it, but then to let it go and run free and rampant. Like... feeling the first tugs of love clutching your self-control and throwing it out the window. Falling in love the first time, and mistaking every skipped heart beat and hitch of breath to be pain, rather than excitement. Feeling the insanities of First Love. Beautiful.

I'm gonna die. I swear, I'm gonna die if I don't read the next chapter, even if my eyes are all swollen and I'm actually pretty hungry; even if it's fucking 5:46 a.m. in the morning; even if the sun's up and the fucking birds and awake; even if I'm going to collapse tomorrow EVENING.

I have to know what happens.

Serious BL, fanfiction, fangirl nutcase,
ウミ

Falling out of my Chair.

2010-07-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Just now, after eating a watermelon with just spoons, my mom just suddenly asks me, "Be honest with me, are you still a virgin?"
Like holy fuck. I'm pretty sure I would've fallen out of my chair if I didn't have a spoon lodged into the goddamn fruit.

Okay, so like, I get where she's coming from. (LOL) I mean, there's gotta be SoOoMeTIME where we're gonna have to talk about that... since I'm not getting married and all.
It's a personal question, and she deserves to know.

BUT HOLY FUCK, I'M EATING A WATERMELON ON A BEAUTIFUL HOT SUMMER NIGHT.
-sigh- To sum up my feelings, it's like she just dropped an A bomb down on a grazing field of... I don't know, LAMBS.

It's not the first time I've been asked about my virginity. Kiran was all like, "I text people personal things." So I was like, "O_o why?" and he was like, "'Cause. I'll text you a personal question and answer it." So I was like, fine, okay. He texts me: "Are u still a virgin?" I instead, blurt out loud, "Yeah, I am."

They seemed all like... how do I say it nicely, without sounding cocky right now? I don't remember who else was there, but Kiran and some other guy said something like, "That's a personal question." But I was like, "But if I wasn't, then I would even go as far as telling you who I lost it to. It's not a personal question to me."

In all honesty, I really didn't understand. I mean, I don't go around asking people, "Are you a virgin?" Yeah, because that's fucking creepy, but no, not because I thought it was too personal to ask. Like dude, go up to a thirty year old and ask if they're a virgin. >___> uhm, does that work? Most likely not.

But when my mom asked me, I kind of understood where Kiran was coming from. Maybe, when I do lose my virginity, I'm gong to be all, "Fuck, please do not ask me that."
Maybe. Probably not though... knowing how I am and all, BUT STILL. Let's... try to think about it... as a personal question...
I mean, I don't know, I think my mom would have been... disappointed in me if I did lose my virginity. If I did fool around with guys, and if I did those things indecently, half-assed, and... how do I say it?

I imagine sex to be something more... just... when I "give myself up", I want to have no control and all control.
I want to lose myself to a man who I can respect, even if I didn't love him anymore, and still look back and think I did something right, even if he isn't going to spend his life with me. I want to have no control over myself, and be lost in him in that moment, but complete control at the beginning and understand what I'm getting myself into. When the moment fades, I want to have enough control to look back and think my actions were justified; that I was right to let this man have a part of me I can't take back. Right? Then, I could face everyone, even my mom, and tell them I "made love" to a man I truly loved rather than some guy I probably won't remember twenty years down the road.

I'll probably remember this every time I eat a watermelon now.
I'll probably remember Neji's hot love to Shikamaru, too since I'm not done Break to Breathe yet... but that's okay. >///< I want something like that. Maybe. ^^

Anyway, I need to finish Break to Breathe and then I Come to You In Pieces, another fan fiction, but in the Bleach fandom.

Oh yeah, and Break to Breathe is from the Naruto fandom.
I don't think I mentioned that... ;D
ウミ

ahahahahha

2010-07-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but this just all seems so funny.
I don't even fucking know why I'm so goddamn happy right now. Or how the fuck I suddenly got my confidence back.

I have no idea.

Right now, my nephew is in my room... uh, playing Starcraft. He's... making sound effects while he's playing. I don't know why. It's hilarious.

Anyway, to bring back what I really wanted to talk about... I've been reading all of my friends' blogs, and I noticed how much happier they all sound.

I mean, okay this might sound a little cocky, but when I started my blog, I went right into... all the dark stuff. Whereas everyone was all happy and talking about their love lives or their friends. When I started my blog and talked about my other face, everyone else started writing about the darker side of themselves too.

Now, as I start to pick myself up again, everyone else seems to be doing the same. And I want to keep it this way. I want everyone to start being happy again. I'm sorry if showing the ugly side of me, the vulnerable and child-like part of me was sickening enough to make everyone else feel disgusted and just like me. I'm sorry.

But, I... I don't even know where to begin. Because somewhere along the way... I know I started myself up again, but I don't know when, how, or why.
I just know I did it. Right at the moment when I was about to give up on everything else.

I know I'm making myself better. I'm mending parts of myself, I didn't know had... peeled off. I'm helping myself.
This is the reason why I don't need anybody else.

I know you're all talking about love again. I know you're all hoping to find someone again. You're all so unsure about loving or not.
All while I'm alone, fighting with myself, resting myself... healing myself and simply falling all over again.

I'm more lost on how you think so much about love, more than thinking about yourselves.

I know that this is something I have no right to say, but how can you love someone else, if you don't even know yourself?
If you don't know what you like, what you're like, or why you're like this, then how can you come to love someone else for what they're like or why they're like that. How can you get to know someone else, when you don't even know yourself? How can you love someone when you can't even love yourself?

I don't know if you'll understand what I'm getting at, but for just my friends who do read my blog, I hope you really do understand what I'm saying.

Put yourself first.
and I know a lot of you will probably say, "You don't understand. You've never fallen in love or dated anyone, what would you know?" But the truth is, I don't need to be in love, or date anyone, or have sex with anyone to know to put myself first. To know that, if I can't even accept myself, how can I accept anyone else?

I've told Sora this a million times. Although, by telling her this so many times, I've also learned that she cannot live by this rule. That people can't be so focused on themselves to live happily. They will eventually forget this, because so many other things will demand their attention. Even so, that is no excuse.

I think being happy, means putting yourself first. I mean, how can you be happy if you're not there? How can happiness happen, if you're not sure what it is? How can you want happiness if you don't know what you want?

To simply forget, because you don't want to deal with yourself; because someone else seems more important at the time; because you don't think you're important at the time; because you don't think you can handle yourself; because you can wait is wrong.

To deny yourself is wrong.
To force someone to be more important than you is wrong.
To belittle yourself and think it's okay to give up on yourself is wrong.
To pretend you're invisible so no one will have to deal with you is wrong.
To lock yourself up, away from the world, and think you can stop time is wrong.

I've made all these mistakes. I've run, and run, and RAN my whole fucking life.

I've never thought I was right,
because I wish I didn't exist.
because I wish I was someone else.
because I wish I was weaker than everyone else.
because I wish I was invisible so everyone would forget me.
I wish I didn't have to exist, be someone, be stronger, and be invincible outside of this room.

But, you see, I'm far too late to be right anymore.
It's too late to say goodbye, I'm sorry, or I love you.
I'm wrong. I've never been right.

ウミ

Should vs. Have to

2010-07-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

やさしい針
rie @Pixiv

So yeah. The picture has nothing to do with the main topic of this post... but~ I like it. C:

So annnyyywwaay. I'm reading another super cute fan fic. The pairing this time is from Naruto, surprisingly.
I doubt you can guess who they are ^^

Okay, so onto the main topic of this post. I suddenly remembered when I was in grade 4, and if you're an old friend from my elementary, you'd remember our smart, Asian, and... uhm, nice(?) classmate William. I argued with him one day. I don't even remember for what, but I think it was because the teacher scolded him for doing something. I think it was our story.
To put it bluntly, I was pretty good at writing stories then. I was going to write it for the group, but no.

He was like, "You said I should have done it!"
So I was like, "I said 'should'. I didn't said you had to."
"Yeah," he, like, snapped at me or something, "It's the same thing."
And DUDE. My god. My stubborn nature, and how I hate being wrong, made me argue with him until the last moment.
I mean, come on! WTF. He wrote about a fucking monkey.
Then brainstormed along the way with the other group members. While, I, on the other hand, whipped up a whole short story as soon as the teacher told us what to write about! They just hated me. I knew so, because I was a slacker and I hated life. Can't blame me.

So it was probably something like:
I suggested, "Let's write about a animal. Like-"
"OH! YEAH! -fucking BS idea is thrown out by I have no fucking idea what her name is, but she was 'popular'-!"
Everyone, "YEAH, OKAY."
So I was like, "Okay, then-" Did I mention I was being nice and was about to revise my story JUST TO ACCOMMODATE HER IDEA? Well, I guess she was too fucking stupid.
William: "Okay, well, how about this? -some fucked up storyline that was worse than a grade 2 kid's-."
Me in my head: ... Why the fuck do I even bother?

THEN.

Teacher: "You can't do this! This is bad! What is this! YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK AT WRITING."
Me: "OMFG I KNOW."
William: "Why can't we use 'I' or 'you'?"
Me: "OMFG ARE YOU STUPID?"
Teacher: "Who is smart enough to know why? Which I'm guessing no one, since you all used it in your shitty stories."
Me: -raises hand- "OMFG I KNOW. I'M SO SORRY THAT'S CALLED A STORY. THAT'S NOT EVEN A SORRY EXCUSE FOR PAPER."
Teacher: -looks around, no one else's hand is raised- "Holy fuck, you're all stupid. Tell us why, you."
Me: I'm not joking, she forgot my name for a minute. "Because the story's not told in first person or second person, YOU FUCKING RETARDS, and you're not supposed to refer to yourself or the reader in fiction. The story will sound awkward. GET A HINT WILLIAM. YOU WROTE ABOUT A MONKEY THEN TALKED ABOUT YOURSELF. OH, I SEE THE CONNECTION."
-Teacher goes on asking why we need periods and why the plot sucked and all this shit I already knew. I think that was the second smartest time I've ever felt.-

THEN.

Teacher: "The group that wrote bout the monkey, come up."
-we git thar een har... offive sp8x-
-shay twaked avout dah shtoreh.-
William: "She told us it would work."
Teacher: "Why?"
Me: "BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKING AWESOME STORYLINE THAT WOULD FUCK YOUR WORLD UP, BUT THAT BITCH FUCKING FUCKED IT UP HIS ASS. -Tells her my original storyline-"
William: "You said we 'should' have -I don't even know WTF I told him to do-."
Me: "I said 'should'. Doesn't mean you 'had to'."
William -looks at me in disgust-: "It's the same thing."
Me: "HOLY FUCK, GO RELEARN ENGLISH. I'M ASIAN TOO, YOU LITTLE SHTUPID [shit+stupid], BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'then' AND 'than'! It's not."
William: "Yeah it is!"
Me: "HOLY FUCK YOU SOUND LIKE MY NEPHEW. No, it isn't."

And then, finally.

Grade 6~ whoooa~~
Emma: -arguing with Alex I think- "I said you 'should have'. That doesn't mean you 'have to'."
Alex: "It's the same thing!"
Me: -fucking bluntly- "FUCK NO IT ISN'T."

SO~ do you see the difference now? DON'T CONFUSE THE TWO TERMS TO MEAN THE SAME THING... or I'll send... um... I dunno, gay boiz to eat buckets of rainbow ice cream in front of you. Ya. Yeah. YEAH~! ^^

じゃ～
ウミ

Frustrated and Hungry

2010-07-15T04:01:00.000-07:00

A smaller rant about how I'm super pissed off at my Persona 3. I mean, dude, how hard is it to fucking make a Jack Frost - yes, he looks like a fucking snowman - with Dia? Fucking tell me how hard it is. NOT HARD AT ALL. Like a erectile dysfuntioned man! BUT NO. I RUN INTO DEATH - the ultimate monster of rape-age - TWICE WHILE LOOKING FOR A FUCKING UNICORN TO FUCKING MAKE THE FUCKING SNOWMAN. what the fuck.
I'm pissed. Even though I love you, Theo, and I want more space for more quests, this is sotal BS.

And now, onto the hungry part. Yeah, it's six in the morning. Yeah, I'm REALLY hungry. Yeah, I don't have a fucking disintegrater to burn food like a car burn gas for energy. To sum it all up, in Persona 3 I went eating with my best guy friend and in the game, I eat a shit load and am still skinny. He asks, "Where does all of that food fit in your skinny body?" The option I chose to answer with was, "Meh. Like I care."
When the other two were something along the lines of: "Maybe I should eat less..." and "Do you have a problem with that?"

... Remember, this time I'm playing as the female main character. In the game, I ate the same amount of food as the guy. Before that, the same guy asked the FemMC and Yukari - some other girl in the game - if we wanted to eat at twelve, and Yukari answered with something along the lines of, "Uh, girls don't get hungry at this time of day."

... WELL HERE I AM. I'M PRETTY SURE I'M STILL A GIRL, since I'm not seeing a dick growing anywhere between my legs. =___=

ウミ
P.S. Am I the only one writing such happy posts lately? Ya'll need to lighten up a little. -A-;;;

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure Persona 3 Portable just kind of changed my life.

uhuuhuhuu~

2010-07-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I'm completely addicted to Persona 3.

Not to mention, I think my favourite pairing from the whole game is ShinjiAki. God, those two are totally soul mates. Not to mention, Akihiko keeps saying after pretty much every battle, "Did you see that Shinji?"
Akihiko-sempai, even if you're too logical and bad with girls, you still have Shinji! (well, he's dead, but still.)

And no matter how many times I see Akihiko in his swim suit... I still go all fujoshi. ESPECIALLY when I had Shinjiro in my battle team~ I mean, come on! How tempting does a uke with speedos and over-sized t-shirt sound to you?! (...Well, I guess, not very tempting if you're not a fujoshi, but we're ignoring that)
I'm pretty sure if I was Shinji, and I saw Aki in that outfit... WELL~ rofl.

So enough about my fujoshiness over Persona 3...

Okay, one last mention, I just couldn't, for the life of me, imagine the MC with Akihiko. I mean, I like the MC and I adore Akihiko, but they're both uke material! It just didn't work! Although... MCJunpei would be kind of awkward too... since Junpei is obviously crushing on Chidori... -sigh- downside to Persona 3, the MC, no matter how androgynous, cannot be paired up with anybody. Not even with the girls! I'm gonna play the girl's story later, since I'm almost done the guy's. Maybe I'll meet some super hot guy to pair the male MC with, rofl. XD

'KAY, FOR REAL NOW, NO MORE PERSONA BABBLE

I got sick this week. Probably because of the constant all-nighters and unhealthy eating habits, but yeah. x___x I'm scared to eat, because I feel all nauseous after it, but I ate cookies and asked my mom to make me some tea. I actually think it's a caffeine deficiency now... too much tea? Too much cola? I dunno anymore! I just have a bad headache and feel all icky inside like how people usually do when they're sick! Ugh.

And, once again, my brother's birthday party has been completely fucking shot down because of the rain. This is the second time in a row. So he has decided: "God hates [him]". ^^ I'm glad he realizes this now, when he's 17! Ohohohohoho~

Now, onto some strange things I've been mulling over lately.

Recently, I remembered when I had to write an autobiography, and I went over it with my teacher, Mrs. Lesik. I mean, she was a harsh teacher, man. Like she was rude to you if you were incompetent. So I had to try really hard to please her all the time. Which draws me back to thinking, when I told her all the ugly things about myself (like about growing up pretty much fatherless, pressured by my mom to hate my dad, the gambling problem my mom had, making us live in poverty... etc.), like how I thought so many things were my fault, she was the first person to say, "You're a beautiful girl. Really."

At the time, I was hesitant. She's white. White people hand out compliments like how whores hold their vagina on their sleeves. I didn't really believe her, nor did I want to talk to her about how I lived my life, so when she asked me about things (like how I felt about things), I told her, instead, how things happened. Just to make her see me differently. I wrote my autobiography badly, maybe this is an excuse, but it's because I view my past as an ugly thing.

The same thing was told to me by another white woman. This time, by my father's "girlfriend", my "auntie" as I called her. I told her things, I knew my dad hid from her. Like how my mom was being forced to pay rent while living in the condo (which was pretty much owned by my dad), how the old black Volvo that she rode in while with my dad was actually my mother's, and how I went to a foster home and had to be treated like a temporary dog.

I didn't believe those words again. How was I "beautiful" when I couldn't do anything? When I moved into my dad's house, I thought I regained some face. I was doing something for my mother. Even though I was being treated like a dog.
I realized long before, that while I lived in my dad's house, I was just another pet to them. I was fed, I was talked to once in a while, and I was told to do certain things at certain times. Like how BB was fed good food, cuddled once in a while, and told to do tricks and go to his pillow when he got in trouble. All the other times, he was left to do what he wanted. Like me. So how was I beautiful? I was just another "dog" to them. I left my mom because I didn't want to be another mouth to feed. I ran to some other "family" who I thought would ease my troubles. I was right, I lived my time there with the same worries as BB-- How do I keep making my owners love me? Do I act cute? Do I ask for attention? What is this?

I know a lot of people have been supportive of me. I know that, maybe once in a while, I should give in and believe it. Believe that, despite my past, I'm beautiful because I'm alive today to re-tell the story of my 15 years. That for many more years to come, no matter how bound I am to these people who have ruined my life, I can keep fighting and prove myself to be better than all of this.

But, reality is, beliefs like that means a person has to be strong. They mean that, you've only seen a side of the world's horrors and with this thought, you can see so many more beautiful parts of the world.

But you know, all of the people I've met, have only faced probably one or two tragedies. Like... Riku, for example. She's lesbian and her parents are in a serious religious cult. That's it. Luna: she has had to move like three billion times. That's it. The kids in all of the mangas and animes I've read and watched... their lives seem so simple! Even in Cat Street. =__=;;;

Although, I do kind of understand. I mean, if all these bad things happen to one person, everyone would get kind of pissed, but still, that's how I feel my whole life has been like. Like one big soap opera. As I get older, I'm just getting less time to deal with my problems.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure why I suddenly thought of all this. I think there's a good reason though, and it's because I don't think of myself as beautiful, or able to fight. When I was told I was beautiful, it was when I was at my strongest, but now...

I think this is where I'm at my weakest.

Persona

2010-07-11T01:46:00.001-07:00

;D sorry I haven't been around! I don't even remember the last time I updated! XD

The reason is because I'm addicted to playing Persona 3 on my PSP!

It's so much fun! Not to mention, the two main male characters are way~ hot. ahahaha

Today, we celebrated my brother's birthday at Yokozuna!
My dad made a homemade chocolate cake! It was yummy :B but I kind of wish we still had some more. I'll check later to see if we have more. rofl. I watched my dad add the decorations and put the strawberries on top. Lots of fun! ^^

My skin's been horrible lately, on the other hand. I keep staying up until unearthly/ungodly hours! You'd think that after playing Persona 3 with it's whole "Dark Hour starts at midnight" and crazy shadows coming out to eat you from inside out, I'd be too scared to stay up until then... but... ugh. Nothing's going to fix my skin now. ahahaha. Along with my weight, rofl.

BTW, for all the readers I know, did you check my FB wall?

=___= needless to say, the feeling of anger towards Luna still hasn't subsided. More like, the smirk playing on the lips of the queen of disdain inside me just got larger. my god, what does she think she's doing? *O*

hahahaha One last thought: I haven't been on my actual computer for over two weeks now! I'm always on the laptop! ugghhh... I used to GET UP to go on the computer... not I just open my eyes, slide on my geeky glasses, and open up the laptop. -sigh- tsk tsk tsk.

ウミ

Are you Ready?

2010-07-08T00:20:00.001-07:00

Ugh--- (this is a groan of: "jesus motherfucking christ")

This song won't leave my head. I mean okay, I totally love voices like Naoi (from Angel Beats) and Kurenai (from Kurenai), but GODDAMN IT ALL, why is this song so fucking catchy?

It's like a fucking disease.

Aggghhh... to list characters who voices go straight to my groin:

-Kurenai from Kurenai
-Naoi Ayato from Angel Beats
-Mihashi from Oofuri
-Ryoma from Prince of Tennis
-Fuji from Prince of Tennis
-Natsume from Natsume Yuujinchou

I think if you know these characters, you'd see a pattern.

...(if you don't) All the original seiyuus are actually women.

=____=;;;;

One exception would be Abe from Oofuri. I love his voice actor. God. UNF.

Yeah, I don't think I can get anymore otaku than that. The last strikes are figurines and cosplaying. Neveer~ at least not while I'm alive. rofl. Right? Right.

...Right?

On another note... HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE THIS PRETTY?

I know. LOTS of photoshop, but STILL. PHOTOSHOP CAN ONLY GO SO FAR. Well, before you look like a monster, but YEAH.

HOLY SHIT. guffaw. This is real cosplaying.

ウミ

Kurenai.

2010-07-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

Today's post is about Tamaki from the anime Kurenai.

This screen cap is from episode 7.

Here's the scenario that made me inspired to post this.

The girl in the screen cap is Tamaki, and she's talking to Murasaki (a little girl at the age of 7) after being dumped. Her ex says that he doesn't want to be with her anymore, because she's violent and holds him back. After they argue for a bit, Tamaki holds up her fist like she's going to punch him, but the expression of fear on his face stops Tamaki. She buys juice for Murasaki, who was there at the scene.

Murasaki, being the good little girl she is, cheers Tamaki up, by complimenting her and saying she's better than that. The usual things us girls say to cheer other girls up, right?

But then Tamaki sees her ex. Not only is he laughing, but he's with another girl. Yes, already.

Here's the dialogue I'm taking out of the episode. English subtitles are credited to BSS fansubs, with a few adjustments from myself, just to make it run more smoothly. ;D

Tamaki: Men fool women who seem loose and weak right off the bat.
Murasaki: Fool them?
Tamaki: You know, I changed my hairstyle and clothing style, too. I even thought to myself, should I be thinner or not?
Murasaki: You're already really cool though, Tamaki!
Tamaki: That doesn't matter. Even for strong women, if they can't rely on a man, it's hopeless.
Murasaki: There's no point in relying on them if you can do it yourself.
Tamaki: Even if you're useless, it's hopeless if you don't have an attitude like, "I'm doing my best for you!"
Murasaki: "Doing my best"?
Tamaki: Even though a man doesn't need it and even though it doesn't suit him, they prefer girls who make them a hand-knit muffler. Those kind of women are the best in the end.
Murasaki: "Those kind of women"...

The one thing I liked about this scene, was that we all do the same thing. All women comfort other women by saying how great they are after a break up, but really, even if they cheer up, even if they get their confidence back, what good will it do? They'll find another man that will "fool them", because they're easy and weak. I never understood that, and I was never kind enough to say "You're already really cool..."! Instead, I say, "He was a jerk anyway! If you didn't know that, why did you date him? Why do you have to date? Why do you need someone?"

But then, the other thing I liked about this scene was that they also talked how a person feels useless if they aren't wanted/needed. If they aren't needed or wanted, they want to change. Whether it's for a loved one, or just to feel recognized, right? Yet, for the longest time, I thought like Murasaki. If you have yourself, you can live. You don't need anyone else. You can just love yourself, treasure yourself, and fight with yourself, because you'll never be able to escape. Then, in that way, you can do your best, all by yourself, without a reason or another person.

When I look at these two, I understand both of them. I wish I could fight like Murasaki, be strong like her by thinking all I need is myself, but as I get older and I understand Tamaki more. I understand that being wanted and accepted is better than fighting alone, because there lies it's own joy.

Even so, I want to fight on my own. I want to be stronger. I want to use my own strength to be stronger, so that when I do have someone who will accept me, I still have my own strength to fall back on.

So what am I doing?

My heart won't listen to me anymore. My mind wants security and wellness, but my heart won't accept that fake happiness. My heart's deaf to my mind now, and now, when neither side will listen, I can't escape.

I want to believe...
I wanna believe in someone
I wanna believe in something
I wanna believe that I can love again

Lyric credits: Innerpartysystem - "What We Will Never Know"
ウミ

Thinner.

2010-07-04T18:51:00.000-07:00

I realized recently, that all of those people who didn't know me, that never saw me, and only saw how ugly I was before, told me, "You lost weight!"

Something about those words, made me wonder why.

I remember I lost weight when I moved in with my dad. His first house. The new one that was kind of a duplex, but also kind of town house. In McGrath, where the "rich" people lived. I was happy then. I can still remember the happiness I had then, and I know perfectly why I lost weight without even batting an eyelash. I knew just fine.

But now, when I'm... so empty and lost and... drowning again, where does my body find the time to seek beauty? I know I hoped to lose weight. I know I hated my body. I know I hated myself. I just wanted to be a little prettier. I just wanted to... prove to some people that I'm trying. I did wish... to be... skinny, to be thin, instead of large and always called overweight. I know I wanted this, but in between all of that, I was dealing with myself all over again.

I had to deal with school. I had to get over my dad. I had to face my ugly self and fight to keep myself sane. Or even finding ways to run away and get away from myself.

Where, tell me, in between all of that, did my body find time to take up my one wish to be just a little thinner? To have people appreciate me? For people... not to look at me with"that look", and think I've gotten prettier since I've lost all of that... weight?

But really, it wasn't my body that gave me that wish. It wasn't that at all.

Really, what was actually happening to my body was that I was emotionally exhausted. These conflicting feelings of hope and disdainful reality, made my body overwork. Recently, I even realized I had fallen ill, but I passed it off as sleeping late and sweat heavily in bed, hoping the heat would go away. I was even irritated at the rain for not cooling me down. I never believed in that, but I guess it was true.

Now onto something more light hearted.

はんぶんこ
もぅ＠DL７レポ作成中 @Pixiv

When I first saw this, I thought: "OH now I want to eat one of those!" Since I usually eat them at Sora's house... but... after a while, I kept looking at it... and now it reminds me of a used rubber, if you know what I mean.

...

I'll never eat the white ones again.

Fujoshi~

2010-07-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

"I'm confused about him."

My brother said. ROFL. Okay, what he meant was that, even though his friend, Davie let's call him, likes to make fun of Twilight, he forced people to go to watch the movie with him. I think Davie also read the Twilight series, whether to make fun of it properly or... you know, he actually likes it, we're both not sure. So that's what my brother meant, BUT BECAUSE I'M SO FUJOSHI LATELY I replied, "That can be taken two ways." Which could've been awkward if he didn't already know I'm a fujoshi. ahahaha, but now I keep thinking about it, and I'm shocked at how much progress I've made to become a good fujoshi. ^O^~!! I'm doing pretty good, if I don't say so myself~!

I also noticed I've been making BL fantasies as well. Maybe not as much as Michou has, but still, I was so hetero before. What have I become? rofl. I'm thinking of reading the new Prince of Tennis, just to make a BL fan fic of it, but ugh, I'd really rather watch the anime. Besides, I've got my hands full on the list of new BL mangas I've been reading lately. They're so much fun! ahahah.

Sorry to Nina for not showing up.

I woke up at 11 and then my mom told me she was going out. I told her I was going to meet you at SG, but then my sister called and said she was going to treat us to lunch... You weren't on MSN, so I couldn't tell you, and yeeeaah... it dragged on. I'm sorry~ I ditched you twice! ;A;
I'm sorry!!

ウミ

"I hate you."

2010-07-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up from a dream, thinking about my dad. Before that, I was dreaming about the really good BL I was reading, but yeah, I ended up thinking about my dad as I woke up.

It wasn't that I was dreaming about him that surprised me, and made me want to post this, but... well, you'll find out.
So, I'll try to write this as a story format, but I dunno if this will turn out good. ahahaha

edit after I finished writing it: LOL it just turned out like how my usual posts are. rofl. To add on, I had a dream about Michou making a point that I should post more depressing stuff. ahahahaha

I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be... one of those family dinners. One of those family dinners where I'm being teased by my family because I'm the youngest and they can. The usual family dinners where I don't have a say in anything that goes on, like what we're having, where we're going, and what I'm going to eat. Unless it's Western food, like steak and stuff, but we avoid those places because of my dad. He complains too much when we go to those places, since he's a Western chef. Which I never really questioned him about, but have thought of. He's a Chinese Western chef... I'm not sure if I want a Chinese man cooking my steak, but my dad does make good steak, I will admit.

Tonight, we'll be eating dinner at his "new house". In my head, it looks like the townhouse we lived in. Except, my sister's there, and my brother's upstairs playing on the computer. Usually, I would be up there with him, but... here's the scene where the dream starts to leave an impression on me.

I'm sure I was playing with BB until my dad started talking. He's talking, but I don't know what he's saying. He really doesn't say anything at all, since my dream comes right after what he says. Hid words are disapproving, and make me angry, and I'm hurt. Really hurt. I can't even... be polite because my mom's not there.

So, there I am, standing right below the staircase. I hear my father's disapproving words after seeing my report card. Once again, he says something behind the table. My sister is near the sink to my left, I think she's washing the dishes. I watch as my father goes to the sliding glass door that leads outside, into the backyard. We didn't have a backyard in the townhouse we lived in, but there's a backyard. There isn't a balcony or deck though, just steps to go down. I'm not sure what happens then, but all of a sudden, I heard myself say, maybe shout, but either way, the words are bitter and feel like poison on my tongue, "I don't have to be here you know! I show you my report card, I go to your house, and I... I'm..." I couldn't get the other words out, but I knew what I was trying to say. I don't know what I was going to say next really, but I knew what I was trying to say. The feeling I had then was anger, and regret, maybe. I was trying to prove to my dad, that I was doing him a favour, by going to his house and letting him rub it in my face that I had never lived in such a nice house. That even though I know I'm supposed to be ashamed of my marks, I still showed him, hoping he'd understand, and forget he doesn't know anything. I'm wrong though, and all he does is make me even angrier.

He draws the curtains and says, the first line I hear him say, "I don't want to talk to you anymore."

And then tears sting my eyes. I feel them pooling as I choke out, "I hate you."

The words don't even... they come out barely as a whisper. They emanate from my being more than I could ever express with my mouth. My father's no longer looking at me, but my sister is. She witnesses my hate and my tears. She sees, for the first time, how I look hurt. How much contempt I have for my father.

How I hate him to the point that... even the words "I hate you" don't suffice.

I know deep down, I still have love for my father. I know I can never truly disown my father, like how I can never disown my mother, no matter how many hateful words we spit at each other.

Although, my hate makes more sense, and like for an old lover, the things he has done to me overruns the reasons why I should still love him. This unconditional love, still has its barriers and I know why. Why there are these barriers and why I hate him as much as I do, but that's an issue of parenting, and he can never re-write the past.

I woke up right after the words slipped out of my mouth. I've had dreams of foretelling before, but parts of me wants this to happen and knows it should happen, while other parts don't. Other parts of me say I should just stay out of trouble...

I wonder why.